Just Feelings

2

I haven't eaten a full meal in a week. I've lost interest in all videogames and roleplaying with my sister. There's just nothing engaging about it. Well, I guess I've been playing Genshin Impact but I can't play for more than maybe 10 minutes, then I get bored. Why? I can barely even watch anime. There's so many dark thoughts and I just wanna break down and fucking cry, but I can't and I don't understand why. What's wrong with me? Am I mentally ill? I've been sleeping for about 11-13 hours each day and after 2 hours of being awake, I'm exhausted and ready for bed again. And I'm not even doing anything! I went to the store with my parents on Friday and I came back home to try and sleep because I was so tired. All I did was walk around and then I listened to music in the car. I joked around with my friends and said that my body was shutting down. I've lost all my appetite, I've only eaten what's worth a piece of bread a day for the past week and all I wanna do is sleep. I get pissed anytime my parents want anything to do with me, and I get pissy when my mom wants me to do my chores. But, I have to because I want my phone so I can boringly talk to my friends. Which, they aren't always boring, sometimes they're super interesting, but I just can't talk to them for hours on end like I used to be able to. Not to mention I'm super hung up on my ex boyfriend still. He can obviously tell, too. He has Hailey. I'm glad she's there to accompany him when he let me go. I got banned from seeing my girlfriend because she was too suicidal and my mom says that I've recently gotten better... Which I haven't, at all, I've just gotten too lazy to do anything about it. I don't care about anything enough to even.... Say anything. There's so many dark thoughts. Today was a really bad day for them too. It's just like a big sticky note in front of your face telling you that you mean absolutely nothing, you're worthless, you're ugly, you try too hard, you're fat, your stretch marks look bad, your makeup makes you look like a clown. My mom says alt/emo makeup looks clownish. She says she's never seen it on anything but a clown. So, I guess I'm a clown on the inside then. I hate it so much. How can so many people love her? I don't care if she wanted me to have a bff relationship with her, I don't want to have one with her. Maybe if you wanted me to love you more, you wouldn't yell and scream at me for cutting myself. I'm sorry, but when I have kids and if they start cutting themselves, I'm never yelling at them. I have hatred in my heart towards my mother for that. She did it multiple times, too. Every single time she found more, she would yell. She would cry, too. Wanted to put me in a mental hospital. I was too scared to tell her I actually did really want to kill myself so I didn't go. Maybe she thinks she's the reason I'm not doing it, but frankly, I don't care about her feelings enough to not do it for her. I would never hurt Kassie that way though. I just wanna lay in bed and pass away, without doing it myself. I wanna stop eating and die of starvation. Maybe I should just shut up and listen to my peers. Just shut up and stop acting like a child. Grow up a little.