Asterisk*

Presents and People*

*Through the smiles of people around us

We smile and laugh knowing it'll all end,

We throw our hands in the air even though we cared,

We worked hard even though we knew it would all flop,

Because as humans,

We do nothing right.

Apollo 

I always started Christmas shopping the second December rolled around. The best presents were always the ones you got at the start of the month. Sometimes I would pick them up before as well, just making sure I would be prepared when the time comes around for gift giving. To me, the gifts just made up for putting up with me the whole year around. Like a reward for sticking by my side, no matter how infuriating I was. It's a sorry to all the people I love and a thank you to all the people you love me. Whichever way you took it, that was fine by me. I did my part when it came to compensation.

It's funny when people say they give gifts and expect for no return because that isn't true. Maybe it doesn't seem like it, but there's always a return. It could be just knowing that you're a good person, wanting to make the person feel better, or feeling like this person would have your back when you most needed it. For me, it was a combination of all of these things.

When I was little, my parents used to buy different wrapping paper to pretend they were from Santa. They messed up one year, which made me really upset. Even then, I refused to believe Santa wasn't real. It went on for two more years until my parents told me Santa was too broke to buy me a real car. I'm not sure why that was the thing that pushed me over the edge, but it ended up being. Kids are weird.

Christmas vacation was always the best. Maybe it's because of the ridiculousness of the first few months of school or maybe I just really liked the holidays. It was a sense of family, but amplified by a few hundred times. My mom always made my favorite foods and my dad always made sure to not answer any work calls when he had the time off. My school always lit up the outside with a bunch of LED lights and half the town would go and have a huge picnic on school grounds. Technically, we weren't supposed to do that, but the Christmas spirit let everyone break the rules for one day.

My mom was obsessed with Christmas movies. She watched them all the time: the fourth of July, Halloween, and even her birthday. Every day of December, we used to watch a different movie. I was going to miss doing that this year. I would do it myself, but I just didn't have the time. However, I was going to try and binge a bunch of them when I did have the time so I could be on the same level as my mom. At the same time, it made me feel like I was distanced from my family more than I was, and it felt weird to be like that.

I asked Marcus if he wanted to go Christmas shopping with me today, to which he agreed. He would meet me down by the South building in a few minutes. I don't know how I got so comfortable being around him, but I did. He just had this aura about him that melted my walls, made me smile, and wrapped me in a blanket without ever saying a word. It was a fuzzy feeling, like snuggling up to a dog as a child and falling asleep beside it. I didn't plan on doing whatever this was, but I do plan on being fucking glad that I did.

I put on a few different jackets, making sure to bring my gloves with me just in case I got cold. For some reason, I always think of December so much colder than November. I'm not sure how much damage could have happened in one day, but December just seems like such a winter month. November was that month that wasn't quite fall, but wasn't quite winter either. That is, of course, unless you live somewhere where the weather is all the same. Then, every single month felt the same and I was going on and on about something that didn't matter at all.