Slowly drowning || I

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Eccedentesiast
(n.) someone who hides pain behind a smile

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February 2022

Have you ever felt like you were being slowly crushed? Responsibility, standards, and stress starting to be just a bit too much

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Have you ever felt like you were being slowly crushed? Responsibility, standards, and stress starting to be just a bit too much.

Feeling like with one single mistake everything will collapse.

With one too many wrong answers your life will fall apart. All your dreams and future disappearing.

With one single wrong move, hit, or strategy everyone will die, all the people you love, all the people who believe in you.

Being so deathly scared to fail anyone. Because who knows the outcome of one single mistake?

Wanting to go back to the time when life was so much easier. When you could go and tell your parents and friends everything. Never having to pretend that everything is fine.

But then remembering you did have a person like that.

A person that felt just like home. A person who knows how to calm you down, how to make you feel safe, happy, laugh, smile, but at the same time can make you so mad.

Who you could actually tell everything to.

He knew all of my favorite desserts, movies, and jokes. He knew that I loved being tightly embraced in his arms, and quietly telling me stories just reminding me that he is there.

And I knew everything about him too.

I know how to make him calm down, how to make him feel safe, happy, laugh, and smile.

I know that his favorite dessert is croissants, and his favorite movie is the one with Emile Agreste in it. I know that he is afraid to trouble anyone with his troubles. I know when he is hiding something, to just give him a tight hug and remind him that I am there.

He knew that he could tell me anything and I would always be there.

But then suddenly this person just slowly stops coming. Always saying he can't make it to patrol. Only appearing when I am literally hanging there by a thread.

Causing not only the only person I can talk to leave but also the responsibility of a two-person job to fall on me.

Starting to make day by day, more and more suffocating. Sometimes making it feel like I couldn't breathe, I was just slowly drowning and there was nobody there that could get me out.

And in one week everything just collapsed...

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