Star Wars Oneshots

Words I can't say out loud (SP)

A/N: IDK. Just some angst. Letters. Sadness.

TW: general, mentions of self-harm, anorexia, depression, suicidal thoughts

Finn -

You'll never read this, and that's why I'm writing it, because it's okay for me to say it here. There's so many things I wish I could say out loud. I talk to a minder. It helps, I guess, but I hold so much back. I don't want to do it anymore. She doesn't know how I actually look. She doesn't see my bruised knuckles or my thin frame. She's blind, like everyone else.

I want to tell her, but I don't. I won't.

Poe

• • • • •

Finn -

It's getting harder to see hope the longer we're at war. It's like all my life I've trained to be the hero, and when it finally comes time, I can't do it. I don't want to get out of bed. I got my own block so that no one would hear when I punch the walls, and wear gloves to cover the damage. I eat late at night so no one sees that I don't really eat. I have a script of excuses that I never get to use because everyone is too blind.

Poe

• • • • •

Finn -

You don't know this, and most people on the base don't, but I'm trans. And looking down at myself hurts so bad. I sometimes think that if I don't eat, my scars will fade. I hate them. I wish I could have been born normal. It would be so much easier. I wouldn't hate myself. I'd fit in.

I wish that I was normal and happy and looked like everyone else on the base. But instead, I look like me.

Poe

• • • • •

Finn -

It scares me how much I've been debating actually giving these to you. Slipping them under your door, or something. Then you'd know. But so would everyone else. I don't think I could deal with that shame. I want control over my own life, but that would be taken away if I give these to you.

Poe

• • • • •

Finn -

I would ask you to promise... something, but I don't believe in promises. I've been betrayed one too many times. I guess seeing you being all perfect makes me nervous, because you look like you could betray me. You have that look in your eyes. But you don't act like it. I don't know what to believe. Or who to believe.

Point is, promises are worthless to me. 

Poe

• • • • •

Finn -

Every good thing must come to an end, right? It will last for however long it wants to last, and then it'll fade away. These past few days, I don't know why you've been talking to me more. Almost like you care. Concern in your eyes when I flinched as you took my hand -- not because I don't like you, but because you poked a scab. Worry written all over your face when you hugged me and felt me, so small.

Like a pile of bones that could float away.

But sometimes that's just how things are, even when there's hope.

Poe

• • • • •

Finn -

I don't want to ruin things with you. We haven't officially become anything, but I saw stars when you kissed me. Like there might be a silver lining after all. Like I want to stay here for you.

So I can't believe I'm doing this, but I'm giving these to you. They're in order. Read them that way and don't make a big deal out of it. Tell Leia, tell Rey, tell BB, tell the minder. But don't make it a big thing. I want this to be worth it.

This is hard, Finn. Really hard. But things that come to an end have to start somewhere.

Poe

• • • • •

Finn -

I know you got my letters. You avoided me for a day afterwards, with BB tailing me everywhere and Leia and Rey asking me if everything was ok. I actually answered truthfully. I was worried; I thought I'd lost you.

But you came back. You came back, Finn, and that's what makes you different. You're better than everyone else. You came back when I needed you most. You came back, and I love you for that.

You saved me, buddy. Just like that first day on the starship. You saved me, and I'm forever in your debt.

Poe