Is this real?

Chapter 10

Arthur dragged himself through the corridors of the castle. Everywhere he went there was something to do; they had barely managed to overcome Lord Brynmor's forces and they had been dealt a lot of damage. Servants scurried past carrying water, bandages and supplies. He knew what a sight he must be, covered in blood and dirt, stumbling from exhaustion every few steps, but after the day he had faced he couldn't bring himself to care. All he wanted was to go to his chambers, sink into a hot bath and sleep for about a week, but he knew he wasn't finished yet. Besides, the sooner he rested the sooner he would have to face the issue of Merlin. Not only the question of his magic, of course; the root they had gone to so much trouble to retrieve was still sat in Arthur's packed saddlebags, meaning Merlin still hadn't been cured of the damned love potion.

Arthur was so distracted by thoughts of Merlin he didn't notice Gaius' approach until he was almost on top of him. "Sire!"

Arthur jumped. "Gaius. My apologies it... it's been a long day."

"Not at all, Sire. At least we have Merlin back to normal now. Have you seen him anywhere? I could use his help with the wounded but I haven't seen him since your return."

"No, I - back to normal?" Arthur asked, feeling incredibly confused. Perhaps he had misheard him in his tiredness.

"Well yes, since the potion has worn off. Entirely my fault, Sire, if I had only taken another day to research I could have spared you the whole trip, and potentially avoided all of this mess. I simply didn't anticipate the effects of the potion Lady Mair used would only last a day or two." Gaius raised an eyebrow skeptically. "Merlin is back to normal, isn't he?"

Arthur's mind raced as he struggled to maintain his composure: "Yes, completely - well, as normal as Merlin ever is. I was just... confused how you knew."

"Ah. Further study and time, simply. If you see Merlin, would you send him my way? If you can spare him, of course." Gaius bowed slightly and continued down the corridor. Arthur stood for a moment longer, trying to process the implications of what Gaius had told him. If Gaius was right and Merlin was already himself again, surely he would have said so? When had it worn off - most importantly, before or after Arthur had given in to his desire? If the spell had been broken, if Merlin had wanted him too, perhaps that meant some of his other feelings, feelings he had been fighting so hard to contain, may be returned as well. Eventually he reached a decision; the only person who could truly tell him what this all meant was Merlin, and they were long overdue a talk.

The warlock in question had also made a choice. He had finally snuck back into Gaius' chambers, having been avoiding them while he prepared himself so he didn't have to face any questions. Quietly he packed up his belongings and some rations, left a note for Gaius on his pillow and, steeling himself, set off for his final stop. He knew he couldn't stay here now. Arthur may not be planning to execute him but he knew he couldn't possibly trust him again. Merlin had hurt him too deeply to hope for that. And if Arthur couldn't trust him, there was no way he could ever feel anything more for him - anything like the rising tide of desperate feeling that threatened to drown Merlin every time he so much as looked at his face. So he had to leave. He would look over Arthur from afar and just had to hope he was on the path to become the king he was destined to be. He soon reached Arthur's chambers, quietly glad the knights were all preoccupied outside, sparing him a few more painful goodbyes. The guards usually stationed outside were gone too, likely too busy with the aftermath of the battle to be here. He paused at the doors, holding his breath as he listened for sounds of Arthur within. Hearing nothing he pushed open the door, note in hand.

"Merlin." Arthur sat at his table, forearms resting on his knees. He looked so tired; Merlin's mind was frozen in shock, but he could still see that much. He didn't know what to do. He couldn't leave without telling Arthur anything, but he didn't know if he could face this in person. Arthur gazed at him curiously, as if wondering what the outcome of Merlin's internal debate would be, but saying nothing more. Eventually Merlin entered the room, walking slowly over to the table. Arthur gestured at another chair and Merlin took the invitation, sitting and staring into his lap. He struggled to find the words - they had been hard enough to locate when writing his letter and were buried even deeper now he had to say them out loud.