Homesick (Lesbian)

CHAPTER 5: Prison

So, feel free to ignore the next few pages if that makes you feel better. It's not like they meant anything in the large scheme of things that is my life. No. That's not true. It does mean a lot. It's a sample of the things I do when I follow the well-regarded 'Don't think about it and it'll go away' mantra. Although, whoever came up with that mantra needs a slap in the face.

I dated Ellen Dumont during what would be my whole stay in New York. Spoiler alert, right? Well, the thing is I'm not hiding it because it's not worth it. Eventually, I had to leave. Eventually, the nice careless vacation Ellen represented would get old, or stop being a vacation and become yet another relationship that I have to deal with. I hadn't dealt with my own, actual, very real relationship, I was not about to put another one on top of that. And I might be careless, impulsive, and extremely dumb, but I'm not that dumb.

Ellen felt the same way. At least, for the longest time, I thought she did.

We had a good time. I can't deny that. She was fun, interesting, exciting, adventurous. No two days were exactly the same with her which made me continuously feel like she kept me guessing. Kinda like a TV show.

If right now it sounds like I got bored of it, you have no idea how quickly. You see, remember when I said getting to know yourself was overrated? The reason is, we are hardly ever who we think, or who we wish we were. And once we figure that out who we are we have two options, we either accept who we are, or we struggle to change it. Ellen was the result of me choosing the latter. 

If it sounds like I've given this too much thought, I understand your frustration, trust me. But Ellen is something that marked me. Something that marked us, both her and me. I'm trying to process it, so I'm sorry if I'm been repetitive.

But I guess I'm rambling again instead of just jumping right in so let's get going.

I slept with Ellen the day of her art opening. I'm not gonna say much more about that. Two days later she took me to this expensive restaurant where everyone knew her. She had a table where she always sat at, and the waiter already knew what she meant when she said, "I'll have the usual."

When she turned to me, I felt like asking for the menu would be ruining things, so instead, I asked her, "What do you recommend?"

Ellen didn't reply to me. Instead, she looked up at the waiter and said, "She'll have the Korean Chicken Bao."

"Three or five?" The waiter asked.

"Five."

The waiter wrote it down and left us alone for a moment. We were sitting in a booth next to one another, so she had her hand on my thigh when she said, "I hope you like it."

"I've never had Bao before."

"Really?"

"Yeah. I mean, don't get me wrong. I know what they are, I just guess my wife and I never..." I stopped myself, licked my lips, and looked at Ellen's face. Her right brow had risen to give her face a puzzled expression. "Oh... I probably should've said this a lot sooner. I'm married. I wasn't trying to keep it from you I just-"

"Nah, that's fine. I'm okay with being someone's little secret."

I laughed. "Except you're not. We separated a while ago. We're not together. See?" I said showing her my left hand. "No ring."

"What happened?"

I had a sip of water and replied, "I don't want to talk about it."

"She cheated?"

"You really want to spend our time together talking about my wife?"

"Since you still refer to her as 'your wife', I think she's still very present."