YOU KNOW YOU'RE RIGHT // Kurt Cobain

Chapter 12

Boston, MA Part III

September 23, 1991

The Axis Nightclub was packed. Which was no surprise, as the Smashing Pumpkins would also be making an appearance along with Nirvana. The stage would be filled with ineffably talented rockstars. And then there was Family Drama. I was beginning to dislike the name more and more, as my life was beginning to become synonymous with our brand. A constant back and forth between myself and my band members regarding my nonexistent love life was taking a toll on our creativity. And it was beginning to show, too. All my songs had to do with longing. Lust. Anger. I could never show these songs to the guys; they'd know exactly who the songs were about and would never let me live it down.

Pink Floyd vibe music (possibly from The Dark Side of the Moon, I couldn't tell) filled in as background noise for the enormous crowd. I walked up to the bar to order my usual White Russian, very much to Kurt's amusement, and it was like Kurt was gone the exact moment we broke eye contact. He was nowhere to be seen. A few minutes later, I felt the alcohol setting in a bit, and I took a hit of some random blunt being passed around the room, so let's just say that I was not having my best moment.

Someone tapped me on my shoulder, and I stumbled in two circles before realizing that Kurt was the one who tapped me, with some eight foot tall blonde giantess hanging off his arm like a knockoff Gucci bag you'd find on a random corner in Times Square.

"Erin, this is... Courtney, right?" The girl nodded slowly, as if she were mentally confirming her own name as well. "Court, this is Erin Murbach, vocalist for Family Drama. She's touring with us," Kurt introduced her to me. I immediately cringed at his nickname for her. Court. I could have vomited.

"Loving the pink hair! But maybe next time you could come to me so I can make it look less like a shitty Kool-Aid job, right?" Courtney chuckled, and I raised my eyebrows. Well, so much for first impressions, this woman was a whole cunt. Before I could retort some horrible burn back at her, she was yelling out, "Let's go get some motherfucking drinks for the lead singer of motherfucking Nirvana, motherfuckers! That's what I'm motherfucking talking about!" I'm gonna motherfucking shoot myself, I thought as I was handed the mysterious blunt once again, taking more and longer hits than before. I would need a lot more courage tonight.

I don't know how much time passed between when I had the mystery blunt and when Courtney ran up to me at rocket speed demanding a fight, but I was sobered real quick.

"Well? You wanna fight me, bitch? Cause it's ON, motherfucker!" Courtney shouted in my face. The entire club went quiet. I could hear my heart in my eyeballs. Instead of mirroring my insides and freaking the fuck out, I let my face remain stone cold as I told her, "Maybe I'll consider when you widen your vocabulary," I could hear Dave and Krist whisper "Burrrnnnnn" behind me.

"So it's a no, then?" Courtney persisted, and Kurt stepped in front of me like a human shield, as if his string bean limbs would be any form of protection to me, and defended me by saying, "Sure sounds like it, Court. I've heard horrible things about you, and you're living up to every statement so far. I'd back the fuck off if I were you." Courtney laughed incredulously.

"What a pussy! She can't even fight me! She's probably a shit singer, too," Courtney announced, and the crowd just stood there watching, silently anticipating the events that would occur next. I stood there, my arms crossed, not even fazed by her behavior. Although she stood almost a foot taller than me, I was not going to let her be the metaphorically bigger person.

"Then why don't you fight me, tough guy? You're so quick to defend her, so you must be desperate to get your hands full of my lipstick!" Courtney was just being ridiculous at this point.

"No. I respect women too much. But don't mistake my respect for lack of hatred for you," Kurt replied in a low voice, my jaw dropping open.

Courtney flung her arms up in the air, her mood flipping on a dime, before she announced, "I know a guy who has great coke in the back. I wanna get high before I make any other life changing decisions." Now I don't know about you, but that made absolutely no sense whatsoever. I decided to let it go. That was it. I was done. I was going to watch the show and get over it.

Everything seemed to move in slow motion. The Smashing Pumpkins set was over before it even started. Kurt showed up to Nirvana's set last minute, looking incredibly frazzled. His hair was a mess, and he was wearing a flannel I had never seen before. And there was no way of mistaking the mess of bright red lipstick on his cheek. He probably had sex with Courtney. He must have. Or maybe he was just doing drugs.

Nahhhh.

The opening chords of Aneurysm brought me back to life, the bass immediately bringing my soul back to my body as I watched the crowd surrounding me begin to jump. Throughout the set he kept looking at me. It was like I had been transported back to 1989. Those same eyes that haunted me for the past two years had returned to being the eyes that kept me in a lovesick trance. In his eyes I felt the sand. I could taste the salt and vinegar chips and weed brownies. I could smell the cigarette-laden scent of his clothing. The line, "I love you so much it makes me sick," was all I needed to confirm my feelings. After this show, I was going to go backstage and go for it. Nothing mattered anymore. I needed him more than he needed me, and I was okay with that.

The show came to a close, and Kurt jumped off the stage and swam through the crowd right towards me. My breath got stuck in my throat as he got closer and closer to me, and my heart joined my breath in my throat soon after, however both dropped down into my stomach as he pushed past me and embraced Courtney in possibly the hottest makeout I have ever seen. She had been behind me for the entire fucking show.

I was absolutely broken.

I needed to find Greg.

I walked out of the venue and saw him standing against the wall next to the door. I felt all my emotions bubbling out at once, and I could only get one word out before the tears overflowed and rained down my face-- "They..."

"I know, E. I know," Greg took me into his arms as I sobbed over something that I could have avoided if I had just given Kurt a chance; something that I could have avoided by choosing another person; something that was out of my hands.

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