"Jun, have you seen my sage green skirt th─" she doesn't continue her sentence when she sees her brother curled into a ball on the kitchen floor with a couple bottles of soju beside him. "Why are you drinking on a school night?"
"Because I want to," he answers rather childishly as he looks up at her through the strands of hair that is covering his eyes. She knows he isn't sober from the way he is slurring his words. "Shouldn't you be asleep? It's way past your bed time."
"First of all, it's seven in the evening," she rolls her eyes and picks up the empty bottles beside him. "Second, I'm not a child anymore, I'm turning nineteen soon. Third, I've been turning my room upside down just to find my favorite skirt that I haven't worn since twelfth grade."
"Why would you turn your room upside down?" He asks with a frown, not understanding the metaphor. "Your furniture would fall."
"I meant tha─nevermind, your drunk ass wouldn't get my explanation." A sigh leaves her lips as she stands up straight and drags herself to the balcony where they store their empty bottles until garbage day. When she gets back inside, he is downing his third. "Jun, you've already had too much. You're gonna get a terrible headache when you wake up tomorrow and complain nonstop. And might I remind you, it's a school night...!"
He doesn't stop though. She sighs once more and crouches to his eye level, trying to ask him the reason why he is drowning himself in alcohol, worry evident in her tone and on her face. He would drink excessively only on bad days. He keeps his head low and doesn't let a single word out, refusing to look her in the eyes.
"If you don't tell me what's wrong, then how will I help you?" Her tone is softer than how she had just spoken to him earlier, knowing the chance he opens up is high if she doesn't speak with aggression. But he remains silent. "You never open up to me anymore. Please talk to me, gēge."
Hearing her call him that always makes him soft. She watches with pursed brows as he bursts into tears and immediately engulfs him in a hug. She has never seen him cry before, always wanting to appear as a strong older brother. But even the strongest have their weakest moments.
"What's wrong, gēge?" She inquires, still with the same soft tone. "You can tell me instead of keeping it to yourself. It's obviously taking a toll on you."
"Mom called me this afternoon." He mutters, hiccuping before he can continue. She pats his back and patiently waits, curious as to why their mom called. "I feel so sorry for her. She's still not over her and dad's divorce and blames herself so much for it. I know she loves dad so much, but he's still blinded by anger, even if it's been almost two decades. She deserves to be happy."
As she listens to him tell her how their mom is wallowing in self pity for what she did years ago, she doesn't feel even a twinge of sympathy. She doesn't really know what to feel. But just like Renjun's dad, she is also blinded by her anger to even care for the woman who birthed her.
"It was her fault and she has to face the consequences." She says rather bluntly.
He goes silent, obviously not agreeing with what she said as he is on their mom's side. The negative things he hears about her are always blocked out and ignored. He will always defend her, even if it is against the whole world.
"It's not her fault─"
"Yes, it is, gēge!" She immediately cuts him off, already knowing what he is going to say. "God, why do you always defend our sorry excuse of a mother like your life depends on it? She's obviously the bad person in this situation, she always has been. Yet she acts like the victim and you always fall for it. Everyone but you can see she's a manipulative bitch─"
"It's your fault why my parents broke up. If you weren't born then maybe they would still be together." The words roll off his tongue before he can even think about it. Regret washes over him when he sees hurt flash in her eyes. "Shit─I didn't mean─"
"Did I ask to be born?" She scoffs out a laugh, her eyes stinging. "Blame mom for cheating on your dad, not me. The divorce is her fault and so is my dad's death. It's all her fucking fault."
Before he can say anything more, she agressively wipes her tears away and bolts out of the apartment. She runs and runs and runs until she can't anymore. Everything is blurry to her as the tears that keep pooling in her eyes make it hard for her to see clearly. She doesn't know if she is on the sidewalk or on the busy road, but she doesn't care at this moment even if a truck runs her over.
Inevitably, the strength in her legs gives up and she falls to her knees as she lets out the most painful, guttural cry she's been keeping in for God knows how long. She lets herself feel the pain she has been bottling up. It envelops her in a hug and tells her it's okay to feel like this in a whisper. So, she lets herself embrace the pain.
Her heart feels like it is breaking, shattering in an agonizingly slow pace. It isn't a good feeling at all, but she feels like a weight has been lifted off her chest when she lets it all out. The last time she cried was to mourn over the death of her father and she hadn't again ever since. She thought that making herself numb would make her strong, but she doesn't know she is only making herself weaker by not letting herself feel natural human emotions.
The pain is unbearable, and she terribly needs a shoulder to cry on. She reaches for her phone in her back pocket and presses the only contact on her speed dial, Donghyuck. It only keeps ringing and ringing until it reaches to voicemail. He usually picks up in an instant, but he doesn't this time. At this point, she doesn't care anymore and just wants some company no matter who it is.
"Dahee?" His voice is raspier and deeper than usual.
"Hey Jisung," she tries her best not to make her voice waver. "Did I─did I wake you up?"
"Yeah, but it's fine," he says and the line crackles. "What's wrong? You sound like... you've been crying."
"Can you please come to─" she pauses to look around when she realizes she doesn't even know where her feet lead her to. "I'm near the Han River. Can you come here? I really need someone right now."
"I'll be there right away." He promises and the loud beep resounds in her ear as the call ends.
She wipes the snot off her face with her sweater sleeve and stands up with wobbly knees that feel like jelly, waddling over to sit at one of the benches. After letting it all out, she still feels like there are more tears that wants to come out. And come out they did. She starts crying again, only a few stray tears at first, but it soon turns into a waterfall of salty body liquid. Her shoulders shake violently as she is hunched over, trying not to let a sound out.
Another guttural cry escapes her mouth and she muffles it with her sweater sleeve and swallows the sobs arising from her throat. She wants to scream all her pain away, but she fears that she wouldn't be able to make a sound again for the rest of her life if she does. It's so, so painful; she doesn't know what to do about it.
"Dahee?"
The familiar gravelly voice makes her cries halt, the stream of tears trickling down her cheeks coming to an abrupt stop. She slowly looks up at him and, even though most of her hair is covering her face, he still manages to see how swollen and red her eyes are and the blood that is oozing out of her lower lip from her biting down on it to prevent any sounds to come out.
He immediately wraps his arms around her in a comforting hug, rubbing her back in a soothing manner. "What's wrong?" He asks softly, the tone he spoke to her in reminding her of how she had comforted her brother before the harsh words were uttered.
"Just..." she trails off and can't help but let out another sob. Both her hands tightly grip the polyester material of his jacket as she buries her face further into his chest. "Please just hold me."
"Okay," he murmurs. "I'll hold you as long as you want."
