DEAREST MAR ━━ marlene mckinnon

iii. wildest dreams

THREE. WILDEST DREAMS

( someday when you leave me
i bet these memories
follow you around )

LATE AUGUST 1981

DEAREST MAR,

I'm surrounded by grey. Nothing is truly happy, nor truly sad, it is simply the grey area – the space between. We are plummeting into the endless depths of emptiness, and I fear that without your presence I will wither like a carrion flower, molting and untended to.

The deprivation of your presence has turned me into quite the poet, or so Remus has noticed; I have been spending numerous days sitting at the windowsill of my apartment, watching droplets of rain meet the ground.

Life is peaceful, Marlene. Sometimes too peaceful. I miss the way your dimples would be on full display when I imitated McGonagall or Flitwick in our second year, the entire group roaring with laughter. It was quite fun, actually, our second year.

The year when James showed us his invisibility cloak, the year where you and I surpassed a bond of friendship – I could tell you absolutely anything, Mar. I still can, I wonder if that's the purpose of these letters that you will never read, because I have no one else to truly, truly communicate with.

Wormtail was here today, but he looked rather odd; as if he was too scared to communicate to us, his hands shaking whenever we mentioned how malicious the Death Eaters were.

It's probably the nerves, and I don't blame poor Peter; sometimes even a mention of the monsters that took you away from me makes my headache with rage, making me feel complete and most utterly powerless. Maybe I can talk to him about it someday, so that he can feel better.

I've been reflecting a lot, Mar. The memories of us, and how much I yearn to go back to when we were innocent and safe from the creatures dressed in black. They are not even human, with the amount of blood they've shed, the number of screams that have echoed through their ears as they saw the pristine take their last breaths.

And they do not even feel an ounce of guilt. It's as if someone has possessed them, controlling their minds and brainwashing them with unhealthy beliefs.

There's a memory of us, stuck in my mind.

Our first kiss.

It was at the end of our fourth year, and I can play it in my mind like a forgotten record, almost feeling the bliss of having your lips on mine. Lily and Mary were rambling about our upcoming OWLs, and I felt my heart plummet with the amount of stress that was going to mess with my mind soon.

You, being you, had noticed, tapping my shoulder and whispering into my ears, asking me if I wanted to leave.

I nodded, as you took my hand and we exited the dorms, heading to the Black Lake, a frown on my face. You told me you believed in me, that I would do great in my OWLs, and Mar, your smile was so goddamned contagious. Your bemused and vivid eyes shone with happiness as you threw your head back and let a small chuckle, your sun-bleached curls bouncing as you moved.

Before I knew it, I had leaned in and kissed you lightly, pulling away shyly. You had smirked that same smirk that makes butterflies lurch inside my entire stomach, kissing me back even harder, your warm and soft lips being my medicine.

And at that moment, it was just you and me.

Us.

My Mar, my love for you shall live forever.

You, however, did not.

FOREVER AND
ALWAYS YOURS,
CARINA LYRA BLACK