I'll Be Good || Jim Carroll

Chapter 7: The Hardest Thing I Ever Had to Do

It was one of the worst Winters of my life with beautiful ice crystals that seemed to penetrate my heart. My best friend in the entire universe was gone, and I had no idea if he was even still alive. My writing had suffered going from the whimsical positivity the world needed to dark depression I didn't even recognize. I was losing myself, but I couldn't stop. I was becoming addicted to these wrong feelings that made a temporary escape. All of those years of being a pure, little girl washed down the drain as I lost count of how many bodies that had claimed me. At first it made me sick to my stomach, but then it gradually just felt normal. It was as though I wasn't fazed by it anymore, and my dad had no clue. He was working incredibly hard at his decent job he had finally secured. Even though we didn't need the extra cash anymore it kept piling up, and I stored it in my drawer beneath my socks, hoping he would never find it. I was up to maybe around $1,000, but it was tainted money. I never spent a cent of it unless I had to, and my schoolwork was a joke. I had gone from being a straight A student to on the verge of having to repeat a grade. It was odd how I felt numb yet everything could hurt at the same time. Skyrocketing anxiety soared up to the stars, and I wondered if Jim was seeing them too. I missed him more than I could bear. I remembered at the start of January we had gotten a huge snowstorm, but I was desperate to get a few customers in. I trudged through that treacherous blanket of white and returned with almost $100. My dad was scanning over the newspaper at the kitchen table as I breezed past straight for the bathroom. I was going to get in a quick shower before supper. I flipped the light switch and proceeded in washing my face, but when I patted it dry, my dull hazel eyes locked on their reflection. I frowned as I noticed the dark bags under my eyes and how my skin was almost as pale as a ghost. My hair was ratty and when I took off my clothes, I stared at the harmless bruises from when things got a bit rough. There were multiple marks on my neck like they were a decoration of blotches. I shakily took out my tiny, bird silver earrings, choking back a sob as I broke down in front of the mirror. What was I doing to myself? How had I gotten so unhealthy? Why had I sold my body for far less than it could ever be worth? I didn't even bother with the shower, throwing my outfit back on as I shakily went into the kitchen.

"Dad?" He looked up the minute he heard my small voice, my arms wrapped snuggly around me. "I have something I need to tell you."

"What is it, kitten," he soothingly asked, stroking my hair as I sat on his lap as I had done as a child. That's when I shattered into a mess of tears, confessing all of my hidden secrets, fearing that he would hate me after this. When I had finished though tears were in his eyes as he caressed the back of my head, and then he pulled me into another hug as for the first time I didn't feel so alone.

JIM'S POV:

And the voice is always there in the back of your head. Just one more time, then we'll stop. It's like a dream. You can't stop dreams, and suddenly you're capable of anything.

Being on my own had been hell, and it was even more difficult to find money to get more drugs. I reached my ultimate low though when a guy threw me down a flight of stairs, ending up bleeding as I lied frozen stiff in the snow outside after leaving the place. Reggie saved me, but I wasn't very grateful at first, since I was just beyond pissed that he flushed my remaining stash of drugs down his toilet. He forced me to look in the mirror at myself, and despite my cries for more heroin, I partially saw what he meant through my haze. It was agonizing when he made me quit cold turkey, my body shaking and writhing in pain on a couch. I kept crying and yelling for him to give me something, but all he did was make sure I didn't escape.

"I just need a taste." I gritted my teeth as I ached all over, pain surging through my veins, my stomach cramping as I lost my mind. I kept trying to crawl past Reggie, but it was no use, and eventually I just went up to him to have someone to hold onto. I really thought I was going to die, that the pain had finally reached the unbearable point as I thrashed around the small room, knocking over a radio. Everything stopped for a moment as the station filled with static roared to life.

"Just listen to the music of the traffic in the city

Linger on the sidewalk where the neon signs are pretty

How can you lose?

The lights are much brighter there

You can forget all your troubles, forget all your cares

So go downtown

Things will be great when you're downtown

No finer place for sure, downtown

Everything's waiting for you"

"Zoe," I barely whispered, a fat tear slipping past my eye as for the first time in weeks I was crying over something other than drugs. It was almost like I temporarily forgot my addiction as the melody kept flowing, and somehow that emotional drain of losing my best friend made everything else stop for awhile.

That dark time faded and I was sober enough that I wasn't acting high. In the back of my mind though all I wanted was more, despite the agony I had just endured to quit. Reggie promised he would be back the next day as I stayed in his home. At first I thought things were going to be fine, but as the ticking of the clock took over the room and I couldn't bring myself to write anything in my notebook, I decided I was going to break out of there and find money. I had a bunch of failed attempts, annoyed that even the local prostitute Diane appeared to have her life together. She wouldn't even spare me a dollar as she tossed coins on the sidewalk for me. I thought about going to my mom, but then as the neon lights flickered above me, I had a better idea. I knew someone who had never told me no, and had given me cash back when I was only struggling with cocaine.

ZOE'S POV:

My dad wasn't home from work yet when I freaked out from a banging on our front door.

"Zoe? Open up, it's me," slurred a familiar voice. My heart stopped as I forced myself to use common sense, securing the chain up top so that he couldn't enter the door even if I opened it a bit. "Hi, Zoe," he spoke when there was a gap in the frame, but I was staying on the other side of the wood, only getting a glimpse of him in a beanie cap. "I need some money. Maybe like 5..." He breathed in deeply as he sounded stuffed up. "20 dollars."

"I missed you, Jim, but I can't...," I sighed. This was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. I had just gotten my life together again, and my best friend back, only this wasn't truly who he was.

"What do you mean? I'm sorry that I just left you here... Can you hold my hand?"

"Yeah, I'll hold your hand," I responded, grasping his cold fingers as my eyes grew misty.

"Please, give me some money, Zoe. You've always been there for me."

"I'm sorry, but I just can't, Jim..."

"Give me the fucking money! Please! Zoe!" I suddenly forced the door closed as I could tell he was trying to burst into the room. I leaned against it as my heart raced, forced to listen to Jim's cries on the opposite side. "Please! I'll do anything! I'll be a good boy! How could you do this? You fucking bitch!" He then was just crying out loudly as the sound was almost drowned by my muted hearing and fresh tears. I knew I had to call someone, and it was the hardest thing I ever had to do, my heart breaking in a million pieces as I listened to Jim and the effects drugs had had on him.

A/N: Hey guys, sorry this was such a sad chapter.  I wanted to get through this, because I want to focus on Zoe and Jim's life together after he quits drugs. I literally almost cried while writing the part where he asks her to hold his hand. That moment in the movie kills me when he does that with his mom. I can't imagine how difficult that would be for his mom to go through. Anyway, please remember to comment, vote, and follow. Thank you! <3