Just Feelings

1

So, like I said, these are just feelings. Just a diary. No extremely proper grammar, so for now, screw you Grammarly.

Ah, now that Grammarly is off and I have my cat laying on my arm, I suppose I can start.

Another heads up, this will be all over the place. No same thought will probably last more than a few sentences. :)

Hm, where to start?

A lot of my friends say that I reject my depression. I still find it impossible to believe I even have depression or suicidal thoughts. Yeah, I hate myself. Yeah, I think I'm not good enough. Yeah, I hate a bunch of people around me. Something that I don't like about my mom is she yells at me a lot for forgetting. Forgetting may sound simple and happens to people every now and then, but I forget a lot. I forget my daily routine sometimes, and yes believe it or not, I have one. I forget my chores, things I'm told to do a few seconds prior, everything. I forget my friends sometimes and this becomes a big problem. Especially with my sister and I's roleplays. She has a better memory than me, so, she can remember, sometimes. Kassie (not-at-all-related-sister) thinks that it's a really big issue. Says it's unhealthy and I should go to the doctor for it. She said something earlier today about maladaptive daydreaming I think it was. Causes forgetfulness and begins from depression. Like, living in an alternate reality just seems so much better and less boring than your own so you escape your own and end up daydreaming more than you live. Hell, sometimes I even end up forgetting to eat and use the bathroom. I wish I was lying about that. Now all of you can give me negative comments about that and say I'm lying, but like I said, I wish I was lying about that. I get so caught up in a fantasy reality whether it's videogames or anime, I just... don't feel the stomach pain of not eating so I just am able to push it off that easily and once I get past the stomach pain, I don't feel hungry and the mention of food just... goes in one ear and out the other. It doesn't bother me, I'd rather get caught up in my dream reality than actually live normally in my own. Y'know, I read somewhere that a big sign of depression is losing interest in things you normally would love. I always thought I wasn't depressed because I loved and cherished videogames and never got bored of them. I still refuse to believe I'm mentally ill at all, but... any videogame just bores me in the span of 10 minutes. I haven't wanted to roleplay with my sister at all this month and it just... doesn't seem appealing. Even writing is getting... boring. I've always loved writing. And I used to enjoy gym a lot more than I do now. Not to mention for the past week or two, or really, all this month so far, I just want to be left alone, sitting in my bed, curled up in blankets, and doing nothing. I just want to lay there and rot away. Be forgotten. Maybe I would be less of a burden on others. Maybe, my parents would have more money. Maybe my actual sister that may or may not be reading this wouldn't have to worry about her stupid little sister. Maybe the mirror on my wall wouldn't have to stare at this rotten and torn apart girl every morning.

Maybe the world would just... be the same. Would anything really change without me? Maybe my parents would still be together. Maybe my dad wouldn't have had to move away from Canada. Maybe everything would be okay. Maybe Kassie wouldn't be in such a bad headspace. Maybe all my friends would be better off without me, in their own friend group. Is this self doubt? Low self esteem? The knowledge of wanting to kill yourself? I had a plan once. Never went through with it. Most people thought it was my family who stopped me. Nope. Well, I would consider her family. But right now, there's only about 3-5 people stopping me. Now I would say that they know who they are, but then I think they would think there's a lot more people. So I'll just go out and say them. Kassie, Kati, Mark, Aidan, and Mute. Those are the people stopping me. The thing is, I think everyone else would be A-Okay without me. Of course my mom maybe not so much, but I don't really necessarily care if she'd be depressed without me. She has another step-daughter who is willing to spend money on her and spend days with her in the hospital. I got bored of 20 minutes in the hospital and just wanted to go home.

Now, some people may call me selfish for that. I know. I know I'm selfish, I just think I'm a spoiled, overreactive, sad, annoying, rotten, hot-headed, short-tempered, explosive, rejective, brat. Now, every single person I've met has disagreed with me on that. But someone also told me that no one knows you better than yourself. But how am I supposed to myself better than anyone if I always lie to myself? How am I supposed to know myself so well when I have two halves of me? So many different personalities for so many different situations. I have popular me for popular girl interactions. I have self conscious me for when I need it in shy situations. I have the loud and obnoxious me for when I can let my guard down. I have the super annoying me for when I'm tired. I have the weeb me for when I'm around my weeb friends. I have so many different me's that sometimes I forget... Which one am I? Am I really a stuck up and snotty popular girl? Or maybe I'm the semi-logical coding girl in robotics. Or maybe I'm just some girl that is still in a fantasy world, laying in bed against her rainbow and human sized teddy bear, having a cat asleep on her arm, and spilling out all of her mental thoughts onto a weird Wattpad story. How do I know I'm not dreaming? Maybe I'm just... lost. So lost in so many trains of thought. Maybe I'm still living in my trailer before my parents divorce, playing that one pastel goth stickers level on LittleBigPlanet 2. Maybe I'm watching PopularMMOs on my TV, sitting in my outdoors chair eating a Tostinos supreme pizza. Or maybe, I died already. Maybe my mom never really gave birth to me. What if this was all just a lie? How do I know that mythical creatures don't exist? What if they just wiped our minds and we just don't know because we haven't found them yet. What if something like the zodiac animals in Fruits Basket existed or vampires and werewolves in Twilight. Perhaps demi-humans like in Monster Musume before a law got passed that they could live with host families. Maybe I'm still sitting in that therapist's office. The air smelled like dust and her perfume the scent of one's at church. Perhaps I write too much and think too much. What would happen if I just stopped... thinking about everything? Saying sorry to everything? Talking out loud so much? What if... I could just do that? But I've grown so used to talking so much that it's hard to stop. I'm such a talkative person and I love to meet new people! But then... after an instant of finding out someone's angry with me, I go so dark and lonely. My mind reminds me how much of a better place this would be without me. Without the weird bipolar girl no one wants to be friends with. Then, people get angry with me and say that I'm overreacting and all they wanted me to do was stop talking for a bit.

All I can think of myself as is a toxic person. Don't be friends with me, I'll just drag you into my never-ending spiral of despair.

Ah, I've turned Grammarly back on and we have 23 mistakes. I'm surprised if you've made it this far. Congratulations, the cake was a lie. Au revoir for now <3