YOU KNOW YOU'RE RIGHT // Kurt Cobain

Chapter 15

Dallas, TX

October 19, 1991

I had begun to notice the expanse in venue size. We were no longer performing in bars and small black box theaters; we were performing in high scale venues, and sometimes even stadiums. Kurt absolutely hated it. The bigger the venue, the more press. And the drug situation hadn't gotten any better. If anything, it got worse, and it was getting more and more painstakingly obvious by the day.

Kurt still hadn't ended his business relationship with Courtney. No matter where we went, I couldn't seem to escape the name "Courtney Love." She followed me everywhere, mentally taunting me, saying to me, "He chose me, motherfucker." I was tired of all of it. And on the flip side of things, Kurt and I continued to flirt, be intimate, and maintain a somewhat normal relationship. I was frustrated, because I was beginning to observe a duality in Kurt. He would tell me how much he valued me and then go and tell his drug dealer the same thing. And I knew he meant it in two different ways, but how was I supposed to be able to tell?

We ran through our set pretty smoothly, and I was pretty much on top of my game, but all I could notice was Kurt standing in the wings watching me perform. Whenever we maintained prolonged eye contact, his lips would lift into a smile, and my heart would just melt. I had it bad.

"How are we doing, Dallas?!" I yelled out to the crowd, and a wave of screaming hit me in the face. "Awesome to hear. Thanks for coming out tonight, y'all, we love you from the bottom of our hearts. This last one's called 'I Don't Care.'"

Kevin began strumming the fuzzy power chords, sending my soul into oblivion. Kurt might have hated the fame, but I was all about it. Not once had I seen this many people singing my lyrics. It was absolutely wild. I drank in the sight as I sang the song I wrote about Kurt and Courtney, listening to the crowd chant I don't care that you chose her first. I was flying.

Nirvana breezed through their set, mostly because Kurt sped up the songs to about twice their normal BPM, shouting incoherent lyrics into the microphone. He was most definitely stoned out of his mind.

The show ended and we all transferred the hype to a local kid's house party. The kid's dad was one of the sound guys. We all went immediately to the table full of alcohol, and I mixed a jack and coke for myself and Kurt just poured straight vodka. "Are you serious?" I laughed, and Kurt replied, "Vodka? I love vodka." We both laughed like children as we walked through the crowd, with the likeness of packed sardines, to a more secluded area. Kurt put down his drink and I followed suit, and before I knew it he had his arms around my waist, pulling me in.

We passionately kissed, and Kurt ran his hands up my back. I leaned further into him, and he chucked under his breath. "I think we're gonna have to take this somewhere else, Erin, we wouldn't be able to do what I want to do with you in public."

I agreed, kissing him once more before he took my hand and led me upstairs to a random bedroom. I sat down on the bed and watched him remove his denim jacket and discard it on the ground. He closed and locked the door behind us before jumping onto the bed, straddling me. He kissed all over my face, making me laugh hysterically as he ran his hands up and down my sides.

"I love you, Erin."

I stopped what I was doing instantly. Had I just heard him correctly? Had I worn my earplugs incorrectly and accidentally gone deaf during the show? Or did Kurt the Blue Eyed Loch Ness Monster "You're So Believably Attractive Erin" Cobain just tell me that he loved me?

"I love you, too." I felt the words fall out of my mouth as if it were second nature, and Kurt's facial expression lit up. "You do?"

"Yeah."

Kurt pulled me into him once again, pressing his lips to mine, whispering "I love you" in between each kiss. "Fuck," he muttered, "that feels so great to say out loud."

"Tell me again," I said, and Kurt changed his position so he was hovering over me, before he offered, "Why don't I just show you?"

***

TW: DRUG USE, SUICIDE ATTEMPT

It was probably a combination of the alcohol and the best sex I ever had in my mere 22 years of life, but I was on such an emotional high that when Kurt left the bed for a minute and came back with a syringe, oddly bent spoon, elastic band, lighter and small plastic baggie, I didn't even object.

I watched Kurt shoot up, and he looked up at me before holding out the items to me. "Do you wanna try?"

"Sure."

I wrapped the elastic around my arm while Kurt melted the heroin down in the spoon and filled the syringe for me. He helped me inject my arm with the poison and when I released the band, my entire body went numb. So this was what heroin felt like.

"It really helps my stomach problems, you know," Kurt murmured, his eyes half-closed, his blinking slow. "I'm not in pain all the time anymore."

"Yeah, that's great, but if you feel like... this all the... time..." I felt myself nodding out as I tried to finish my sentence, but I lost consciousness as I was absorbed into a drug-induced euphoria.

I woke up to see my mom standing next to the bed, looking down at me. The room was pitch-black. All I could see was a silhouette. "I can't even stand to look at you. You're a disgrace to this family," she said, and I felt my body go cold. Had I traveled back in time?

"You don't belong here. There's no way that junkie loves you. He was probably strung out already when he said it! He's incapable of loving anyone, let alone you," she told me, and I felt my eyes brim with tears. "Stop it, mom! I don't even know why you're here!"

"To put you out of your misery," she said, grabbing my wrist and pulling me into the bathroom. The light flickered on, and she opened the cabinet, handing me a bottle of diazepam. "Take them all, Erin. Spare everyone."

Without giving me a chance to retaliate, she took my hand, forced me to open the bottle, and took the bottle up to my mouth before letting all the pills go straight down my throat.

"Good girl. I love you. Sweet dreams, God bless you."

A/N: That was a hallucination. I'm sorry it got so dark! I'm at my parents' house for Easter weekend so unresolved trauma is making a comeback lmaoooo

Anyway- we're 3 chapters away from the end of Part II- NEVERMIND ! Yee haw!