SO BEAUTIFUL °sʜᴏᴡᴋɪ°

Hold me tight

TW:Suicidal thoughts. Honestly, if it's triggering for you, you might not wanna read the following chapters either

It was a normal movie night in Monsta X's dorm. As usual, Kihyun had been forced to follow by a whiney Minhyuk, whom he couldn't say no to. However, he wished he could have had the strength to tell him no. The sight of Hyunwoo cuddling Jooheon on the couch so naturally made his heart and entire body ache and made him feel a bit sick. Kihyun knew it was stupid to feel that way, since he himself avoided his friend, but he felt in a sense that Hyunwoo didn't care. Or didn't even care enough to notice that Kihyun has been drifting away. Like their friendship didn't matter that much to him, like Kihyun wasn't important enough that Shownu reached to him. It was selfish, he knew it and he hated himself for that, but he couldn't help it. It made Kihyun feel almost angry, betrayed...Rejected. He could hear it, could hear the voice in his head telling him he wasn't important. And he was starting to believe said voice more and more. The only thing he never gave in was the suicidal thoughts. While Kihyun might be selfish on some side, he knew what kind of shit he would pull his friend through if he actually went as far as hurting himself severely or even dying. It would be difficult and he didn't have the heart to hurt his friends even more than he already did sometimes. It broke his heart just thinking about it and he knew he had to and would suffer in silence for everyone's well being. Thinking about it, though, made him wonder something.

Would he miss me if I was gone?

Kihyun didn't know. He and Hyunwoo barely talked recently and the older didn't even seem to notice or care. Maybe he had been wrong all along and that they had never been friends. Maybe Hyunwoo's kindness was just a facade for the well being of their work environment.

The thought made his heart ache in a way he didn't think was possible. Oh, he felt sick.

By the time his momentary sickness was over, so was the movie. Every member had already got up to go to his room and Kihyun was about to do the same when he saw his leader's eyes fixed on him. He felt rather...Observed and it made him feel anxious. Did he do anything wrong? Was he about to get scolded?

-I'm sorry…

Those words shocked greatly the younger man, who truly did not understand. Sorry about what?

-Look, whatever I did wrong, just tell me, slap me, do something! I never wanted to hurt you, I'm so sorry that I did something so bad that pushed you to get away. I didn't wanna invade your bubble but now I need to tell you, please forgive me, I'll do anything! Don't hate me!

Son Hyunwoo was here, begging him for forgiveness for a thing he didn't even do and crying. Shownu was crying, a little, looking at his main vocalist with pleading eyes. At this moment, Kihyun wanted to slap himself so hard.

How could he have even thought that Hyunwoo might not care? That he might be an asshole? How could he doubt their friendship like that just because of his stupid feelings?

So here was the smallest man, standing speechless as he felt so, so guilty for many things. He hated seeing Hyunwoo cry, especially since he was the reason why. It broke his heart even more than whatever he saw and himself lived.

-Hyung, no, I'm sorry, said the youngest man as he wrapped his elder in a tight embrace. He knew he would lie from now on, but he couldn't let Hyunwoo cry like that or tell the truth. 

-I'm just really tired, I don't hate you at all! I'm so sorry, I never intended to get away from you, I didn't even notice...You did nothing wrong, I'm sorry hyung…

Kihyun didn't know how many times he actually said sorry, but he felt the need to even say it again. He could feel their leader sobbing against his chest and that shook him to the core. 

Hyunwoo had never been one to cry easily. He was the one that showed the least emotions in general, being a rather calm and neutral person. So seeing Shownu, out of tiredness and worry, sob against his chest...It made him feel something inside…

The need to protect. At this moment, Kihyun had wished he would be the only one to ever hold Hyunwoo like that, the only one who could protect him; but as people say, it was good to dream.

Nonetheless, it wasn't about him. Kihyun held Shownu like that until he was somewhat okay, drying his tears and apologizing for having this sudden emotional outburst. 

Kihyun, Kihyun wanted to scream at him that those moments were the only one giving him a purpose. That he wanted to always be there, never letting anyone else see Hyunwoo like that. The main vocalist knew how, once again, selfish it was, but he felt as if the day Hyunwoo would open up to someone else would be the day where he'd be let down. He didn't want someone else to take his place; it would kill him.

But he kept it secret, like his feelings. Told his elder how sorry he was once again and how he would never mind those outbursts, that he was happy to help.

"You're an angel, Kihyun. We're lucky to have you, I'm lucky to have you here."

Hyunwoo smiled while saying that and it killed Kihyun a bit more. Because he knew this sentence was spoken to him in a friendly way. Because Hyunwoo was a straight male with-he knew-some tastes that would never pick Kihyun if he was gay. But if the latter had to be the perfect supportive friend to stay by Hyunwoo's side, he'd do it. He could be happy with the "amazing friend" title.

He knew once again that he was bullshitting himself, but he prayed his brain would somehow believe this for at least a few moments or days.