Remember the Lanterns

YS

This year, our Chuseok holiday at BYO was only four days long, since two of the three Chuseok days landed on the weekend. Chuseok was my favorite time of year. Well, fall was. By that time of year, the skies cleared up, the humidity died down and the trees changed color. It was beautiful. The students were always pretty excited about it as well as it meant a few days off from work. Oftentimes, students would return to their hometowns and visit the graves of their ancestors to tidy up and leave offerings. Food, as with all Korean holidays, was extremely important. Of greatest importance was perhaps songpyeon, delicious rice cakes filled with red bean or sesame, cinnamon, other flavors. And rice wines too! Sindoju and dongdongju they were called. It also meant that downtown was extremely busy in the evenings, once all of the ceremonies and huge meals were over, due to not having

work or school or anything the next day. I decide to go for a walk along the river to relax and do some people watching. When I arrive however, the river is almost deserted. There's a group of skinny high school students playing basketball on the sandy court but that's about it. I while away some time and decide to head over to Mr. White for a coffee and a chat. It's been ages since I've seen MS.
I check my mailbox before heading up to my place. It's been a long time since I last checked, but I don't receive anything but junk mail and bills there anyway. There is a huge buildup of flyers and I cart them all upstairs to sort through the pile. There's the usual take-out/delivery food flyers - the Korean version of Chinese food, Pelicana fried chicken, Pizza California, there's my internet bill, my electricity bill and an envelope with just my name written on the front. Nothing else. I open the envelope, and at the bottom of the second page, printed in capital letters, is YS.
Whaaaaaat?
I open the windows on the balcony, to cool the air in the apartment, which suddenly feels uncomfortably hot. When YS and I were dating, he would always send me emails. Long ones, about nothing in particular, but always about things that we laughed about together. New Age music, Kenny G, silly names of wedding halls and apartment complexes, blind dating for marriage (sogetting), men with

permed hair, me. He has never before written me a letter, and I hadn't recognised the handwriting.
The first part is pretty straight forward, asking me how I'm doing and such.
Hi Hannah,
You have been back in Korea for awhile now, haven't you? How have you been? I hope that your job is going well. Do you still have to work on Friday nights until 10pm?
Then he tells me a little bit about him and what he's been doing since he's been back.
It's been awhile since we've spoken to each other Hannah, he continues. I know I have called you a few times, but since you didn't answer me before, I thought that I would write this letter to you. I'm sorry that I didn't reply to your emails before. I can't even remember the last time that I saw you. Was it when we ate ddeokbokki together? Do you still like ddeokbokki?
These days, I often go out with doctor friends to Karaoke. It's similar to when I was working at the public health center during my alternative military service days. I used to drink a lot, especially when I first got back to Korea, but the next day was always hard, and so now I have stopped drinking very much. Of course I still people that I can drink four bottles of soju when they ask me ;).

He was familiar with all of the questions the foreigners got asked and we used joke about this.
In June I went to Fukuoka. I was only there for three days, but it was a good trip. I went with Dr. Kim, do you remember meeting him? The food was great and we had fun.
He listed some of the foods he had eaten and it made me smile since it reminded me of when we had eaten Japanese food together at my first sushi train. After the small talk was over, he confessed a confusion of emotions towards me. I had previously had the same muddled thoughts, but not for a long time.
There are some things that you have probably wanted to know...
Actually, I got engaged this year in June. Maybe you didn't know that. That's why I went to Japan, for my bachelor's party. Next year, in January, I will be getting married to my girlfriend, Hyeon An. We met on a blind date. You know what happens :). We had a very stiff meeting where she asked me questions about my job and my family, and how much money. You might not be surprised to learn that she is an elementary school teacher. i'm a doctor and she's a teacher. The perfect Korean fantasy or Paentashee. :).
Once we decided to get married, we became very busy. I often fought with her about the details of the wedding, but

we've decided to go to Guam for our honeymoon. Since my days of being single are ending soon, I am trying to meet many people and visit many places before our wedding. I am also thinking about the past too. I often think of you, especially when it is raining. I have travelled with Hyeon An, we went to Busan one weekend, but it was not the same as our trips together Hannah. My memories of us together before I went to US are some of the best in my life and now it feels like a dream. It's kind of strange that her name is Hyeon An. An is kind of similar to your name. Maybe when you read this letter, you might think we can never meet again, but I am still single and since you are still here in Daegu, we can always meet. Anytime you have time, please tell me. Maybe we can have dinner, or just a cup of coffee. If you want, we can go back to Karaoke. If you have time. Or whatever you want to do.
Hannah, I miss you a lot.
I hope you have time for me. YS
For months, I have had time for YS. For years even, I have had time for him. Every day I have had time for him and have waited for him. But not recently. In the last couple of months, since my Master's courses began, since that fateful night with Alan, things had been different. Now, that I was almost completely done with YS, he had to send me a letter. Exhausted after reading his letter, I start to cry. I lie in bed and bawl, but not because of him, but because

of all of the time I have wasted waiting for him. My tears take me into a deep sleep which lasts until evening. I wake up confused about what time it is and what day it is. When I realise that it's the first evening of the Chuseok holiday, and remember why I had slept, I don't know what to feel but it's not sadness. In a way, I feel relieved, content. I take a long evening walk. The river this time, is busy with families, groups of old people, couples out for walks. Everyone seems to be out. i walk up off of the river, down through some of the small streets in my neighborhood. Even after all of this time, I still haven't walked all of them. The streets are quiet. I walk past a woman walking her little dog. I imagine that this is his first time out of the apartment today. Many people proclaim that they are dog lovers, but they keep their pets locked up in cages or small rooms at home while they are out of the house. I'm not a dog lover myself, but this just kills me. Isympathise with them, having felt locked up myself for a large part of this year. Since I'm already part way there, I walk towards Gukchaeboseong park, where I had been many times with YS. One night, we had even made out on one of the shadowed benches, until someone came walking by. We had felt dangerous doing that, making out in public. I think about YS' letter and back to the last time we had seen each other, or spoken on the phone. I remember I had been walking home one night when he had called me, and I had turned him down from coming to see me. I wonder how long that letter had been sitting in my mailbox? As I sat on

