SidNaaz : Contemplating Insecurities

Chapter 99

Sidharth

"The longer you wait for something
The more you appreciate it
When you get it
Because anything worth having
Is always worth the wait."

The last two days had been weird. My mood was constantly fluctuating. I'd be alone most of the day, only sitting beside the few people I talked to when being called for conversation or bored out of my wits. I lay awake before the song rung through the room, putting a smile on my face. The smallest of connections to her made me do just that. I get out of bed humming along to the song, walking straight over to the kitchen to fill my bottle of water. Taking a dragged sip I walk into the washroom, quickly freshening up before heading down to the garden letting the croaks of the crows fill my ears along with the song. I wondered if she was watching, or if they'd shown me specifically. The thought that she had the power of seeing me 24/7 even whilst constricted behind the 4 walls seemed unfair. I was made wait to even hear her voice and she being outside had the option to watch the entirety of my day through her screen. Pondering about the same further, I got rid of the unfair thought. She was definitely facing the social media worlds as well, right now for the both of us. I wipe away a soft bead of sweat from my forehead, looking up at the crows. The gym lay empty, making me ponder over if I should or shouldn't not wanting to be late for the weekend episode. It was seemingly starting earlier than usual, or what I was used to at least. The memory of lazing around while Shehnaaz got ready last year filled my mind. She'd complain about it almost every week, although she knew it'd make no change. If anything I'd seen her letting herself be more laid back and not rush into it.

After taking a quick walk across the grass, picking up my breath from the workout I pick up one of the stools from beside the table. I needed something to sit on whilst working out. Assuming it was strong enough to hold up the weight of both myself and the changing weights I pick up. I was proved wrong shortly, the side of the stool cracking the minute I started. I let out an internal laugh, looking around the area to see if anyone was outside. Gladly there wasn't. I kick the side back into place, stupidly sitting back on it before fixing it back up and placing it where I'd found it. I wasn't to sure it'd be there until someone else sat on it or not but I hoped it did, the sight would be funny. I walk back across the grass, stepping on to the little path looking at my reflection in the mirror. I sighed running a hand through my fairly dry hair. I'd let HK oil it once but I was used to having Shehnaaz do it for an hour or so at a time, without a mention. All while telling me stories or memories that perhaps calmed me more than how her hands brushed through my hair. I close my eyes, remembering all of that wasn't going to help. I thought back to the vanity, how she'd somewhat held back from crying and then burst the moment she stepped into a mere distance. She hadn't wanted to leave, I didn't want to let her either but sometimes desires can't be priority. Her warning of heading back to punjab had flooded my mind more than it should although I knew she wouldn't leave. Not with the "kasam". But I couldn't help feeling like she'd get fed up and do just that to get back at me. The task, how the episodes were edited or what exactly was shown, I knew nothing of but I knew that her favourite social media would keep her on her toes in a bad way. I throw my head back looking up into the sky,wanting her to have agreed and come her with me. I knew why she hadn't but I felt myself loosing control and will, the most unusual feeling I'd felt. It felt like I wasn't doing enough. Enough of what was a good question. The answer lay in the depths of my mind that only she'd understand. I groan moving back to the gym. Yet her void was impossible to fill. I was missing her mere presence. Thinking of what she'd currently do If she was here. Most probably she'd be enjoying breakfast or bugging me about not giving her complete attention. Or perhaps she'd watch. I'd be delighted with any of those. Any other than what I currently had. On the latter side however I also liked that she hadn't come. I wouldn't be able to hide being the clingier one on a 24/7 live stream. Nor would I be able to reason why I only wanted to share a bed with her without giving everything away. She'd probably blabber about something too, let out information and then bring the cutest of her sullen faces to apologize. Grunting I lift up the bar higher, securing it into place before grabbing weights.