Just Feelings

edgelord

super cringe; super edge

I don't want to be alive, I'll say it once, I'll say it a thousand times. It's something I will admit I'm slightly embarrassed about. I'm not embarrassed about much since I'm pretty cocky and selfish about 98% of the time.
Sometimes, I daydream about it. Offing myself, yknow.
There's different situation. Millions I'd say by now, I've been dreaming about it for, I don't know, since primary school?
Ive dreamt about falling off a cliff so high in the sky that I'm above the clouds. I fall through the clouds and realization hits me, but I'm okay with it.
Ive dreamt of cutting through my flesh, tearing pieces of it off and eating one piece just to try it, then finishing the job.
There's been many different scenarios of hanging, but one that pops up often is that I call all of my friends to remind them how much I appreciate them. Because I really do, they all mean so much to me. Without them, I really wouldn't be here. Then, I go home and hang myself in my bedroom. My mom comes home and finds out, is devastated, blah blah blah. I don't care about the aftermath with my parents.
Ive had some scenarios of oding, though they're kinda boring. It's not an exciting or flashy death, so I probably wouldn't choose that over anything. Oh yeah, I'm not beautifying suicide or anything.
More of my dreams consist of more grotesque things, like burning alive in a furnace or being slowly torn apart physically by chains. Once I even had a dream that I had an abusive partner that just murdered me. I've shot myself on high buildings and suffocated myself in dreams, there's been so many dreams.
I want to tear the skin from my body and take someone's else features to put on my face, because mine aren't good enough. I want to fly away to find the perfect face and body and put them together in hopes that I am a more beautiful person. Because right now I'm sitting in a low pile of ugly people. I wish I could call myself pretty so that my personality could fit the way I act around people. I wish I were pretty so that people could look at me and wish they were me. Wish that they could die and look like me. I want people to see me and hope that they could afford plastic surgery with the smallest amount of luck to even amount to my looks. Now, am I hoping to look like the goddess Aphrodite herself? Yeah, probably. But there's probably people out there who think of Zendaya or Doja Cat and hope to look like them.
Im weird. I know this, because when I talk about something remotely close to what I enjoy people grimace and walk away.
I want to create Paradise. I want to overthrow the government and throw away the people that don't share the same morals as I. Does this mean I will? No, not at all. Because if that plan failed, the consequences are hella high. I'd be screwed for the rest of my life. So, for now, Paradise is a place in my imagination and in my story.