lonerism ; jschlatt (lunch club au)

seven

her presence was enough to make my body freeze, my already tense state deteriorating as i took note of her closeness, her gaze meeting mine. my mind was screaming, trying to come up with a response as she looked at me with concerned eyes, the silence between us growing louder as words simply died in my mouth before they could leave.

"i- i umm.... i've been better." my sudden confession took me by surprise, the truth slipping out before i could stop myself. i figured i didn't have much to lose, "don't like parties all that much i guess..."

i let out a small laugh and she did the same, "i'm not a fan either, i usually come up here to get away from it for a while. i guess this time someone else had the same idea."

i forced a smile as the subtle reminder of where i was enough to make my heart beat rapidly in my chest, gaining volume in my ears as i rested my head in my hands once more, a weak attempt to block the outside world from view.

why was this happening?

the phrase repeated itself as i tried to shake the uncomfortable feeling of panic. it was foreign and overwhelming, especially now that it had been sitting in my stomach for the past 10 minutes...

i suddenly remembered that i wasn't alone, feeling guilty for my secluded behaviour and turned to the woman standing next to me. "i'm really sorry, you really caught me at a bad time." i let out a shaky laugh in an attempt to ease the weight on my chest. it didn't seem to work.

"no, don't be sorry at all," she assured, her voice soft. "i know the feeling, i've had plenty of nights like these before."

Before i could question this, she continued, "why don't we sit down somewhere. just talk, like some sort of ... distraction."

her calm tone and demeanour were enough to let a blanket of relief and composure settle over me, my grip on the rail loosening, shoulders falling slowly. it was a feeling that i was craving, a feeling i so desperately needed and i let myself think that she could give it to me, even if it was only for a short moment.

i started to reply, "that sounds..." hesitation lingered for a split second, almost enough to make me overthink completely. i quickly pushed the thoughts away. "...great actually."

I received a sympathetic smile in response as she reached out for my arm and guided me towards the wooden stairs to our right, which lead to the yard below. we sat down next to each other on one of the steps, facing a small group of partygoers that had gathered near the firepit across the lawn, sharing drinks and vague gestures amongst themselves.

my hands had been shaking for quite some time now, so i held them together before she could notice. what i failed to account for, however, was the fact that my foot had instantly begun to tap rapidly on the stair below it, my leg moving up and down. we seemed to realise at the same time, as she placed a hand on top of my thigh until i stopped.

the gesture was sudden and her closeness was comforting as i understood the message it held:

don't let this control you.

after a moment silence, she asked, "so... what's your name?" she smiled at the simplicity of the question and i let out an exhausted laugh, turning to face her.

"schlatt."