N.O.

Chapter Three

-Carlos-

I'm driving home from USC today, hopefully to find some answers for myself. I needed to leave school for the weekend, I needed time and space to think about the actions I committed when I got to college. I just hope no one bothers me too much back at home. Who am I kidding though? Luna will know something's up the moment she doesn't see Grace with me. Actually, Luna hasn't been herself recently, I notice things too. I know she hasn't been able to hug me, I don't get why though. Do I smell that bad? I mean it's just football, maybe a little more smelly than when I was in high school but that's just because I work out more. Maybe I should come home more to do laundry. I know she's been dressing more tomboy-ish. She's been wearing sweats more often than she did before I left for college, not that I'm judging. I actually prefer her to cover up, there's some sketchy guys who just want to fool around with young girls like her. I just want to protect her. She's my little sister. I feel like once I let my secret out, everyone will see me as less of a man. If that happens, I won't be able to protect her anymore. I won't be able to protect anyone I love anymore. Maybe it's just best if I keep this secret to myself for a little while longer. I'm doing it for their well-being and the well-being of our family name. My parents wouldn't understand anyway. This is for the better. I won't tell them.

I've been waiting in my car for the longest time outside my house. For some reason I don't want to get out. When I got into my car this morning I told myself that I was going to spill my secrets to everyone today. To Luna, to my Mom, to Cole, especially to Grace. Grace. She would absolutely hate me. I promised her a future together. Will she ever forgive me? How could she though? I know I wouldn't. Can she blame me? This is all new to me still. I love her, I really do, but not in the way I thought I did. Not in the way she thinks I do. This isn't fair to her. I can't do it. I can't humiliate her like that. She doesn't deserve that. She deserves better. She deserves the world. Maybe I can spend my life with her and be happy. Would I be happy? I'd be lying to everyone. I've never lied to anyone in my life before, aside from small white lies in favor of the feelings of others, but that's besides the point. I'd be lying to myself. I'd be lying to myself for a lifetime.

I sucked it up and finally decided to get out of the car. I locked my car as I closed my door and began taking small strides toward my front door. My old front door. I'm not sure how much longer I'll be allowed in the house. Stop it Carlos. You're not telling them. Not today. Maybe even never. You can hold it in for a while longer. It's for the better.

I knocked on the door, three times to be exact. It took less than 5 minutes for my Mom to come open the door and greet me with the biggest hug. I'm going to miss hugs like these. Stop thinking like that Carlos.

"Carlos!" She cheers. She hugs me and kisses both of my cheeks.

"Ama." I smile awkwardly and embrace her.

"¿Dónde está Grace?" She asks me, confused written all over her face. I'm not really sure how to respond to her. I don't like lying. You've been lying to her for months Carlos. I try to shut out the voices in my head.

"No pudo venir hoy, está ocupada con el arte." I tell her that Grace couldn't make it because she was busy with her art. Did I mention she's an amazing artist and goes to one of the top schools for art? She's perfect. I can't ruin her life.

"Aww, bueno, eso es muy malo. Dile que le digo hola la próxima vez que la veas." She tells me to greet her next time I see her. Truth is, I'm afraid of seeing her.

"Where's Luna?" I asked, maybe to relieve tension and move on to another subject.

"Carlos, sabes que sólo puedes hablar español en esta casa." She hates it when I start speaking in English, she thinks I'll lose touch with my roots. She doesn't get mad when Luna does it though. Not fair.