Ghosts, Toast, and Minnesota-Ghost Hunters Fanfic/Crackfic

CHAPTER FIVE

Steve was a horrible cook, so they assigned Satori to teach him normal life skills.

***

Satori was the opposite of her sister. She didn't want to kick everything (and everyone) who annoyed her. Even if she was stuck in a motel of annoying people.

She had a deeper sense of inner peace and patience.

"Ok, so, let's start with making something simple, like toast," she said, with a small, hopeful smile.

"I know how to make TOAST," Steve boasted.

Satori shrugged. "Well, you're learning again. Do you expect me to let you make a fried egg? I'm not sure you're at that level yet."

Steve rolled his eyes. "I've made OATMEAL before. That's hard."

Satori paused and lifted her eyes. "Oh? How did you make it?"

"I opened the box, and took out a packet, and emptied it in a bowl, and added water, and microwaved it for a minute, and then added a cup of sugar to make it edible."

She was no longer impressed. She bit back a sigh. "WELL, you could learn my way of making oatmeal." She smiled again. "First I carefully select the kind of oats. Quick oats are nice, but so are steel cut. Then depending on how many people will be eating the oatmeal or how hungry you are, you carefully estimate how much of the liquids you will need. You can use water, milk, or a combination of both. Heavy cream, nut milks, oatmilk, or any kind of vegan milk works well too."

Steve's eyes widened in horror. Satori continued. "I like combining half a cup of milk and water each for a good consistency. Then you can make sure that your bowl is microwave safe, and if you're microwaving it, you can cover it with a paper towell, though that usually isn't necessary.

"If you cook yours on a stovetop, you might want to add a bit of extra liquid. Just put the bowl on, keep stirring it so it doesn't burn, and let it thicken and absorb the extra liquid. When it's warm and creamy you take it off the stove and garnish with sliced strawberries, blueberries, or cinnamon. You can also put some brown sugar on top."

Steve stared at her as if she was insane. He swallowed. "Ok let's start with toast."

She nodded with satisfaction and pulled some bread out from the cupboard; she still didn't know why a motel had all these groceries. It seemed like the motel owner lived here. There was even a mini toaster that cooked two slices of bread. "Ok, so first you take out your bread."

"DUH." Steve was holding one piece of bread in each hand.

"Now, you put the bread in the toaster."

Steve slid both slices in at once. "There. Now we wait."

Satori frowned. "NO. you have to put the lever down. The toast has to be INSIDE the toaster. Not on top."

"'Kay, on it." he slammed the levers down with unnecessary force.

Satori nodded once. "NOW we wait." She turned to congratulate Steve on his first culinary accomplishment, but he was gone. "Where'd you go?" Satori asked.

Steve came back a minute later with a carton of eggs.

Satori's cheeks paled. She scrambled to the toaster as fast as she could, but before she got there, Steve had already cracked an egg on the side of the toaster. He dumped it in the same hole as one of the pieces of toast.

You could hear the eggs sizzling.

Satori froze. Her heart was pounding, and she fought to keep a steady breath. "Now you probably ruined the toaster!" She wailed. "What were you thinking?!"

"I don't know," Steve muttered sheepishly. "I just wanted to try it."

Satori wove her fingers in her hair in frustration. "You can't 'just try' anything in a life-or-death situation!"

BOOM!

The both just stood there.

They didn't need to see what happened.

They knew.

The toaster had exploded.

The stench of burnt eggs filled the air.

Satori growled.

Steve sighed.

Sizzling.

They both whipped their heads around in unison.

Fire.

A patch of the 'kitchen' was in flames.

Steve took a few steps back. "Get away--fire--go, mind yourself--"

"OW!" Satori felt something hot. She realised her shirt was on fire.

She stopped.

She dropped.

She didn't roll. Instead, she threw herself into the water fountain and smashed the button in. The fire went out but left a black crusty stain on her shirt.

Steve was still hopping around the fire like a horse. "SHOO! FIRE, MIND YOURSELF!"

Grant was suddenly there. He had a tendency for appearing out of thin air. "YOU DIMWITS!" He screamed. "I TOLD YOU LOSERS NOT TO DO ANYTHING A LOSER WOULD DO! SINCE YOU DID THOSE THINGS, YOU ARE LOSERS. I HAD FAITH IN YOU, BUT HERE WE ARE, STARTING EGG FIRES."

Steve glared at Grant. "Well I'M SORRY if I'M A BAD COOK.-"

Grant huffed and rolled his eyes. "That's an understatement."

Steve's fists clenched like he was ready to punch him. "WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M DONE. NO MORE FENDING FOR YOU. I'M ONLY TAKING CARE OF MYSELF FROM NOW ON."

"GO AHEAD AND DO THAT, I'D RATHER NEVER SEE YOU AGAIN."

Satori narrowed her eyes. "CALM. DOWN. Both of you. You're overreacting. It's just an accidental kitchen fire. I already put it out."

They didn't even hear her.

Steve looked as though he was on fire like the eggs. "GO AHEAD. I'D EAT TEN SPIDERS IF IT MEANS I'D NEVER HAVE TO SEE YOU AGAIN." He walked out and slammed the door.

"RRRRRRGGGGGGGG." Grant growled.

"That's a bold statement to make," Satori muttered, and looked at Grant. "Wasn't that a bit harsh?"

Grant rolled his eyes and walked out the room.

The group still had over a month to go and were already going cold.