Asterisk*

Impaler and Insurrection*

*Stake for the heart, point full of poison

Stake of nail through the heart,

Local lords and ladies,

Loud and powerful,

Big and boisterous.

The common denominator,

One and one only:

Me.

Marcus 

I'm dreading everything I have done in the past two weeks with every fiber in my being. Every atom in my body. Ever hair on my head, every cell in my brain. I guess there aren't enough cells in my brain to stop me from doing what I was doing. Or perhaps there's too many and I'm just turning a blind eye to their grand plan. It's pretty obvious I don't have a grand plan. No plan at all, really. I'm supposed to have one. The second I get back home, I'm supposed to go march into that police station and demand they look for him harder. That's what a good friend would do. But the truth is, I'm a little too freaked out to do that. Freaked out about everything, really. Myself. The police. Kadance. Aiden. Dash. And most of all, Apollo.

I keep thinking about why I did it. What was I even doing, ignoring what I could only describe as the best thing to ever walk into my life? After bouts of thought, I could only come up with one explanation; I wanted to punish myself. I had taken the best thing Kadance had, his whole fucking life, away from him. So I took away the best thing, forcing myself to feel the pain that he did, only to conclude it fucking sucked. It was like I was punishing Apollo even just being around him, forcing him to deal with baggage he didn't sign up to claim, being the anchor to weigh him down when he could sail farther than any of us. Even if it hurt so much, at least he would still be here. Still In the hallways to stare at when he's not looking, glancing through the window when he's sitting inside before shaking it off and moving along. He's not missing. He's here and I couldn't be the one to ruin that.

Saying goodbye to Apollo was the worst thing I ever had to do. The rest of my life was always a circumstance placed upon me, full of stupid decisions I should have thought through way more than I actually did. But here I was, doing something that seemed like might help, might just save whatever I hadn't already destroyed of his spirit. I've never said goodbye before. Not like that, not to someone who I could very well go back to. But I guess I did it now, and I have to admit, it wasn't a very good one. But it was a goodbye, something I didn't get to do with Kadance.

The last time I saw him in person was when we were taking care of Aiden. The last thing I had texted him was only two days prior to when he went missing. I hoped it wasn't something stupid, panicked and checked my phone when I realized that it might truly be the last thing I would ever say to him. To my horror, it said 'I'll bring the flowers' which was in response to him looking for flower arrangements for his sister's wedding. That's so stupid. So meaningless. There's absolutely nothing I could do now to change that and I resent that so much.

I was supposed to be packing to go home today, but I just wanted to crawl into the suitcase, zip myself shut, and full it up with the tears that would eventually come out of my eyes. I'm not sure how to act when I do get home. I'm embarrassed, really. I wouldn't blame the whole town for being too. If I tried to help, would Aiden get mad? Would I be doing a disservice to Kadance? Am I supposed to just pretend like I had everything together for the sake of others, or even for the sake of myself, like Apollo does? I truly have no fucking clue and that's scaring me shitless a little bit. One wrong move, one wrong word, and I could mess up everything forever, like I already haven't done enough.