DEAREST MAR ━━ marlene mckinnon

viii. blue grey oceans

EIGHT. BLUE GREY OCEANS

( bones blood and teeth erode
with every crashing node )

1ST OCTOBER 1981

DEAREST MAR,

I went to the beach today.

It was almost completely empty, the sky dark and twisted as if it were some sort of sadistic joke, the waves calm and grey as they washed bubbling foam onto the sandy shore.

Pure white birds were perched at the edge of the flowing water, sipping, euphonious chirps making me feel blessed – as if I had truly transported to heaven.

The sheer ambivalence of my feelings is quite evident, one day feeling like I cannot breathe, yet prancing with joy the next along with Remus and Sirius. I truly feel as if I have healed, even slightly, no longer feeling that sinking feeling in my stomach that would drag me to the pits of the ocean, where sunlight is only a soft diffuse glow.

Sirius has been growing happier, and that most ardently warms my heart – nothing is better than seeing my older brother prance around the house with a goofy grin, ruffling Remus' hair while making pancakes.

He's a horrible cook, but Remus and I gulp them down with a smile, right before exchanging each other looks and then bursting into fits of laughter.

He's incredible. Remus. He makes Siri so happy, and he's been so good to me – he takes interest in the novels that we used to spend hours and hours analysing, happily making all three of us warm tea with a warm chuckle.

My brother deserves someone like him.

I wonder, sometimes, if Regulus had someone to bring him out of his endless depths — someone who could rescue him from my parents and his destiny – maybe things would have been different.

Maybe we could have been one happy family at the end of all of it.

But alas, a girl can dream.

I wish things could be different.

If only you weren't taken from the world – your golden curls and golden soul would've still been with today, laughing with glee, your gorgeous blue eyes shimmering with knowledge and mischief.

If only I could hear your breathy laugh, sweeter than the ballads of Apollo, making my lips tilt upwards too.

You spread your light everywhere Marlene, absolutely everywhere.

But no one was there to save you.

Your eyes haunt me, your smile haunts me, your laugh haunts me, your soul haunts me.

Everything about you haunts me Marlene.

I just wish you were here with me, stroking my hair and whispering sweet nothings to me, your soft skin on mine as you hugged me tightly.

But you're not. You're gone with the wind, a forgotten memory, playing in my mind like old films.

This will be my last letter to you Marlene.

I'm growing better each day, feeling the void in my heart that is you slowly healing.

I feel like a person again, Mar.

I'm moving on, actually. I met this girl in muggle England named Scarlett Brown, and she seems lovely. Of course, she isn't anything compared to you but she seems like a change — it's so refreshing to talk to her, and I can definitely be myself around her. There's no war with her, it's just life and living it to the maximum. And that just makes me realise how short life is.

It's a nice change.

But is it bad that every single time I'm with her, I feel like I'm betraying you?

Goodbye Marlene. I love you so much.

FOREVER AND
ALWAYS YOURS
CARINA LYRA BLACK