Remember the Lanterns

Hee Seong

That evening, I attended a big party at Mr. Kim's photo studio and with my coworkers off on holidays or dates (Christmas was a couples day in Korea), I asked if Hee Seong wanted to spend Christmas with me. I was surprised, since we hadn't seen each other for a few weeks, but he agreed. When we met downtown the next day, at Angelina's coffee, I was surprised to see Dae gi, Danny, from basketball there. I hadn't seen him for awhile, because it had gotten too cold to play. Dae gi actually gave me a big hug when I appeared.
What can I get you?
Candy cane hot cocoa please. I thought that I may as well celebrate Christmas while I was there.
Why is he here? I asked Hee Seong. Hee Seong laughed.
What?
Nothing.
Why are you laughing?
I promised not to tell.
Promised who? not to tell what? Nobody. Nothing.
You and your secrets.
We had a nice time actually, the three of us. I had brought Santa hats, which I forced them to wear. We took some group photos together and walked through Gukchaeboseung's Christmas light display. It was fun, pretty and I was happy.

Dae gi eventually left, since he had to get home to his parents' place in the countryside, and Hee Seoung, as usual, wanted to take me out for drinks. I let him.
After a few drinks, this time cocktails, no soju, Hee Seong admitted that Dae gi loved me.
You are joking right? Ha ha ha.
No! It's true! Dae gi was so excited about seeing you today, we went to the bathhouse and he wouldn't shut up about it the whole time.
Strange.
Why strange?
I don't know. We are basketball friends.
I'm serious Hannah. Didn't you see that he wasn't wearing basketball clothes for once? He dressed up for you!
Actually, I had noticed that. He had been wearing a gorgeous argyle sweater with some nice pants and casual loafers. Actually, he had looked pretty great.
Hee Seong and I continued drinking. Choosing cocktails with more and more alcohol content at every round. And he eventually asked to come back to my place. Well actually, no he didn't. He eventually paid the tab at the bar and took me home. It was likely, as it often was, his intention to sleep with me that night, and I was in the same frame of mind, given that it was Christmas and we had had such a fun evening together. When he asked if he could stay over, rather than thinking about what he was thinking about, I thought about the fact that one of the better nights out I'd had in awhile wasn't yet going to end. Hee Seong, had, as he often did, tried to hold my hand on the way home. I never let him – it was one of my rules: only hold hands if he's your boyfriend. Hee Seong knew this rule, and it was like he thought that if he could grab my hand and hold it for awhile on the way home, that he would automatically become my boyfriend. It had become more obvious that this is what he wanted lately, and was perhaps part of the reason we hadn't see each other for the few weeks leading up to Christmas. Upon our arrival, I changed into pyjamas, brushed my teeth, washed my face, and climbed into bed. Merry Christmas Hee Seong, I mumbled.

Can I touch you? He asked me. I guess I didn't say no, because he came over and spread my legs and had me moaning in no time. It was always easy for him and it had been quite awhile since he'd done that to me.
Are we together? he asked. Like now? Obviously.
I mean, are you my girlfriend? I don't think so.
I kissed him on the forehead (I still couldn't stand kissing him on the mouth, because of the smoke), and went to the toilets to have a shower. Obviously not the response he was looking for.
If you want something more.... he said trying to resume the conversation when I had emerged several minutes later wet and clean.
Not really, I reply straight-forwardly. I'm pretty happy the way things are right now.
And actually, I was pretty happy. YS was still there in my mind, but not as prominently, I had made a new friend that I actually really liked and who had kept me busy enough to distract me such that I could go back to being my normal self. I hadn't seen him for awhile now, but what Hee Seong and I had was still working for me.
Well, Merry Christmas then. I love you, you know.
That week, his company was closed, and I had a few days off too (until the 29th). I hadn't made any plans for travelling or anything, and so Hee Seong
and I went back to spending a bunch of time together. We never slept together though, and I kept his hands away from me, and we never mentioned the fact that we used to do anything together. Actually, we had a good, relaxing few days: watching movies and TV, wandering into town for meals, going swimming. He even took me up Palgongsan, one of the local tourist attractions, and out for a barbeque duck meal nearby. Both were fantastic. I spent a long time that week talking with family at home too, and for the first time in a long time, I was happy to do so! I told them about the trip I had done by myself in early December, into a neighboring province, I told them about a new course I was developing at work, and nothing had a sad undertone like it used to, when I was hung up on YS. I even told them disdainfully, about how he had sent me birthday and Christmas presents, but

that nothing had come of them – I figured that he probably felt bad about what had happened, and was feeling lonely since it was couples time in Korea and that, without a date, Christmas isn't very Christmassy. I told the about the trip up the mountain and the bbq duck and they could tell that I was happy. They had news for me too – my brother had only a semester left until graduation, my sister had gotten a new job, and my other sister was doing well in her university program. My siblings were all terrible emailers, so I never got to hear much about them unless the parents updated me. Hee Seong would listen to me as I chatted with them, he also, could see how well I was doing. I told them about Hee Seong, while he was there, saying that I had made such a good new friend. I thought he would appreciate hearing that, but as soon as the call was over, he went quiet that afternoon. We both laid in bed, dozing in and out of sleep while some action movie
th
played in the background. Actually, it was the 28 , meaning that both he
and I were back to work the next day. We had spent basically the last four days together and it was finally time to address what he had said to me on Christmas, before we had passed out.
Hannah, you heard me right?
I feigned stupidity again. Heard you what? You heard what I said.
Heard what you said when?
The other night.
Probably.
What I said to you. On Christmas.
Merry Christmas?
Yes. After that.
The trouble was, I didn't want to go here with Hee Seong. We'd had fun, and it had been a few months since we'd started hanging out, but I was never going to be in love with him. He wanted my heart and he interpreted me playing stupid as bashfulness, but the truth was, there wasn't anything there beyond our friendship, and even then I had started to think that maybe I was using him for convenience. To keep me entertained and distracted and to kill time until I could leave the country at the end of my contract. I liked him though. I truly did like him, but I could not brig myself to love him no

matter how many times he endeared himself to me with his fingers. I of course was enjoying the time we spent together, and I always told him this, and I had depended on him before, and would continue to do so, for companionship. It was comfortable knowing I had such a good friend. But it was more than the just a small penis and the smoking; I would never be able to bring myself to love him.
He tried again, for the third and what I hoped would be the last time. Hannah, I want you to be my girlfriend because I love you.
I'm sorry Hee Seong. It's not like that for me.
We broke up then. After talking some more, he, after four days, went home, and I felt sorry, but just fine about things. I spend New Year's alone, and focus on how I can better myself this year, regain focus, start working towards something different, use the rest of my time in Korea effectively – there's not much time left now considering I started during the previous year's Chinese New Year, I now have just two months left until I'm finished my contract. And, while I'm lying there, wondering what I'll get up to this year, an idea finally comes to me: I'm going to get a Master's Degree. In the following weeks, I wondered if I had made a mistake with him. He was attractive, kind, thoughtful and he loved me. He even had other women that were chasing him – he had a decent, stable job and car after all. He was of marriageable age. But he didn't want it and he had given himself to me. I suppose I had been using him then. I hadn't seen it at first, but I was definitely getting more out of our relationship than he was. We kind of stay in touch, but not by hanging out and catching up, rather by sending each other one liner text messages once every so often. One day it hits me that I did the same thing to him that YS did to me. He knows I'm here, he knows I'm single, and just like I was for so long, he might even be waiting by the phone, jumping occasionally when he gets a text message.