SO BEAUTIFUL °sʜᴏᴡᴋɪ°

Oh, I'm head over heels and I feel so dumb

TW:Panic attack, mention of heavy homophobia and homophobic acts, mention of past suicide attemps, alcohol abuse

Hyunwoo let himself slide down the wall, body shaking. All the boys were gone now, and as soon as the last one passed the door, his body gave up. He had been in an anxious mood all day, feeling something scratch under his skin, making his whole being itch. Something that couldn't go away and bothered him greatly. Yet, nothing had been as bad as it was now. He could feel everything around him darken slowly, thoughts invading his mind.

Hyunwoo had been thinking about it often since debut, knowing it was over for him. He hated the fact he was gay, hated the fact he couldn't be like any other guy, and watch girls with neediness. No, he was more the type to check out other guys; especially one. He had known since the day he first saw the other in the practice room, heard his name.

"Yoo Kihyun, congratulations on this monthly evaluation. You did remarkably."

Had known since he saw that adorable smile the younger exhibited. Hyunwoo had been smitten since the first day, his world had been changed in a way. At first, when he had been next to Kihyun for the first real-time on no mercy, his heart had stopped. How could he be in a room all day with him and resist his impulses? He still remembered the ache in his veins when he sat down after the first day. The day had been hell and choosing a song had been even worse. His throat ached, so did his body, but his heart was the most pained. There was tension, an awkwardness in the room that made him feel like he didn't belong here. Like Kihyun hated his guts. To think your crush hates your guts is not pleasant, especially not if you gotta work with him. And so, every day had been more painful. Every time Kihyun sang, Shownu both fell more in love and hated himself more. What was he doing here? He had no real talent. He was a good dancer, sure, but that was it. He felt so much...Inferior to his dongsaeng. Felt like, even if the boy didn't hate his guts, he'd still never have any chances with him because Hyunwoo didn't deserve someone so incredible. 

Kihyun wasn't a faggot like him, anyway.

This thought had him sobbing, curling on himself a bit more. He was pathetic, crying in the hallway against the cold ground. His muscles were screaming in pain from constant dancing and moving around. His body was screaming at him to take a rest while he, tried to scream at his mind to take one. He just wanted to stop being so scared and doubtful of everything, wanted to stop his heart from clenching so tight it hurted him. He just wanted the damn hurt to stop, was it too much to ask?! 

He was tired of being scared of himself, of his own feelings. He could barely look at Kihyun without the intense need to cry nowadays, especially ever since the youngest started avoiding him. It hurted so much, seeing the boy he loved go away like he didn't exist anymore. Like they were back in the trainee days. 

What Hyunwoo hated the most was the fact he loved the boy. He couldn't help it, he loved guys and especially him. As a leader, though, he had six boys' futures on his back and it was his responsibility to lead them. He couldn't let them go because he was one of them. A fag.

What would they do if they discovered he was gay? Would they do like some of the trainees did? 

He was here, trying to scream at them to stop. He couldn't breathe, couldn't open his mouth or eyes without being invaded by water. Behind him, three or four boys were laughing. One was holding his head in the water of the toilet, making sure he couldn't breathe. He really couldn't breathe anymore, he was sure he was going to die that day. His body never shook so violently with fears, his pleas muffled by the water. And they were laughing, kicking him.

"Every fag deserves something like that. Just die and stop polluting the planet with your disease. Fucking weirdo."

Hyunwoo remembered how he fainted there and woke up with the disappointment that he wasn't actually dead. He remembered the pills he took that night until he fainted again. The days at the hospital, the bitter feeling of numbness pills gave him.