YOU KNOW YOU'RE RIGHT // Kurt Cobain

Chapter 16

San Francisco, CA

October 26, 1991

TW: MENTIONS OF SUICIDE ATTEMPT

I woke up in a hospital, dazed and confused. I looked to my left to see a table full of medications, and then looked to my right to see Kurt standing there, a guilty expression on his face. I had no idea why, though. All I remembered was doing... intimate activity at a house party. Something told me that something else, possibly tragic, occurred at that party.

I opened my mouth to try and talk but my voice only let out a deep croaking noise to which Kurt immediately responded by shushing me and grabbing my hand tightly. "You don't have to talk, I'll tell you what happened."

I nodded in agreement before he proceeded, taking a deep breath. "We did heroin and you had a really bad hallucination about your mother. You walked into the bathroom and swallowed an entire bottle of diazepam. By the time I found you, you were having your first seizure and I had to call an ambulance. They said if I had found you any later you would have died."

My throat got choked up as I processed this information, and Kurt's eyes mirrored mine as he shed a few tears. I never would have, in a million years, tried to kill myself. The fact that heroin had brought me to the point of convincing myself that I didn't want to live anymore scared the absolute shit out of me.

"Erin, I am so, so unbelievably sorry, from the bottom of my heart," Kurt whispered, and I held his hand tighter. "It... it's okay," I forced out, running out of breath quickly, "it's not your fault."

"Everything's my fault," Kurt implored, his head hanging low. "We had a great night and then I had to go and fucking ruin it, and possibly let you end your own life, all because of fucking--"

"Erin, thank God," Danny Goldberg and Freddie rushed in, pushing past each other to get to me first. Danny beat Freddie to it.

"What the everliving fuck were you thinking?!" he yelled, startling me. Freddie slapped Danny's shoulder, scolding him for his tone and lack of empathy before asking me how I was holding up.

"I'm okay. I'm so sorry, guys, I really don't know--"

"None of that now, my dear. I'm just glad you're still here. We need you."

"Yeah, like this week. They're discharging you tonight and you're doing your next show tomorrow," Danny unloaded my schedule on me, receiving another slap from Freddie in return.

"Daniel, are you fucking kidding me? The girl just tried to--"

"And we have venues booked that cannot be refunded! We are going to lose so much--"

"Money should not be your main priority right now, you corporate pig!"

"You're a manager, too, get off your high horse, Farrokh!"

"Guys, just shut up," I made my best attempt to raise my voice. "I swear, this was not intentional. I was hallucinating. I'll try my best to fully recover by tomorrow, I really want to be here."

Kurt's eyebrows furrowed, his eyes switching between myself and our managers. "E, are you sure you want to do this?"

I nodded, brushing off Kurt's concern. If he could survive doing that shit every day, then I could recover from an overdose. I would definitely not be returning to heroin, however. That was enough for me.

***

That night I walked into the trailer, with Kurt leading the way. When I caught eyes with Dave and Krist, they both stood up dangerously fast from where they were seated and bounded over to me. Krist looked concerned, while Dave was straight up sobbing. "Don't you ever do that again, Erin! You are so special and unique and talented and beautiful and an amazing best friend!" he exclaimed, hugging me so tightly I almost lost my breath.

"Bottom line, E, don't die," Krist stated plainly, easing Dave off of me before pulling me in for a more gentle yet firm hug. "Kurt, why the hell would you make Erin do heroin? Out of all things?"

Kurt looked down at his shoes in shame, and I spoke up for him before he could have a self-pity party. "He offered it to me, and I had the option to decline, but I chose to do it. It's not his fault that I decided to exercise my free will and went too far."

"Too far is an understatement," Krist scoffed, walking over to the liquor cabinet and pouring himself a fancy ass glass of wine before sitting on the couch. Classic Krist. I joined him on the couch, Dave sitting on Krist's other side, and Kurt sitting on my other side, placing his arm around my shoulders.

"Guys, I'm fine, okay? Really," I pleaded, and both of them eventually wiped their skepticity off their faces and replaced it with understanding.

Greg came out of the bunk area, caught eye contact with me, but immediately looked away. He grabbed a few snacks from the pantry and returned to the bunks without a word.

"Damn, that was cold," Dave muttered, and Krist nodded in agreement. "Yeah, Kurt, the shoulder thing isn't exactly helping, man."

Kurt grunted, refusing to budge. "It's not like Greg is into her or anything."

All eyes were zeroed in on Kurt now, who cocked an eyebrow. "Or he is?"

"Kurt, dude, sorry to break it to you, but you are blind," Thomas interjected, walking into the trailer and taking off his jacket as he listened in on their conversation.

"How the fuck am I blind?!" Kurt retaliated, and Thomas just laughed.

"So you're gonna pretend like the entire Bleach Tour, where Gregory Hernandez was always either down your throat or up your ass and wouldn't leave you alone, didn't happen?"

"That's what she said," Dave chuckled.

"Y'all, I'm right here," I announced, putting my head in my hands. "This is awful."

"Yeah, you're right," Kurt replied, rubbing my back soothingly. "You guys should back off and leave us alone."

"You're not gonna offer her heroin again, are you?" Krist asked. "NO!" Kurt yelled, his eyes angry and jaw tightening. "Leave. Please."

Without another word, the three other guys retreated out of the living room area, leaving Kurt and I alone, side by side. He reached down to guide my head back up from my hands to face him. "You okay?"

"Kurt, yes, for the love of God, I already told you--"

"No, I meant what just happened a minute ago."

"Yeah, I'm fine." I murmured, leaning into him and kissing him gently, placing my hand on his chest. He responded slowly, kissing me back with just as much hesitance, almost as if he were afraid he might break me. He pulled away, holding my face in his hands.

"Were you and Greg ever a thing?"

"Why do you ask that"

"Well, I don't know, why do you think?"

"Kurt, I'm never going to be with Greg. I'll never like him that way. I love you, and only you. And nothing is going to change that."

"Even if I'm really fucked up?"

"Yes, even if you're really fucked up. Kurt, you are you, no matter what."

"I'm gonna get clean, I promise."

"That's good."

Back to kissing.