Bereaved-boyxboy

.i. : the flower

        Picture a flower in the spring, it begins to bloom after a long and harsh winter. Sprouting from the ground fresh flourishing until it's full of light. The petals are bright and delicate to the touch, standing tall over all the other flowers making them stand out. It stays tall all through Spring, but soon a little girl sees the flower. Thinking it's the most exquisite flower she's ever seen. The girl kneels down in front of the flower and plucks it from its stem. She curls the flower against her chest protecting it from the wind that howls at the loss of the field's treasure. She returns home and places the flower in an empty vase. As time goes on, the flower begins to die from the lack of water and sunlight. It begins to sag and wilt, leaning to the side as if its petals have become shackles. The petals begin to fall to the ground as the flower begins to release its burden weight. The little girl cries to her mother, clinging onto her shirt begging her to save the once beautiful flower, but there is nothing the mother can do. As the girl is away she goes and buys a new flower and plucks the dead flower from the vase and places the new one inside as if it had never died.

I think flowers represent love, in an odd way. At first, if you love someone, your love is strong and bold, surviving heartbreaks and possible rejections, over time you always find a way to bloom afterward. But if your love is plucked away and isn't treated right, then your love will wither, it's hard to love again after that. I keep making the comparison and even my therapist agrees that it's a beautiful way to think about love. Sometimes, when I think about him, I think about the flower and how great he treated me.

「Bereaved」

I had been preparing dinner for me and him, when I got the phone call, he had been working hard and I wanted to reward him. Kaiden was a college professor causing him to have no time to cook his meals, so before I went to work I made them for him. He always loved mac n' cheese so I had decided to cook that and fish sticks. I remember I was draining the noodles and listening to the cop on the other line talk. I can hear the cop now, his voice always echoes in my ears when I'm alone.

' He didn't make it.. '

I had dropped the pot and the burning hot noodles went everywhere, landing on my bare feet. But I couldn't feel it, after he said those four words it was as if my whole world had stopped and begun to crack. At that moment the world went quiet, the only noise I could hear was my own heart pounding in my chest blaring in my ears. My throat closed up, making it nearly impossible to breathe, my lungs had gasped and begged me for air. My tears that slid down my cheeks had felt like acid against my skin, I had remembered the night so perfectly. Constantly replaying it in my dreams. The happy memories of him and I turned into sad ones, memories that were special to me.

The funeral was even worse, my friends had joined me, knowing well that it was harder for me than most people there. I was encouraged to go see his body, but I couldn't, every time I thought about seeing him I wanted to break down into sobs. But, near the end of the funeral, I had made my resolve, that I needed to see him. For the final time, I needed to get his face tattooed into my brain. I had gulped down my fears and had made my way towards his body.

Staring down at his face made me mad in a way, he was usually so happy but now his face was blank. Although...He looked peaceful...I had held his hand, his hands that use to hold mine, his hands that picked me up and twirled me around. Both of our laughs lacing together to make perfect harmony. But no longer would they do that again, I squeezed it hoping to feel his warmth once more but was met with no response but the cold feel of his hand in mine, I had broken down again, clinging onto his body and begging him to come back. I could feel everyone's stares burning into my back pitying me but I didn't need their pity. I needed Kaiden. I needed Kaiden Ander's, the man I fell in love with. The man I was going to marry, the man that I was going to have a family with.