How To drown On Land

3

I went up to my room after dinner and layed on my bed. It was my fault, in the end, I know that now I shouldn't have put everything on him and expected him not to feel anything. I knew in my heart it was My fault he was gone because instead of me worrying about him I was worried about my own dumb problems. Suddenly I'm in that dark place again. my mind started to spiral my heart hurting I couldn't breathe I needed to do something but what? I decided to call Clara she can help I think. I had met Clara while I was away at my other "school" She answered on the second beep. "Hey hun what's up" She then realized I was sobbing as I tried to tell her I needed a friend but I couldn't get the words to form "I'm on my way. Promise me you'll be safe till I get there ok. I'm leaving right now. I'm going to stay on the phone with you.". I heard her car start. While she was driving she kept telling me "It's all right" and that she was "almost there" She finally pulled up to my house and climbed up my tree. It wasn't like my mom would care if Clara was here more of the fact I didn't want my mom to worry. I opened the window and she crawled in and hugged me and just held me while I cried. I just kept repeating the same phrase over and over again and she kept telling me it wasn't true. "That I couldn't have known."

Clara was only a year older than me, but we had both gone through some pretty messed up things. Which is how we both ended up in the Evermont therapy program. A program in which you went to school and therapy with all the same people and all your actions were monitored. We were forced to as part of our therapy to talk about why we were where we were. I had begged my Therapist to give me a bit longer before I shared openly but I already had been given two months. we had a new girl that day too, Clara. So I looked into the group "I Made my Best friend kill himself" My therapist smacked her head when I said that. "What she means is that their best friend who knew everything about their situation killed them self. They had been dealing with self-harm and suicidal idealization and felt like it was her fault. When it's not in any way." I rolled my eyes. I knew I should be in jail at least or dead. I shouldn't have put everything on Adam and it killed him. I had gotten excited when I saw someone else who had scars on their arms. Which is as messed up as it sounded. I thought about this for the rest of the group. 

 I was putting my chair away and getting ready to go spend the rest of my day here in a "quiet corner" which was really just timeout for the bad kids. Honestly, I loved it there, it was quiet and I could get away with drawing as long as I told them it was for therapy and my therapist usually agreed it was the best way for me to cope. I was picking up my bag when I heard her voice say "It's not your fault, she's right about that. You need to realize that if you ever want to get out of here" she laughed, it was this chick's first day and she was telling me how to get better "yeah thanks" I rolled my eyes. And left. She was on my van route that day. It turned out she was living in a girl's home. And that therapy was like second nature to her. She talked to me and I welcomed the warmth that was there in her voice. I knew there was something different about her. Maybe it was her laugh or the fact that she didn't say that sentence earlier with an oof you poor dear look but with one of knowing. Whatever it was I wanted to know.

She stayed the night holding me and woke me up from the nightmare that kept repeating itself. In the morning when my alarm went off, she slipped through the window and told me she'd be back after school. We were going to different schools now since we both got out of Evermont. I got ready making sure to clean my face and make sure no trace of last night was on me. Before heading down to the table where the twins were arguing about the toy in the cereal box. I grabbed it "It's mine if you're going to fight over it!" I laughed and set it on my head and they started crying. So finally I put it in the trash and told them to stop fighting over a cardboard mouse. They only cried harder. My mom then got mad at me for trying to fix it but making it worse. "Your dad's taking the boys to school today so he should be here around 7:45"  I rolled my eyes. My dad hated that I was back at my old school. "Great !" I said Sarcastically. Me and my dad didn't really get along.  I usually don't visit him on the weekends anymore. In his eyes, I had failed as a child. I ran up to my room threw on some clothes and took my time to do my makeup so I wouldn't have to talk to him at all. I know I should put the effort in but I really didn't feel like it. He had given up on me after the last Hospital visit. And I gave up on him trying after the first.

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