DEAREST, pansy parkinson

v. down the rabbit hole

tw: suicide, overdose, death, unhealthy coping

Dearest Parkinson,

What the fuck, Pansy? 

What's this about? 

You probably aren't serious. It'll be okay, you'll answer this letter, won't you?

It's Malfoy. Malfoy's doing this, influencing you. You need to get away from him. 

Spiraling down the rabbit hole. 

You've transported me into a terrible state, and I don't blame you. This just pushed me down farther.

I'm not safe, you're right, we shouldn't talk. I'll end up doing something I'll regret, something I can't take back. 

But nonetheless, I want you. I need you.

Fun while it lasted. 

I won't blame you. It's my fault. I shouldn't have sent that one letter in the first place. 

I should've stuffed it in a box, like I said I would. I should've put it away in my trunk and forgot all about it, all about you. I should've moved on with my life and not gotten to attached.

That's the price you pay when you try to love. That's a price I can't pay, one I can't handle. 

I loved to smile as a child, you know. 

I smiled when they died. What kind of messed up kid smiles when their mom dangles both feet off a bridge, plunging into the water, only seven minutes left until heaven arrives. 

What kind of messed up kid laughs when their dad gorges on pill after pill on drink after drink because of it? 

I did. Most kids would've cried right, cried their eyes out. Most kids would've longed for the chance to see their parents again. 

But not I.

And what a plot twist this was. 

A girl in love, or in lust, trying to win her crush over. Trying to determine whether the feeling was true, deep affection, or just passionate desire for something. Anything.

 And in the end, she's left wondering, because her mind just completely fucking stopped.

I was lying to myself. I was in clear denial.

You made my heart turn circles when I saw you pass through the hallway. You don't know how many times I've been this close to running up to you. Talking to you. But I continued to stay hidden. 

And now I'm spiraling down the rabbit hole of doubt, lies, and memories. I desperately hold on, but my hand slips and now I'm falling into endless nothingness, so quickly.

Sincerely (even though, I'm positive you won't read this) L