I'll Be Good || Jim Carroll

Chapter 6: Alone

I quietly left my apartment as my parents were too busy arguing to notice. Ever since we had moved they had started yelling at each other all the time. I hated it, but made sure not to mention it to Jim. Although I'm pretty sure he knew something was up, since we never went out as a family anymore. I was excited to witness his basketball game, cheering enthusiastically as his team ran out onto the court. I could tell that something was off about Mickey though, since his head was lulling a bit. Jim also seemed a bit different, and I feared that his drug use had finally gone too far. The game was awful, the minutes agonizing as Jim and Mickey tripped over each other, me sitting next to Pedro who secured a clipboard in his hands. I was sure Jim would get the easy shot that was given to him at the very end, but the ball bounced just a few feet from the hoop. It was a pitiful loss, but all I could do was wait for Jim outside the school. I jumped when he stormed through the heavy door, Mickey close by as I followed them. In a short amount of time we were seated on steps outdoors, the two boys securing cigarettes between their lips.

"We got kicked out of the school, Mickey," Jim told his friend, his speech a bit slowed from the drugs.

"What happened," I quietly asked placing my hands beneath my thighs to warm them.

"Mickey, Pedro, and I took some pills. I took the pink ones because I associate those with light. The black and red ones looked they would knock us out on our ass."

"That still sort of happened," I cautiously pointed out.

Jim gazed into the distance as he simply let his cigarette rest in his mouth. "We can't play basketball anymore..."

"I'm sorry," I sympathized, gently touching Jim's knee as Mickey just dully stared at us. "Is there anything I could do to help you feel better?"

"Better take this opportunity, Jim," Mickey teased, blowing a cloud of smoke into the pollution filled air.

"I need some money. Just a couple of bucks. I'm a little short."

"Jim... You know I don't have that much money. I only get like 5 dollars for my allowance."

"I know. I promise I'll pay you back," he claimed, his high still lingering as I sighed, fishing around my purse for a crisp five dollar bill.

"Keep the change," I whispered, Jim taking it as he pressed his lips together in an awkward smile, the cancer stick still in place.

"Thanks, Zoe." He gave me a short side hug as I stared at my feet.

I felt terrible that evening when I discovered the reason my parents were fighting so badly was due to the lack of money we had. I needed to find a way to help out, but every job I applied for hired someone else. I ended up on the steps leading to my building one night, probably not a wise decision being alone in New York City.

"Hey... you a friend of Jim's," questioned a girl with dark hair parted in the middle. She was kind of swaying as her speech was slightly off.

"Yeah," I simply answered.

"Why are you so down? It's Saturday night. Don't you have a party or somewhere to get to?"

"No, and I'm just frustrated because I can't get a job anywhere."

"Hey, I feel ya. I can't find shit nowhere. I found a way to make money though."

"Really? What is it," I innocently asked, gazing up at her.

"Come on, honey, I can help you get your first customer."

I didn't even know that my mom had left my dad that same night. It was a curse and also a blessing in disguise, since they didn't notice I was missing until morning. I fluttered my eyes open in the darkened room from the drawn shades, puzzled when I felt something lightweight fall onto my stomach.

"Thanks for last night," spoke a male voice, me squinting at the boy with floppy, sandy hair Diane had found me. I silently nodded as every inch of my skin was crawling in disgust, tears pricking at my eyes as I shakily counted the money, 30 bucks in my hands. "I have to go out, but you can stay as long as you want. Lock up when you leave."

After the front door clicked shut I completely broke down, clutching the filthy bills in my fist as I sobbed into my folded up knees. How did it come to this? What happened to me? The sad part was despite how disgusting it was I had enjoyed it in the moment. And to be honest it was a great distraction from all of the other horrible stuff going on. I never knew it could feel like that, maybe it was utter lust, but it still was pleasurable. I groaned since I was a bit sore, grateful that guy couldn't tell it was my first time doing that ever, not just the profession. I finally left as the shame gnawed on me, but then Diane's words echoed from the previous evening.

"Don't worry, honey. It's tough the first time, but then it gets easier. You just got to remember the money it gives. You're gonna do so well, because you're gorgeous."

JIM'S POV:

Did I ever tell you about the first time I did heroin? I was just gonna sniff a bag but one guy says if you're gonna sniff you might as well pop it, and another guys says if you gonna pop it you might as well mainline. I was scared of needles, but I gave in. It was like a long heatwave through my body. Any ache or pain or sadness or guilty feeling was completely flushed out. They were beautiful fragments that were terrible dreams.

I ended up getting sick like crazy in the toilet one night as my mom cried over how I wasn't acting like myself.

"I was such a good little boy, right? With such potential, wasn't that it," I asked her. Needless to say I said some pretty shitty things to her and ended up leaving the house. I don't know why but all I wanted to do was see Zoe at least one last time before I left, despite how my body was desperate to find more heroin fast. I was completely out of it as she jumped when I fell through her window. Despite the circumstances I could see through the haze she was visibly upset. "What's wrong, Zoe?" I touched her shoulder as I leaned into her from the side, causing her to flinch. She had never reacted that way before, causing me to furrow my eyebrows in confusion.

"My mom left," she whispered.

"Oh fuck," I dramatically said, leaning my head against her headboard as I stared up at the ceiling. "That sucks... That really sucks that bitch left..."

"What? Why would you call her that? I mean, what she did was jerky, but she's still my mom. I mean, she might come back soon. She's never left before."

"I have to leave my house," I commented, only partly focusing on Zoe's conversation. I swallowed as I almost foamed at the mouth, breathing heavily. "My mom can't take me getting sick in our toilet, even though she cleans them for a fucking living."

"Why are you acting like this? This isn't like you."

"You sound just like her," I snapped, my speech slowed as my brain struggled to keep up. "I'm leaving tonight to get more stuff..."

"What do you mean more stuff? Jim... what's that on your arm?"

"Don't fucking touch it!" I glared harshly at her as she nearly touched my needle marks.

"I'm sorry," she whispered.

"Have you been cheating one me," I snapped.

"What do you mean...?"

I didn't let her finish as I touched the new hickey on her neck. "Fuck, I've gotta get out of here. Do you have any money?"

ZOE'S POV:

"No, Jim."

"You're lying. Give me some fucking money, please," he softly said on the end, scaring me as he seemed desperate. When he began putting his hands in my pants pockets, I caved and gave him a 10 dollar bill within reach on my nightstand.

"Thanks, you're a real friend...," he slurred before disappearing into the streets. I cried after he left, hurting worse than before as I truly felt alone.

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