Matteo

Part 5.

I guess talking with Lorenzo made some weight from my chest go away but my head was pounding.
I groaned remembering what i did with Matteo. Why am I making so much mistakes lately?
I've became so carefree and stupid.
I used to overthink everything, calculate every move and now I don't even recognize myself.

Matteo was long gone from his bed and I decided to go to my room.
Groaning again, i let myself fall down to the bed.
I stay there another 2 hours, scolding myself.

I got up and went to the bathroom doing my normal morning routine. Downstairs was chaos. People trying to finish everything for tonight.
I go to the backyard and see Sophia and Jennifer tanning beside the pool.

'Here's my girl' Sophia said sitting up.
'my head is a mess' I say sitting next to her.
'Why? Did anything happen?' She asked worried
'Just some cheap wine.' I give her a sloppy grin.
' anyways, did you find a dress for tonight?' i ask her and she squeaks.
'Yes! It's so pretty, I'll show you later' she says all excited.

'what are you wearing?' Jen asked me.
'i don't even know if I'll be there' I say
'you're going to be there. I'll drag you myself' Sophia says.

Then I heard Matteo calling my name.
He was standing at the back door.

'see you later' I say standing up and walking to Matteo.

'where were you yesterday?' He asks and I roll my eyes
'in the town' I say
'right!meeting your sister again even though I clearly said you're not allowed to' He says and I just stood there feeling like I'm going to throw up anytime now.
'you meet with her one more time, you'll not be able to leave this house anymore' He says.
This asshole!

I know my limits with Matteo, he may have a soft spot for me, but that doesn't change the fact he would do harm to me. He already has, numerous times and he's not very merciful.
'Okay'
'Don't be late tonight, I want you by my side' He says putting a strand of my hair behind my ear.
'i really don't want your little girlfriend spilling anything on me again, Matteo. I don't feel like being here tonight. I ask for your permission not to attend tonight ' i say truthfully feeling bad.

'I really don't give a shit, you will be here and on time like a good girl you are' he says, his voice full of authority.

'as you say, don' i say and try to walk away but he takes me by my arm, stopping me.

'is there a problem? Huh?' He asks, getting really pissed.
'No'

I would usually stand up for myself, like every time, even though i get punished, but as seconds passed I felt more and more awful.

He let's go and murmurs Italian swear words, walking away.

First thing I did, is call Leyla. I told her she can't come, because honestly, if anything happened, and it certainly would, i couldn't defend her.
I'm feeling weak and Matteo is awful today.
Then i got ready for the party.
Knowing I won't be able to handle it easily, I took some coke and speed.
Sometimes I really hate myself. Most of the time.
When i walked down, everyone was already there. Fuck, I'm late.

I walk over to Matteo steadily even though everything is spinning.

I find Matteo with my eyes and he was already looking at me. Staring, actually.
He's still mad. I know I disobeyed him, but he knows I won't ever betray him. He should have some trust in me.

I did my part, greeted everyone, chatted with some and then I walked to Matteo.
'You're late' He states.
'Fashionably' i reply, looking straight in front of myself.
'That dress is too short to be considered fashion. Even that slut Rosalyn is looking more decent that you' he says, giving me a dirty look.
I feel dirty.
'Are you saying I look slutty?' I ask him, feeling really hurt by his words.

He knows I've never kissed anyone but him, let alone slept with someone and the dress isn't even that short,and yet! He still calls me slutty.

'You certainly look like one and last night you behaved like one. If you really want me to fuck you, you just have to say it, bambi'
What the fuck has gotten into him? He's never disrespected me like that.
We always had fights about me disobeying him and talking back but this? It's a first and the worst thing is that I let it affect me.
Stupid me!
I stayed silent because I feared my voice cracking if I spoke.
I don't know why is he like this, all I know that I feel really sick.
I know Matteo isn't nice to anyone, especially if he's in a bad mood but i didn't expect this.

'May I be excused?' I ask and he nods.

I find Anna and Sophia dancing and I approach them.
'you two look beautiful' I tell them and they hug me.
'You certainly look gorgeous' Anna says checking me out.
'Be honest, is this dress slutty?' I ask them
'Where does that come from? The dress is beautiful' Sophia says, giving me warm smile
'Matteo says I look like a slut and even Rosalyn looks more decent' I say and their eyes go wide
'why would he say stuff like that?' Anna asks, her eyebrows scrunching.
'I don't know, he's in a bad mood and he just keeps picking on me' I groan
'You need a drink, come on' they take me to the bar and we had a few drinks. Certainly, alcohol does help.

'He's coming and he looks angry' Anna notified me
'Go' I tell them. They don't have to deal with him but I have and that's a consequence of getting too close to him.

'Dance with me' He says and I nod, obeying him because I didn't want to be insulted again.

'I'm sorry' he says and I nod again,not even looking at him.
'Say something for fuck sake! Show me how you feel for once' he says, annoyance clear in his voice.
'i hate you' I say making an eye contact with him.
'no you don't. You're lost again after whole thing with Lorenzo and Tobi. ' he huffs. I just stay silent.
'You let your guard down. You relaxed, you gave yourself a luxury to be vulnerable, not just to me but to everyone. You need to get yourself together, stop being fucked up' He says and that was that for me.
A tear run down my face.

'And you know why I never let you kill Rico? Because I knew that you would kill the last part od yourself when you killed him. Because I can not stand to see no life in your eyes' He says, gripping my waist hard, to the point of pain.
'I was okay with dying . But you weren't. so you were selfish and kept me away from the only thing I wanted in this life.' I spit out and a pinch of hurt flashed through his eyes
'How could I be okay with that?' He asks me, loosening his grip on me, his eyes softening.

'Don't. Don't give yourself a luxury to care. Don't be vulnerable' I say and walk away from him even though all I wanted was to be in his arms.
I go to the back room where I, alongside my teammates get lost in drugs and alcohol.

My dad would hate me. I should have made him proud, be the better person. But I'm not, and he would hate to see what i had become.

honestly, Matteo was right. I died when I killed Rico. It was only a step lower.
Hatered towards him was the only thing driving me. What do I do now, except destroy myself even more?

But the thing that hurt the most, was the thought of loosing my biggest support, my safe place. I don't know if I can take loosing Matteo, i don't want to find out.

And I couldn't help but feel that he was slipping through my fingers.