Out Of Control Sequel

36

TW's:
-Suicide attempt!!! (description)
-Really negative thoughts and self hate

George's POV

My parents took me home with them, because Clay had a dentist appointment. My parents both left to go to work again and I was laying down in my bed. I was really sad, but like really sad. I felt like no one loved me, I felt like everyone was mad at me. I was broken.

Clay didn't love me, he was just lying at me. No one loved me, everyone wanted me to die and so did I. I was thinking about this for a few days now and I stood up, walking really slowly downstairs. I walked to a closet and grabbed some paper and a pen. I started writing my suicide letter. It was going to be a small letter, I didn't think they would care that much anyway.

Clay, mum and dad,

I love you all a lot. I actually love you more than anything, but I don't think you love me as much. Everyone keeps bullying and hurting me and I can't deal with it anymore. I really love Clay, but I think he doesn't love me. I'm sorry, I have one question Clay.

Do you please want to take care of my stuffed animals? Sheep, bear and Stripy are yours, I think they love you. Please be nice with them, they were my best friends.

I love you all, I hope I will see you again someday. I will miss you three and my stuffed animals.

George <3

I laid the note down on the table and I walked upstairs, grabbing the rope I had stolen from my dad. I tied the rope to a wooden bar on my ceiling while standing on the tip of my toes on a chair. I grabbed my sheep as I tied the rope around my neck and sighed deeply. I had tears in my eyes, I would miss my parents and Clay really much, but I knew they didn't care about me. It was better.

I felt the rope around my neck tighten a little and I looked down at my feet. I only had to push away the chair. I quickly untied the rope and grabbed bear and Stripy too, holding them all tightly against my body.

I sniffed softly and pouted, I missed Clay already, but he didn't mind. I knew he wouldn't mind.

'Clay, I love you,' I whispered.

I looked at all my stuffed animals and started crying. 'I love you all too. And my mum and dad. They have always cared for me. I wish I wasn't autistic, I wish I was normal just like others. I wish I could communicate, I wish I could make some friends and be with people. I wish I could be like the others, normal. I have always tried to be normal, but I'm not. And if not not normal because of autism, then I'm not normal because I'm gay.'

Tears streamed over my face as I started squeezing my stuffed animals harder and harder, I was broken. I was dying because of the pain. I wanted to be normal, I wanted to be able to talk with people. I wanted to be able to make friends without being scared. I hated myself, I really hated myself more than anything.

Why couldn't I do what I wanted to? Why couldn't I do any study I wanted to, why couldn't I just do what I wanted without being scared? I was still scared to go to ice skating, I just didn't dare talking to anyone.

I was ugly, I was small, I wanted to be taller, but I wasn't. I was only 5,4 feet tall, I wanted to be taller. Clay would like me more if I was taller. He was 6,3 feet, I wish to be 5,10 feet. I bet he would have liked me more then.

I didn't want to be attached to my stuffed animals, but they meant the world to me. They were my best friends I had ever had. They never judged me and they were always with me and they calmed me down. They were my best friends forever, even though I would leave them behind now. I was sure they would forgive me, they were my best friends.

I looked down at them and pouted. I loved them a lot and I was going to miss them, but I was going to miss my parents and Clay even more. Clay had always been there for me and even though I was just annoying and mean, he always stayed with me. I was sure he was going to be happy with another boy or maybe a girl. I wasn't worth it, I wasn't worth taking his time and I definitely wasn't worth anything.

He was going to marry a beautiful girl or a beautiful boy, he would be happy to not be with me anymore. I knew there were way more beautiful people in the world than me, he didn't need me at all. I wasn't worth it, I wasn't worth it for no one.

My parents would be happy to finally be free of me. They always needed to take care over me, they always had to give me more attention with anything. I started talking when I was six, I started walking when I was five, I still peed in bed when I was nine.

They hated me, of course they did. They always needed to take care over me, I was just a baby. You couldn't love me, my mum once was mad at me when I peed my bed again when I had just turned fifteen. They hated me, I knew it for sure. I was just a burden.

And with that, I pushed the chair under my feet away. I fell down, having the rope tighten around my neck. I would just have to wait for a little now. I just had to wait and everything would be over. I just had to wait for peace, how I finally wasn't going to get bullied anymore. I would finally have my peace.

1017 words