Asterisk*

Articulatory and Abatteur*

*Which could be in reference to "you held me down, but I got up," but is not

My mind is held in a cage,

Pricked and prodded,

Dissected in my own mind,

Taken apart and broken.

Where's the fucking key?

Apollo

I fully believe that karma's a bitch. I don't know why. Maybe it's the universe setting the scores with her evil twin sister, or maybe she gets buzzed in the night and decides to be evil for a day after listening to a bit too much of the Descendants soundtrack. Maybe someone broke her heart and left her in a permanent dark mood. Can't blame her. From what I was getting right now, I wouldn't be surprised if I turned out turning into an emo scene kid from ten years ago with the ridiculous pictures that should have been left in the world of Myspace.

The universe really saw me happy for once and was like, 'that's not it' and decided to bestow multiple problems on me. One wasn't enough, oh no. They're not cheap, they share the love. Problems for everyone. Sprinkle them around like free money, for all they care.

I find it so interesting that some people believe that their life was already written before they ever stepped on this Earth. That there's set things for you to do, a path that we all need to follow. That's too much work, in my opinion. I don't think the universe wants to do that much work. There's way too many of us for the universe to be writing scripts before we're born. Rather, I think she's just sitting up there, snapping her fingers when she saw people being too happy. The universe is karma herself. She's pretty chill, for the most time, except at the moment, I wouldn't mind someone dethroning her right now.

I was so sure I knew what I was doing. So fucking sure. I was confident about my answers, studied so long that I felt like I would explode, and made sure to check my answers over four different times through the lens of other smart people I know. I guess that's how you feel when you're growing up, realizing all the lies you're told by adults. History is always the biggest one. You learn the Boston Tea Party is just men dressed as Indians protesting taxes, but it's actually so more than that. But you never know that until later. And at the end of it all, you feel stupid. That's what I was feeling now.

Seventy nine.

Seventy nine that I spent a whole month studying for.

Seventy nine on the test that I beat myself over so much, I felt like I was going to fall.

I was looking for one more push over the finish line, and instead, someone decided to come out of the port-a-potty in a matter of seconds, pushed me aside, and crossed the finish line themselves, securing the first prize. I was still in shock, sitting on the floor, waiting for myself to get up, but my legs refused to function in any way they were designed to. I was a little kid looking upon this big scary world, just in awe with my first horrid experience. The first time the clouds turned grey. The first time the ocean's waves turned grey. The first time the winds blew too strong. Nature took over and I was just an object, a kid lost in the midst of loss, looking for his way around. He wasn't getting out no matter how hard he tried.

Marcus wasn't talking to me. At all. He had come back from looking for Kadance earlier than he said he would. He never told me if he found him or not, but I don't think he did. He wouldn't really be bothered this much if they did. I didn't know what to say or when to say it. I wanted to type out this huge message to him on text, and that was my first instinct. I almost sent it. But fuck that. I'm not pouring out my heart over text if he can't be bothered to talk to me in person. It's been a week. So I sent him a 'hi' instead.