Remember the Lanterns

YS

I think he likes you Hannah.
That's nice.
Is he your style?
My style?.... I think you already know what my style is, I murmur, looking down into my cup.
He's actually good guy. He could be a nice boyfriend for you.
You think so?
Yes. You could be a couple. I wouldn't mind.
I am furious and it's all I have in me to keep my cool. You think I wanted to meet you tonight so that you could set me up?
I don't know. You sounded so..... I don't know. He stutters.
Forget it YS. Please take me home.
No no! It's not like that. I just thought it could be nice for you.
Thanks for thinking of me. But you're making me feel like an idiot, so I'd prefer to just leave.
I feel sorry for you Hannah. I know. I'm pathetic.
Dr. Kim returns, we head back to the SUV. This time I'm in the back seat. Dr. Kim and YS speak Korean the whole way home, and I'm still too slow

to understand much of it, and even less interested in doing so. I get dropped off feeling just as confused as two nights prior. I had tried to keep away the past us as much as possible, and in doing so made it very clear that I was still there, where I had been ages ago. I wait about 45 minutes and knowing that I will no doubt regret this very much, I call YS. To my surprise again, he picks up.
I'm sorry to bother you, but can I talk to you for a bit?
Hannie. Look. I didn't mean for it to be like that tonight. I was trying to be friendly, to show you that we could be friends.
Ok, I manage, not expecting that from him at all.
He continues, you see? I want to be friends with you. I can't marry you.
What???? I'm shocked. This isn't about marriage YS! Where did you get that idea from?
You know how it is in Korea. I'm starting to lose it.
Yes I fucking do know what it's like in Korea, but I'm not Korean and you don't have to be like that. All I've wanted these past few months is to just understand why? What happened? Why did you change your mind about me?
Hannah, I still think about you all the time. But I can't be with you. He pauses. I'm getting married.
Now I pause.
He continues, Our families are meeting next month. She is a doctor too.
Why?
I don't know Hannah. My family wants me to. It's good for them. I wanted to tell you.
You should have.
And I decide to tell him something right now. Something I hadn't told anyone.
I was pregnant. What?

You got me pregnant before you left. .... I start crying. I never told anyone, I didn't know what to do. I was in Korea all alone, and you wouldn't talk to me after you left. I went to the doctor's and I was able to deal with it soon enough, but I...
Why didn't you tell me?
I tried to YS.
No you didn't!
Yes, I did. I tried, but you wouldn't listen! I always listened to you!
I don't know YS, you were just so busy, you didn't have any time for me, I tried to tell you.
I wish you had Hannah. I'm so sorry Hannah. So sorry. And he went quiet.
Apologizing can't change anything now. It's done. And I'm done too. I can't keep doing this to myself.
He knew what I was talking about. I have to go YS.
Bye Hannie, is all he has to say.
I cry myself to sleep, again, but this time it's different. I am in mourning now. For the time lost, for myself, for the baby. For everything.
And within seconds, the alarm goes off, and I have the welcome distraction of going to work for the week.
The week doesn't pass as usual actually. I'm still obviously depressed, not even shiny suit guy can distract me, and the students notice this, asking if I'm sick, saying that I look tired all of the time. On Wednesday, I get an invitation to attend an English club on Thursday evening. Frankly there is nothing I'd rather do less, but since I don't have anything at all to do, I decide to attend. And Jackpot. I'm with my student from school, Chris, and in addition to him, there are about 8 late-twenties men, three of which are taller than I am, one of these of which looks great in a suit, another has perfect teeth and a big smile, and the third of which plays basketball and invites me on Sunday afternoon to join he and his buddies at the pond (Suseong Mot) for a game (which I actually do, for a few months). YS and I

had been there on an early date, walking around the pond and checking out the abandoned theme park – turns out it wasn't abandoned after all, I had just never seen it in operation and assumed it was – and doing the walk over those stones that stick out that are supposed to give you reflexology, but actually just hurt a ton.
I give my number to all three men and the next day, I get calls from two of them. Basketball guy, Dae gi, or Danny, calls on Sunday to see if I need a ride to the pond. Achilles was the one in the business suit. But I can't take his English name Achilles seriously, so I ask if I can call him by his Korean name: Hee Seong. He tells me it's a strange name for a Korean man though and that I should call him Oppa if I want. I struggle with using that word as well, unless I want to be cute, but I can never maintain being cute for too long.