How To drown On Land

10

Thomas looked at me smiling a soft, sad smile. "Hey," he says quietly. I look at him shocked, my mouth slightly open. "how are you doing " he continues, while I continue staring at him. I open my mouth and then close it. I can't look him in the eyes I hear his and Michelle's conversation replays in my head over and over again. I look at his shirt, he has a loose string on his shirt should I ask to pull it off? I guess I should answer him

"I'm fine what about you," I asked still staring at the string and not him. He steps closer to me, I back up a bit. I hear him sigh "Ryley look at me please .... look I'm sorry for what you heard" I feel hurt as he says that. I go back to staring at the string. I shouldn't say anything. I don't have room to talk really. It's my fault we broke up. It's my fault he started dating Michelle. I'm fine I say to myself over and over again.

"I didn't mean it," he says. Lies. People keep lying to me. I risk looking up, he looks guilty. "You know I loved you, Ryley she was feeling insecure and I was trying to reassure her, she's always been jealous of you," he rambles on but I kinda stopped listening. I nod and look up at him "why are you here Thomas" I ask looking at his shoes, he's wearing his black Vans... the ones I wrote on in metallic sharpie SHARK on the rims. Why is he wearing those? I look up to his eyes.

"Because it wasn't fair for you to hear that and think it was true. You should know it's not true," he looks like he wants to say more but I interrupt "People don't say things they don't mean at least a little" I look back down at his shoes, the memory of that day flashes over me I force it away. "You should go, you don't want people to know you're here huh?" I open the door. He looks at me "Ryley, C'mon, you said we would be friends forever, you remember," I do remember that conversation so I nod "Yeah I know... I just need space, friends don't say stuff like that behind friends backs" I say he has ripped black jeans on, I remember telling him he looked good in those. He looks good. I remember getting him a t-shirt to wear with jeans like that.

"Ryley you know I'm always here for you right?" he says as he finally takes a step back out the door. I nod "yeah I know Thomas" he nods "you can call me Tommy again" I nod and tell him I will. He leaves and gets in his car. It's blue like my eyes he once said right after he got it our sophomore year. Right before I left. Right before Adam Killed himself.

I know I mess up a lot. But if I'm honest I'm a lot worse inside than what I let people see. I remember the blood. The photos his older sister sent me after. His parents were mad at me, his mom who used to tell me to call her mom, screamed at me after his funeral when she saw me.

It was my fault. It Was My Fault . IT WAS MY FAULT!

I rush to my room But I feel everything spinning. I close the door

I fall to the floor crying. I'm breaking. Why didn't I know. I could have saved him. My walls are falling down. I pull at my hair.

I hear my window open it's Clara, "Hey I know I'm early but I rented a movie and- Oh My GOD RYLEY!" she's holding me but I can barely feel anything " IT'S MY FAULT!" I repeat to her squirming trying to move without hurting her I hurt everyone. "I Don't wanna hurt you! YOU Need to leave. You Don't need me! You don't want me!" She's holding me tighter "Shhh Hun. It's ok. shhhh I ain't going anywhere. I do need you and I really want you" she reassures me a hundred more times. I cry myself to sleep in her arms. Surrounded by an angel but feeling the pain of a demon.

I sit up, relief rushing over me as I realize it's just Clara holding me. I move a bit and regret it. Pain shooting through my temples, I need water. I move a bit and feel her stir a bit. She sighs "hey,.... you thirsty" she yawns. I nod and she gets up and grabs a water bottle " you should drink all of this" she pulls out a uncrustable too. Great she went downstairs. I look at her worried my mom had been home she rolls her eyes but they soften " she was at soccer with the boys or whatever they're into now I grabbed stuff and came back up stairs. But she is home now" I look at the time, its only nine. I open the water bottle and drink it in two minutes.She goes and grabs another one. I take a few bites of the sandwich and finally look at her fully.

"I'm sorry Clare ..i-i just" she telling me to shush again "You are completely fine to have flashbacks and have bad days," she sighs and frowns a bit then taps my thigh "but this, this isn't okay" I look down realizing I'm wearing sweats now. I start to cry but the tears aren't there. the water is still processing. She wipes the nonexistent tears away "I'm sorry" She shakes her head and she whispers her love for me and I just keep apologizing "I know, I'm not mad just sad I couldn't help the girl I love and call my bestie." She has tears going down her cheeks, they wet my cheeks as she kisses my forehead.

We stay like that wrapped in each others arms and bodies for the rest of the night and then day. And even though the cuts still hurt when people touch them I wouldn't rather feel the pain for anyone else at this point. I deserve it from her. I broke her promise.

/// OMG I AM SO SORRY ABOUT THE LATE UPDATE!! i have had covid and writers block but i will be going back to my regular updating schedule on this book <3 <3 the love and support is LOVED!! be safe yall <3 Asher Robin//