❁ BOTANY; r.lupin

10.

'The Common Room'

THE GROUP OF friends had barely seen Janice over the past week; Lily always made sure that she brought her favourite foods back from the Great Hall but she had barely touched any of it. How could she eat at a time like this? Instead, Janice threw herself into her studies. Although she was not studying the curriculum. Rather the so called "illness" that her father had before he passed.

Jan knew everything about it. Early symptoms, causes, possible treatments. She kicked herself for not seeing it sooner. When he had that coughing fit at the dinner table, the migraines he was experiencing, his struggle to get down the final step on the stairs. He was so very obviously ill and Janice had missed it. She knew exactly how he should have been treated, she could have fixed it. She could have saved him. And it ate her up inside.

Marlene knocked tentatively on the door to their shared dorm room, "Jan? Can I come in?"

The younger girl mumbled "yep."

Her friend stepped into the room and glanced cautiously at Janice. She was hunched over her desk, scribbling furiously. "Would you like to sit with us in the common room? It's quiet now, everyone else has gone to bed?"

"Gone to bed?", Jan whipped her head up in Marlene's direction.

"Do you have any idea what time it is?"

"4 o'clock?", though now she said it she wasn't so sure.

"its 10pm, Jan. We'd love for you to sit with us for a bit. You don't have to say anything."

Janice knew that it upset Marlene that she wouldn't open up, the least she could do was sit quietly on the common room sofa for half an hour. "Okay", she said softly, "but only for a little bit."

Marlene smiled and reached out her hand, Janice took it and the pair shuffled down the stairs. They were greeted by many sad smiles and relieved eyes; Marlene led her to the space next to Sirius and squashed her in the middle. He smiled down at her and put his arm round her. It was nice, to not have to speak and to just feel their love. It was only now that she realised how much she had missed them all. Even James.

The group chattered their usual nonsense and Janice listened happily; for the first time in a while, her heart didn't feel as heavy. One by one, the lot of them headed off to bed. The first was Peter, then Lily, then it was Emmeline and James followed soon after. Sirius removed his arm from around Janice and trotted up the stairs sleepily. Marlene insisted on staying in the common room with Jan until she was barely able to stifle a yawn every 10 seconds. And then there were two.

"I've missed you, J."

"Yeah, I've missed you too, Rem. I've missed this."

He gave her a small smile and slowly arose from the sofa. She felt her face drop a little bit at the thought of him going to bed - she was enjoying being around other people for once. Janice pulled the blanket that Pete had given her earlier closer to her chest. She supposed she would spend the night down there to avoid the mess of her bed; she had countless borrowed books and crumpled up pieces of parchment stacked on there.

Jan felt a weight perch onto the cushion beside her, "The sofa's not too comfortable, you can pop your head in my lap if you want."

For the first time in a week, Janice smiled. Not just a half arsed one that let people know she wasn't going to spontaneously combust - a proper smile. "Are you sure?"

He nodded and patted his legs, motioning for her to rest her head. As she lay across him, Remus moved the blanket over her and weaved his hands through her hair.

"I feel guilty." She whispered after a few moments.

"How come?"

"He's dead. And i'm sat here with you, happy."

"You're allowed to be happy. He would want you to be happy, J. No matter how much you like it, you've got to keep living."

She paused for what felt like an eternity. "Do you think he would want me to just get over it?"

He shook his head, "You're never going to get over it. You'll just learn to live with it."

That night, she slept soundly.

author's note: this chapter goes out to anybody that's lost somebody that they love. my Nana Jan (yes, her name was Janice) passed when i was younger. it's been a long time but i still miss her everyday, maybe not consciously all of the time but she's engraved in the back of my mind. there isn't one, universal way to grieve so it was difficult to try to write about my Janice's grief. there isn't anything that i wouldn't do to have my grandmother back, to see her again, to hear her voice and hug her. but, for me, grieving is coming to terms with the fact that there isn't anything that i can do. she is gone, and i remain. and that's ok. 

if this reaches even just one person, and can offer them some sort of condolence then I've done what I set out to do. if anybody reading this ever needs or wants somebody to talk to about absolutely anything then please do not hesitate to message me. i love you all endlessly :)