The s(ex) tapes

If I Hated You

Cari POV:

"this video is going to be difficult i think. i have so many ideas and this song is so powerful and important and i really want to make sure we portray that" I said to Shannon as we were brainstorming a few ideas

"ok then, just talk to me, what is the song about, how do you envision it, and i'll see what i come up with"

Fuck i love working with Shannon, she's so easy, and she tries her upmost best to make sure we have an end product that i'm happy with, and she knows me and how i work and how i want things to look.

"this video and song is the foundation and the message behind the whole project. It's saying that this breakup would be so much easier if i hated you, or if you did something so awful that made me not love you anymore."

Somehow we just sat for the next 40 mins talking about the meaning of the song, but both of us knew we were discussing our breakup in some discreet way.

"ok, i think it should be kind of voyeuristic, if you get me, like you're watching not really knowing if you are supposed to be" shannon said

"yes, i really like that, in kind of a bedroom set up, and i saw this thing the other day where it was filmed and edited to looks like a security camera footage, i really like that idea"

We both agreed on a few ideas and decided to turn the living room into a bedroom set up, as the bedroom just wasn't going to work. This involved clearing sofas and moving the bed and basically dismantling our whole bedroom.

We set up about 6 different cameras, including our iPhones, and attached a camera to the ceiling.

..

Shannon POV:

"I think we have some good stuff here" i say looking through some of the footage on my camera

"you know, what i wrote in this song is true." Cari said from the other side of the room

"it's so hard and i don't know where we go once quarantine is over but all that i know is that i'm so so in love with you and it would be so much easier if i didn't. As bad as it is, i wish one of us had done something that made me want to stay away from you."

She paused, looking at me longingly.

"its all true, every word. Even my fucking phone background is still a picture of you and me. That isn't what happens when a couple break up. you delete all photos, all memories, not fucking quarantine together!"

i could see she was getting upset at this point

"hey, where is all of this coming from, its okay you know"

"thats the thing. it's not okay, but we both keep pretending that it is. this is not normal, what we are doing now is far from normal. how many couples break up, even despite the fact that both parties still love each other whole heartedly, and then quarantine together for a few months and record a fucking album together."

I could see where she was coming from but i was just confused. this seemed like a weird time.

"Cari, look at me, stop shouting. and hey - since when have we been the stereotypical couple. Normal is not us, it never has been, so why would we breakup normally" i said in an attempt to get her to calm down.

"maybe this was the most stupid decision. what are we even doing. we're broken up" Cari said as she left the room.

I was so confused as to what just happened. although i understand what she's saying, it just feels like we have had this same discussion a thousand times.

After just sitting going through footage on my own for another 10 minutes, i left the living room in search of Cari, hoping that she had cooled off a bit.

"She left" Bobby said to me

"where did she go"

"i dont know, she just said she needed air. What happened"

"i have no idea, we had just finished filming and she just went on about that we were broken up and what we are doing is not normal. I should probably go find her, any idea what direction"

Bob shrugged, not very helpful of him. I decided to head to the lookout where Bobby and cari took us on our first day, as i couldn't think of where else she would go.

As i approached the bench, i saw Cari sat, looking into the distance.

I paused before approaching her, i didn't really know what i should say.

i decided to just go and sit next to her.

 I put my hand on her knee but she shook me off, that annoyed me.

"hey, i haven't done anything wrong here, just talk to me please"

"that's the point, you haven't done anything wrong, you never do, you're perfect for me"

"im confused. why is that a bad thing"

Cari looked up at me for the first time. "i know we have to break up, i know this is not the time for us, but that's so hard to accept when i love you so much and you're so good to me. We act as if we are still together, and pretend that we did not spend the last few months apart. I guess what i'm trying to say is that what we are doing is just going to make it so much harder when we have to actually leave each-other"

It was so hard to hear Cari say that. Sub-consciously i knew that i had hoped that we would get back together at the end of all of this, and hearing her say this just solidified that she doesn't want that.

"maybe i should go to texas and stay with my family if this isnt what you want"

"i don't want you to leave, but maybe that's for the best"

wow, i really didn't expect her to say that. this really is the end then huh.

We walked back home in silence. the tension between us could be cut wit ha knife.

Cari POV:

Later that night, after an awkward few hours post me telling shannon to leave, we were lying in bed. Both of us were awake, but neither said anything.

"i'll pack my things tomorrow and probs leave the next day"

i didn't reply, but reached for her hand under the duvet, letting her know that it was ok.

We were both lying staring at the ceiling, waiting for the other person to say something.

"fuck. Don't go" i said

"look, i do-"

Shannon and I had started to talk at the same time

"you go first" shannom said

"don't leave. I dont want you to go"

"why did you tell me i should then"

"i thort it would be the best option. it was just a hard day, that song brought back a lot of memories of when i was writing it just after the breakup"

"look, i know everything you said, and i do agree with most of it. but i don't think we have to worry for now. We dont know how long we will be in quarantine for, and i don't want to keep having the same fight, and i can't pretend like i don't love you"

"i know, i'm sorry."

*again, half of the stuff in this chapter is made up, but i have also built on things that did happen.