SO BEAUTIFUL °sʜᴏᴡᴋɪ°

Don't get any closer

!!TW!! Mention and description of self-harm. Internalized homophobia and self-hatred.

"You're so ugly. No wonder no girl ever wanted you back"

That was all Kihyun could hear as he looked at his reflection in the mirror. Kihyun passed his hands softly on his face, his fingers stopped on every little part he considered imperfect. Every little beauty grain he had too much. His hands were shaking. He knew a lot of people actually found him beautiful, "gorgeous", even, but he knew deep down that it was all lies. They loved the makeup, but they couldn't see what was underneath. Every ugly mole and scar on his body. He hated them more than anything, wished he could be normal, but no. Each day, he grew more horrible and a worse human being.

That's what he loved about the shower; he wasn't crying alone anymore. There was water mixing with his tears, and he had all the peace he needed here. All the peace he needed to hate himself, to admit to himself all the truths. He couldn't keep lying to himself and believe his members' lies about how beautiful he was. Hyunwoo was maybe the worst with that.

Hyunwoo. The simple thought of his bandmate made him sob harder, curling on himself more. Ever since he realized his feelings for his elder, he never tried to deny them; what was the point? He denied them long enough. His love for Hyunwoo was real, and very vivid; there was no point in hiding them once again deep inside him. He knew he had feelings for his leader, didn't wanna act like he did not because if anything, Hyunwoo deserved to be loved. He shouldn't be ashamed of loving such an incredible man, who deserved to be taken care of, deserved everything in the world. Sadly, Kihyun knew it would never be his place to give Hyunwoo the love he needed. That it would break everything, destroy his and his bandmate's dreams.

He knew how hard they fought, too. It wouldn't be fair to make them suffer of his own stupidity, of his own homosexuality for a man he was way too close to to love. Kihyun had no choice but to suffer alone, feel the pain running through his blood. He hated it, wanted to tear his skin appart. He hated himself, hated his stupid feelings and wish they would go away. Wish he wouldn't be such a sinner. Why couldn't he like every other boy? He promised his mother he'd bring her a cute, perfect girl to marry one day. He was a disappointment, never controlling anything and he hated it. Hated how now, every time he saw the oldest, his heart would start to beat louder and his skin would sweat. Kihyun absolutely hated how he felt jealous of his friends for being with Hyunwoo when he himself was avoiding him. Hated the way he was staring at those lips, sometimes, and being overwhelmed with the need to kiss.
He hated it, hated himself and the way he felt. Hyunwoo deserved better anyways, and this thought that tore his heart appart made everything feel so painful.

"Nobody will ever love you, freak."

And Kihyun knew it. He wasn't even trying to silence the voice; he knew she was right. Nonetheless, he wanted to silence everything. To just forget about his heart clenching tightly.
That's why the young man took his scissors they kept in the bathroom and used them to cut his skin, feeling the pain run through his body. It hurted, but still less than his dying heart and it made him forget about that. So he kept cutting, until all he could see was red and all he could think was that as long as Hyunwoo was happy, he would be too.

Kihyun knew he was saying bullshit to himself. But, as he was covering the marks on his arms, he really believed himself for some instants. And that was all that mattered for now.