DEAREST MAR ━━ marlene mckinnon

vii. all the things she said

SEVEN. ALL THE THINGS SHE SAID

( i keep closing my eyes but I can't block you out
want to fly to a place where it's just you and me )

19th SEPTEMBER 1981

DEAREST MAR,

I don't even know what I'm doing anymore.

Life is all the same, and I'm an unfolding mess – the entangled branches of a bird's nest. Every day my eyes are dark and weary, tired of reading deaths in newspaper headlines, done with shutting my friends and family out.

I need to speak to someone, but I can't.

Not one person is trusted in this stupid war about stupid values and stupid blood purity.

I'm so done.

I just want to die, Marlene. Maybe even crucio myself a bit before meeting you once more – your warm, soft hands grasping mine, your creamy cheeks dimpling as if you're the sun itself.

I want my breathing to stop, so that I may lie in peace, and be reunited with you, my love.

The idea of death seems so alluring to me, finally leaving this wretched planet with the most wretched of people, and being reunited with the bright souls that were taken away from me. Putting myself out of my misery.

What is my life, if it is without you, my Mar?

Your carefree yet sincere attitude, your precious and eternal soul, still living in these letters, every single day I write to you.

I think I've gone mad.

I just want to die.

I need to see you again, I need to hold you again – I do not care about anything else, Mar, I just want you.

Sirius has started speaking to me again, finally opening up to someone that he has finally accepted will listen with their entire heart. He has spoken to me of his plight, of the way that he too, suspects Pettigrew. I absolutely knew it, Mar. I knew that pathetic excuse of a rat was the reason we are all getting sold out, and why the number of gravestones is doubling in forgotten graveyards.

He is the reason why I see children, barely three, crying at the loss of their dear parents, only seeing grey and black during their early years.

I want to make a change, Mar.

But I need you.

I feel so bloody empty that it's slowly killing me inside – every second of every minute of every hour of every day makes me sting and hiss in the confines of my mind, time betraying me with every breath I take in. My once loquacious mien has faded away faster than your intricate and delicate soul, flying away like clouds in the evening sun.

You're my panacea, Marlene – the one person that can save me from whatever I am going through, no matter what.

When you found out about the abuse in my household during our first year,  you'd been so supportive and caring – never letting me out of your site, trying to cheer me up with witty remarks, holding me when I cried myself to sleep.

Hope.

You'd given me so much hope that I felt as if the burdens were lifted off my heavy shoulders, and instead letting out a smile that showed that I was fine. That I was okay.

Oh, how the tables have turned.

You're buried six feet deep in the ground, the hope that took years and years of therapeutic help fleeting the moment you took your last breath, your eyes cold and hard – no longer feeling like home.

I never lived a true life before I met you, and now that you're just a lingering memory etched upon my soul, I continue to wander soulless and mindless – like a lost child.

I wish I was six feet under along with you.

Life without you is death.

FOREVER AND
ALWAYS YOURS,
CARINA LYRA BLACK