the bench in the park, the same bench that we had made out on before, I texted him.
The next night, I put on jeans and a t-shirt. I didn't opt for any cute date dresses or my denim skirt or anything that I used to wear when we went out together. Just jeans and a t-shirt. I just could not be bothered to do anything special. It was probably going to get smokey from the bar or wherever we were going anyway. I wait at the Family Mart in front of the church, where he picked me up so many times before, for his white SUV to pull over. Right on time at 8pm, it does. I take a deep breath, smile, and run over to the vehicle, open the side door, and hop in the front seat. He reaches over to me for an awkward hug.
Hi Hannah.
Hello YS.
You look great.
Thanks. You too.
So where are we going?
Did you eat dinner?
Yes, thank you. Did you?
I'm fine. So how about coffee?
You know I'm always happy with coffee YS. Ok, great. I know where to go.
 
Except for his greeting, this conversation was actually in Korean, and switching to English, he expresses his disbelief at how much my Korean has improved. We return to the coffee shop where I met Dr. Kim, so long ago. I was afraid that he might be there to meet us again this time, but it seems that YS is thankfully unaccompanied. No one to protect her from me, like before. Is this because he is no longer worried about being with me? He's moved on enough that it doesn't bother him? Or is this for just the opposite reason, that he hasn't moved on at all, and wants to profess his ongoing love for me. As we park, I hope to myself that I will know the answer to these questions before the night is finished.
He grabs me an iced cafe latte, and an iced hot chocolate for himself. We discuss how we never noticed how silly the title iced hot chocolate is. YS gets to hear about my recent studies and that BYO is going well, and is still exactly the same as before. I spare him the details of Alan or any of the other men I used to meet, because that's just it, I used to meet them, I don't really anymore. I tell him that I still see MS at the coffee shop, and Mr. Kim at his studio in town, but that's about it. I tell him that I'm not sure what I'm going to do when this contract is up, but that I'm probably going to travel for awhile first, maybe to Malaysia and Indonesia or Australia and New Zealand, and then try to get a job in Japan maybe. I tell him that it depends on my studies, and that I might even go back home for a bit to finish a course or two. After more

discussion about my trip earlier this year, and how he's been finding his life as a doctor in Korea (not good in general), he asks if I have time to go somewhere else.
Where?
What do you think about going back to AU? I haven't been there in a really long time.
Ya, sure. Neither have I, I lied. The last time I had been there was just a few months ago, where I had met Jay (I smiled to myself).
I miss those days, he tells me as we are walking to the car. I wonder if he just reached to hold my hand? It seemed like it.
Yes, I was happy then too.
In the car, we are both silent. I still love him, I realise. Not how I used to, but I love what he once meant to me. He made me happy then. Actually, even now, he is still making me happy. I think I still want to be with him, to kiss him and hold his hand, and to spend time together doing whatever. We still get along better than anyone else I've met here in Korea but it's also here, on this quiet car ride to our old favorite place, that I accept, fully, that it is irreversibly over. I even love that he broke my heart.
Look, he says, pointing to all of the Chuseok lanterns in Gukchaeboseong park as we drove by. Remember those?
Of course.

Once we get to the bar, I wish that I had put on a low-cut top instead of my t-shirt, but too late to worry about that now. This time, instead of cuddling in a booth together, we hit the barstools again. To my surprise, YS orders two shots of something and downs them both.
You wanna have some whiskey? he asks me. Sure.
After a minute, we get an ice bucket and four tumblers. I'm wondering what's up with him. He downs his glass. Halfway through the second glass, he looks at me and smiles.
Oh,Hannah. You really do look great tonight. Thanks.
It's been hard without you, you know.
Oh?
I don't know. I just think about you a lot......you know, about what happened. about how things could be very different.... and now I'm getting married.
Ya, congratulations by the way.
Are you happy for me Hannah?
Are you happy, YS?
A long pause. He finishes the second glass. I'm sorry if I hurt you Hannah.

I say nothing. I'm very sorry. I'm sorry, too.
We sit in silence for awhile, sipping our drinks. YS pours me a second glass, and himself a third. I take a look around for the first time since coming inside. I had been so nervous about what was going to happen, what he was going to say, that I didn't even check out the scene. Down the other end of the bar, someone catches my eye. It's Jay! I smile.
I've gotta go to the restroom, I tell YS.
Hoping YS doesn't notice, I walk past Jay and whisper to him: It's an old friend, he's getting married soon, don't leave!
Jay nods and smiles.
When I get back to the table, YS has finished his third glass and has paid the bill. He looks at me:
I better be heading home, Hannah. I'll walk you out.
I leave my bag on the table, to indicate that I was still there (one of the great things about Korea, is that people don't steal in bars!), I gesture five to Jay, who nods and smiles again, and I follow YS out.

I walk YS down the end of the road to the firestation, where he hails a cab, telling me that he'll pick up his car the next day.
I don't really know what to say YS. Best wishes for your wedding.
Thanks Hannah. I'll never forget you.
He hugs me. Tighter than ever before. When he finally lets go of me, he mumbles goodbye and gets into the cab and as it drives off, I see him put his head in his hands. I stand there and watch it go down the street. Goodbye YS, I say to myself. The taxi turns left to take him back to the east end of town, back to his home and out of my sight.