I'll Be Good || Jim Carroll

Chapter 8: The Truth

I sat in the audience as Jim did his speech in front of the group.

"Know this. There's different types of users of junk. You got your rich dilettante square-ass who dabbles now and then and always has enough money to run off to the Riviera if he feels he's fucking around to the danger point. Street junkies hate these pricks, but they're always suckers, and their money makes them tolerable. Then you got your upper-middle-class Westchester preppies... same as the others, basically. What they're good for is opening their mommy and daddy's eyes to this social virus and putting pressure on the government to do something about it. Then there's us street kids. Start fucking around very young, 13 or so. We think we all got it under control and won't get strung out. This rarely works. I'm living proof. But in the end, you just got to see the junk as another 9-to-5 gig. The hours are just a bit more inclined to shadows."

Everyone clapped for him as he flicked his longer bangs to the side, looking just as gorgeous in his new hairstyle. Afterwards I cautiously went up to him. This was the first time we had been in person before each other, since he begged me for money outside my door. He had just knocked and left an invitation for the gig tonight.

"Hey," I softly spoke, tucking a strand of my curly hair behind my ear.

"Hey, Zoe...," Jim reacted just as quietly, his blue eyes holding a hint of a sparkle I hadn't seen in ages.

"I'm really glad you're back now. That everything's okay. I mean, how are you doing really?"

"I'm managing," he shrugged. Although he was acting more normal there was an obvious wall blocking much emotion.

I nodded as I felt my fingers trying to place a curl behind my ear again. "Would you-would you want to come over tonight? You know, talk for a bit? Catch up? I've really missed you." I flickered my hazel orbs up to his as he half smiled extra faintly.

"Sure, Zoe," he agreed, hope entering my heart for a moment.

Later that evening we were both just lying on my bed, silence filling every space of the room.

"I know I keep asking, but are you doing okay, Jim? I just, I just feel like something's wrong."

He released a sigh as he stared at his hands. "I still want it. I hate that I do, but I still crave it." His blue eyes raised to mine as I gave him a sad smile.

"I know...," I said barely audible, him knitting his eyebrows together in confusion.

"What do you mean, Zoe?" I guess he could detect I was relating to him a bit too much.

"I did some bad stuff too. I... I sold my body for money." I buried my face in my folded up knees as I felt ashamed and embarrassed. "And the worst part is I liked it. It helped me to forget about everything that was going on, and sometimes..." I choked back a sob as I pressed my eyelids against my knees more. "Sometimes I want it again, even though I don't want it like that. I just got used to the feeling... The high it gave. I know it's nothing like drugs, and I know I'm not physically dependent on it, but I'm kind of mentally dependent on it, you know?" I chanced to peek over at Jim as he just stared at me, seeming unsure how to react. "I know how you feel about people like that. I saw the way you treated Diane. I understand if you're judging me right now. I probably deserve it."

Jim then tilted his head downwards to connect his lips with mine, giving me a simple peck before I was chewing on my lower lip. "I just wanted to help you feel better," he told me, tears silently cascading down my cheeks as our old life together flashed through my mind.

"Jim... I know we never talked about it, but what are we exactly? Are we just friends, or are we something more?" My heart thudded as I feared what his reaction might be.

He didn't utter a word at first, not helping to ease my worries. "I don't know, Zoe. I've gone through a lot of shit lately. I've always liked you, but... I just don't know if now is a good time for us."

I nodded as I turned my head to study my sock covered feet, not realizing how much I wanted a different answer. "That's okay. I'm just happy to be your friend, Jim." I hesitantly looked over at him as I failed at making myself composed.

I felt Jim carefully caress my face before kissing me properly, deepening it as he swiped his tongue across my bottom lip. I allowed him inside as I felt the tender way his tongue caressed my own, feeling stupid for thinking anything else was great. I had never been kissed with this much love pouring forth, and it made me dizzy and lightheaded in the most beautiful way. After he pulled away he forced a weak smile as I did the same, despite the lost butterflies erupting in my tummy.

"Maybe we can just take things slow. I don't think we've ever been just friends, Zoe. I think it's time we admitted the truth." He gently joined his hand with mine as the corners of my mouth naturally twitched upwards.

"I love you, Jim. I meant, at least as a friend."

"I love you too, Zoe. I think in time I could fall for you."

I laughed a tiny bit as the joy bubbled from within me, wrapping Jim up in a warm hug as he comfortingly rubbed my back. I finally felt whole again as though all of the broken pieces were magically flying back together.

A/N: Hey guys, I hope you liked this chapter. Please remember to comment, vote, and follow. Thank you so much! <3