Life surrounded by the War-The Clone Wars

Philophobia to Thanatophobia

Hiiiii

Word: Fear

Entry for  

Just a pre-warning there is descriptions of feelings of fear and anxiety and the way the text is in a couple of parts is suppost to make the reader feel kinda the fear

This morning as the sun rose high on Courscant. Anyone who could peer at a translucent window would see the stunning break of the light at the top of the buildings as the burning life lifted up in the changing sky. The stars beginning to slowly fade away into the pink infused sky that brought in the light of the new day.  I took a deep breath in as I knew soon enough the crisp freshness would spread through every life as the force carried it. It was refreshing, it was a warmth that nothing else could ever give you. It was the defeat of the dark, a saviour, as the world becomes bright, light, and kind so we could live, only to die at night when the enemy creeps back in. 

Today the light, the dazzling rays were even warmer, fuzzier, and comforting as for today was exciting, it was the day almost every Jedi longed for, except I didn't. I dreaded the come of this day so badly, but I knew it was my obliged duty, my obliged duty to train another Jedi as my padawan. Yes, a small Jedi would be put entirely under my care and it's my duty to train them to make them into a good Jedi, and of course, it was a statuesque act but for me, it was like a death sentence, like I was just stroke with a sword crafted of beskar lodged in between my ribs. 

After seeing masters and padawans as I've grown up only filled me with dying pain, this sense of dread. I just, I really don't want my padawan to get close to me, to like me to get attached to me, and I don't want to like them, I don't want to get attached to them. I want to be like Master Luminafra and Appreatnance Barris, I would never, I couldn't handle being like them. I could never live with an Master Skywalker and Appertance Tano's relationship, nor Master Kenobi and Apprentice Skywalker, and Master Kenobi's relationship with Master Qui-Gon. If I did I simply feel as though I would combust from the inside out, my insides spread out across the area, only to create a huge sickening mess. 

I must seem like a terrible Chiss, but I swear I'm not. Everyone can just have personal preferences and well I just, if they had that darkness, that darkness that couldn't be stopped, the darkness that would just consume them while I couldn't, I couldn't deal with it. 

I just had to deal with it, and of my duty, and hopefully somehow, somehow I could stop the worst from coming, I could stop the dreaded feelings. 

Maybe they would be ok, maybe the worst was just in my head, and everything would be fine, after all taking on a padawan was a great passage, the greatest gift of the force, it was an honor. 

"Master Vivlum are you ready to take on a padawan today?" That was the question I had to answer, honestly or not. Master Kenobi's eyes peered into mine as he laid the question out in front of me to take. 

Would they expel me if I said no? Would I be a horrible Jedi? Would they be able to tell if I was lying if I said yes? 

"Master Vivlum?" 

"Ah, yes, yes Masters I am ready to take on a padawan," I closed my eyes tightly to shut out the world as I slowly bowed in front of them. It was my duty nothing more, nothing less. But even just accepting it, it made me feel empty, small, as if I could breathe, as everything just spin, just spun through my mind, into an endless whirl, a whirl that wouldn't stop spinning, no matter how hard I reached dut for something to hold onto to. 

"Padawan Berkley this is your Master," Master Kanobi's voice sounded disoriented in my ears as everything seemed to buzz, fuzzy. It began to feel, feel as if I was being devoured, being held against my will as my face began to became purple with the loss of oxygen as I would skip away in pain, under this magnifying force that would murder me. Only to see it all through the smallest lenses, an eyesight with the borders, the borders that blocked what I could see, as everything also became blurry from water.