Varian and the Seven Kingdoms nonsense

Rejects

Varian's hiding something in the caravan

Hugo: Hey Varian.

Varian: HaM! HuGo, haM. Hello Hugo, do you want ham? I don't have any ham. What are you doing here?

Hugo: I live here.

Varian: GrEaT. Did your hair... lose... weight?

Hugo: What's in the caravan?

Varian: What is a caravan? Did you get new... arms?

Hugo: Move out of the way.

Varian: nooooo

*Hugo sees dead body and screams*

Varian: *screams* AAA-that is a nice chair! Let's just look at it.

Hugo: I already saw the body. You can't distract me!

Body falls from behind the chair

Varian: so nice.

Hugo: What are these dead bodies doing here!?

Varian: Honestly not much.

Hugo: I'm calling the guards.

Varian: uhhh HaM!
Throws ham at Hugo's face

Hugo: I want answers.

Varian: OK, I lied, I do have ham.

Hugo: About the bodies!

Varian: Oh, well you know when you want to tell someone something but you don't want to hurt their feelings so you kind of bottle it all up inside until it slowly but surely develops into an overwhelming urge to kill them?

Hugo: Obviously.

Varian: I cloned you so I could kill you.

Choir voices: Hugo, Hugo, Ham

Hugo: Oh my gosh- wait, why did you clone me twice?

Varian: Yes... twice.

Spanish Hugo: Hola

Varian shoots him

Spanish Hugo: ah, adios.

Hugo: Who was that?

Varian: That was Spanish Hugo. I called him Spago.

Hugo: Why?

Varian: It's a portmanteau of Spanish and Hugo-

Hugo: no why was he SPANISH?

Varian: Oh, yeah the cloning process took a while to perfect. There were rejects.

Hugo: How many rejects?

DUTHB Hugo: HaS aNyOnE sEeN mY fOoT?

Hugo: Why would it be in your hair?

Varian: Oh, that's Doesn't Understand the Human Body Hugo

DUTHB Hugo: Hey! Say that to my face!

Varian shoots him

DUTHB Hugo: OW! MY KNEES!

RBA Hugo: Remember kids, if a strange man offers you candy, there's probably more in his wagon.

Varian: That's Really Bad Advice Hugo.

Varian shoots him

RBA Hugo: DrInK bLeAcH

Racist Hugo: I really hate this next guy-

Varian: Racist Hugo

Varian shoots him

SA Hugo: Ugh, white people-

Varian: Secretly Asian Hugo

Varian shoots him

Hugo: huh. They all look the same to me.

Varian: Whoa.

Hugo: oh what they're clones! Really?

Varian shoots multiple times

Varian: Barbershop quartet Hugo.

Hugo: So, is that all of them?

Varian: Well, there's suicidal Hugo, but-

Distant gunshot

Varian: Yep, that's all of them.

Hugo: Thank goodness. You know Goggles, if you have something to say, you can just say it to me. We've all bottled up our feelings to the point where we feel like our only option is to murder a bunch of clones, but you can just talk to me.

Varian: Thanks man.

Hugo: So... what is it you wanted to say?

Varian: You're a clone.

Hugo: What?

Varian: I turned the real Hugo into a chair.

Hugo: WHAT?!

Varian: I called him Chago

Chago screams

Hugo screams

HAM

Hugo wakes up in a cold sweat

Hugo: Oh man! It was a dream. Looks at Varian and then at a chair
then again...

He gets up and starts poking the chairs.

Hugo: OK, story checks out for now.

AN: Whew! This chapter is finally done! Man everyone here makes writing look so easy. This took forever. See ya later!