SidNaaz : Contemplating Insecurities

Chapter 44

Shehnaaz

"The thing to her that
Was different about him
Was the way he
Listened to her.
He didn't listen to
Find the right and wrong
Of what she was saying;
He listened to feel and then
He speaks to her
In ways no one
Before him had.
Its impossible for her
To not listen"

"Mere liye bhi tu final hi hai. But tune kitna bhao khaya... rabba.. sara sara din manati rehti thi aur fir jab pak jati thi toh tu maan jata tha. Mtlb hadd hai, subah se lggi huyi hoti thi pr tune raat ko hi maan na hota tha. Chhotti chotti baaton pe gussa bhi hona hota tha aur faltu k logics bhi lgane hote the. Itna kisi k liye nahi royi hongi main life mein... mujhe bhi tere se pehle aisa kisi ne effect hi nahi kiya. Bhaad mein jaye type attitude tha mera." I chuckle knowing the exact thought currently passing through his mind. He wasnt a fan of the finality, of letting himself loose of perhaps what had kept his heart protected. I let my hands run into his hair, brushing his nape slightly, hearing him let out a soft deep breath. "Kabhi hurt nhi karungi tujhe. Kasam lgge... kabhi nhi karungi. Khud ko problem mein daal dungi lekin tujhe kabhi bhi nahi" I assure pecking the tip of his nose. He smiled slightly letting his arms tighten around me as he fit his head against the crook of my neck. It was slightly funny thinking how somewhere he was still unsure of the things I was certain about long back. All that thinking didn't seem to have done much good. Yet another reason I kept myself from letting my mind take the front seat. I didn't want much of a complicated life, never before and especially not now. He was it. The finality of it making me smile. I liked being at such peace with someone to let that decision be. The sheer bliss I before only felt with myself had seemed to change. A change I was surely happy with.

"Tera samaan nahi rakha tune closet mein?" He questioned as I move back to the room cleaning up the dishes. I shook my head making my way into bed beside him. We were both on the same page on what we wanted to do with our last free day before shoot. Neither of us had enough time on our hands to do so most of the days. "Kyun?" He inquired further laying out his arm as I lay back. "Teri closet hai na bebu? Mujhe vaise bhi suit case ki aadat ho gyi hai" I sigh turning so I could see his face. Currently he was looking at the roof, lost somewhere between the chaos of his ongoing display of thoughts. "Toh kya aise hi lifelong suit case mein band rakhegi sab?" He asked slightly absentmindedly. I pierce my lips holding back the smile forming from hearing him think long term. Sure we'd played out how we'd meet after a number of years but us being together that entire time hadnt ever been in the picture. Me joking about marriage and kids and all of what came along wasnt ever reciprocated. "Tera mujhe Yaha lifelong rakhne ka plan hai?" I ask wanting each and every slight confession I could while he let his words loose. I knew it wouldnt be a daily. The silly fights and arguments would soon come along too. We were slightly incomplete without those. "Kyun tu nahi rahegi? Liv-in nahi chahiye ab tujhe? " He reverted, the slight stifled laugh evidently because pf remembering when I'd brought the topic up myself. I smile remembering the reaction I'd got right after, the soft laugh having been his best try at covering the dark crimson covering his cheeks. "Mujhe toh chahiye, tu khud ka dekh agar kisi ko pta chal gya ya kuch bhi toh tujhe hi tension hogi, mujhe koi problem nahi hai." I reply, going a slightly more realistic way than I probably would've generally.

Si - "Kisi ko kuch pta nhi chalega, aur na hi mujhe koi tension hogi. Maanta hu ki mujhe nahi btaana kisi ko lekin iska yeh mtlb nahi hai ki mujhe problem hai gadhi. Main aaj tak apni family k saath, except mom and Neetu di once, kisi k saath bhi nhi dikha hu. Toh iska kya yeh mtlb hai ki mujhe unke saath dikhne mein problem hai?"

S - "Nahi woh toh tu un sab ko protect krne k liye krta hai-"

"Toh agar tere liye same kru toh problem kaise hua?" He asks leaving me in a trance of thoughts. The private life he lived always leaving me at a slight question had seemingly broken down to a simple mean to keep any and every bad omen away from the people he held close. The underlying understanding of which I'd gotten a few days back but hadn't given it much room in my thoughts. "I know tu strong hai and shayad kahi na kahi industry ka sab jaanti bhi hai pr yeh feeling change nhi kr skta main. I promise sab ko khud hi bta dunga jab sahi lgega, I'm not trying to hide us in any way. Abhi btana priority nahi hai, Abhi Humein khud ko, ek dusre ko time dena chahiye. I agree ki risk hai but I dont mind it." He continued shifting so he lay facing me, his arm still under my head. "Tu schi mein btayega?" I ask having lost focus in the conversation since he'd mentioned the same. My kind was already making scenarios I half heartedly dejected myself, looking up at him for an answer, not to surprised with the soft laugh that followed. "Tu sahi mein woh hi sunti hai joh tujhe sunna hota hai." He mumbled pressing a soft peck to top of my head. I smile looking just as keenly, awaiting an answer. "Btaunga baby, of course btaunga. Mujhe bhi toh right milna chahiye na tujhe claim krne ka? Tune toh kr liya already, abhi woh last jo interview diye Delhi mein, almost sab mein tere hi sawaal the. Fir woh ek tik tok impressions wali baat bhi huyi thi-"

"Haan maine bhi sunna! Sab tweet bhi kr rahe the..." I chime, letting the conversation flow into more of a light manner. I go to show him a few of the tik toks too, scrolling through my own profile a while later. We pass the afternoon watching a few of those, talking about each of the instances much to his insistence. I went on to tell him about a few of the modelling shoots I'd gotten before bigg boss too, the entire story of it and also what the aftermath was. The whole thing about my makeup artist and what not. Though I felt disgusted speaking about the same I knew he wouldnt judge it that way. He knew me more than that in a time much less than most. I also go on to tell him about the projects now being pulled out and posted after being rejected because of my mere presence before. "Toh tune unse baat nahi ki? Production house ko bol skti hai tu htane ko" he murmured just as his hand laced through my hair, shushing the last of the words I had. "Na... mujhe nahi krna aisa. Bas promote nahi karungi... krne do unko." I conclude throwing my phone off to the side. I lay silent the next few minutes as he himself lets the topic fall without much discussion. The thoughts of returning back to the Punjabi industry flew through my mind knowing I had a few projects I could simply go and sign right now from people who I'd wished gave me a simple chance months back. I let those fade too, the feat of being left out or feeling alone again giving me the jitters. I snuggle up against Sidharth in response to the same, hugging him tighter than I'd initially meant to. He didn't seem to be fazed, the soft pat against my back enough for me to know he somewhere knew what'd come up.