lonerism ; jschlatt (lunch club au)

six

i simply stood there for a while, my brain feeling both numb and completely alive, uncomfortable thoughts overlapping into nothingness. the only thing i could think to do was walk away, leaving charlie without another word as i staggered aimlessly into the crowd.

he was probably rolling his eyes, maybe laughing and teasing behind my back but it didn't matter.

i didn't care anymore.

still gripping the drink i had poured for travis, i navigated through the mass of people surrounding me, the sweat and heat that was accumulating around them making me feel ill and overwhelmed. a pit in my stomach had started to grow, making it difficult to breathe and concentrate, my thoughts running at a million miles a second.

every party i attended left me feeling worse and worse, a hatred looming over myself for knowing i would always come back. they were the same old mistakes that ended with me feeling this sense of guilt and disconnect that had become more and more common as the weeks passed.

the dizzying stench of weed and alcohol made my head spin as i suddenly wanted nothing more than to disappear, to become as insignificant as i felt i was.

i kept my head down, making my way towards the staircase next to the kitchen as i avoided the people and drinks alike that were scattered around them. after giving my drink to a stranger nearby, i started to walk up, ignoring looks from a few who noticed me leave, an odd sight on their part.

desperately scanning the hallways upstairs, i struggled to find somewhere to go, not wanting to risk walking in on people behind the closed doors and make a fool out of myself. it wasn't long before i spotted glass doors that opened onto a balcony, desperately reaching for the handle as the hallway seemed to stretch, making them seem further than they actually were.

i practically burst through, leaning back and slamming the door shut as i tried to block out the party behind me, distancing myself from it as much as possible. rubbing my face i walked over to the balcony edge, resting my elbows on the railing and looked down at the few partygoers beneath. i let the cool air fall onto my skin and tried to focus on the foreign silence that wrapped around me, closing my eyes for a few moments as i collected myself.

i hadn't noticed how loud my breaths had become, how deafening my heartbeat was in my ears.

the serenity didn't last long, slight vibrations from the music below brought me back to reality, the intense smell of a firepit ruining the moment. my ears were ringing, hands still shaking. to counteract, i began to rub my neck, trying to soothe my tense muscles and give them something to do.

the weight of the night seemed to tip over the edge, leaving me the mess that i was. i cursed myself for my weakness, why would i let this stuff get to me so easily? why do i even care, nothing has changed?

i shook my head, resting it in my hands as the reality of my situation sat forcefully on my shoulders. no one cares about me anymore. i was a burden. i have no one. these thoughts seemed to haunt me, teasing as if they knew i couldn't escape them...

before i could overthink further, a soft voice had appeared beside me.

"are you alright?"

the sudden break in silence caught me off guard and i jumped in my tense state, turning rapidly towards its owner. i was met with bright eyes, ones i knew i could recognise in an instant.

it was her.