DEAREST MAR ━━ marlene mckinnon

ix. they're all gone

NINE. THEY'RE ALL GONE

( Cold bones, it's my love
She disappears like a shadow )

2ND NOVEMBER 1981

DEAREST MAR,

They're all gone.

All of them.

I promised I wouldn't write, but I don't know how else to cope — they're all dead, Mars.

Sirius was the alleged traitor, but I do not believe that one bit. He's fiercely loyal and he just... he wouldn't sell James and Lily out as if they were simply pawns in his game of chess. James saved both Sirius and me, Lily has been like a sister to us. Sirius would never ever betray his second family.

Ever.

My stomach twists whenever I recall my friends and brother: Sirius' haunting blue-grey eyes as they screamed silently for help when he was pulled away from my arms to Azkaban. James' lifeless body lay right next to Lily's, their hands twined as if they were still alive and well. Oh and Harry... Poor poor Harry lay screaming in his cot like tomorrow would never come, a large blazing scar carved onto his forehead.

Remus moved out yesterday.

He said he loved me, but he did not want anything to do with Sirius – that the house was filled with so many memories, memories playing in his mind repeatedly – memories that scarred his soul slowly, like a jarring knife.

I'm all alone.

Frank and Alice have been tortured to insanity by my insane cousin Bellatrix, their souls drifting away slowly like quiet boats on calm waters.

James and Lily are gone, death by the killing curse itself, their hearts and minds imprinted on my thoughts, the marks never fading away.

Dorcas was killed by Voldemort itself, what a fucking honor I suppose... She was so full of life and now she isn't – she's gone faster than the speed of trains.

Sirius has been shipped off to Azkaban, his soul will soon be drained by the true embodiment of death – ruthless dementors.

Regulus was killed by death eaters for taking a stand for what he believed in, and now he pays the price of my parents' wrongdoings.

All gone.

Gone, gone, gone.

I don't even know how to feel anymore, there's a looming feeling running through my veins, consuming me and spilling over like paints.

I feel numb, Marlene.

I cannot even bring myself to cry, for tears to escape my eyes and trickle down till my chin, I only blink, staring at these letters I've written to you.

One by one.

I count the letters every day, they stare at me right in the eye as if they're threatening me, waiting for me to burn them, smoke and ash being the only reminder of you.

Why can't you just come back? Why can't everyone come back?

Here I am, sitting in my room all alone, the empty apartment feeling cold and lifeless as no more chatter echoes from Sirius and Remus' empty room.

The silence is slowly killing me.

I need to hear something. Anything.

The muffled chortles of Sirius and Remus playing cards in the living room, the soft sizzling of pancakes that Sirius used to ruin, Remus' passionate recitation of his own poetry, Sirius singing in the shower like a retired opera singer.

But it's so silent now.

Haunting me like the ghosts of the past.

FOREVER AND
ALWAYS YOURS,
CARINA LYRA BLACK