My Journey

My New Situation

Since I started this book last year, my situation has changed greatly. And it started with a huge fight my Mom and I got into, and she finally realized how absolutely miserable I have been living with her. She will never accept how horrible my mental health has been because of her, all the stress she has put on me because of her inability to function as a normal American family. All my life she refused to get a job so we lived off of others which has, more than once, left us in a position where we were homeless and had to pack everything in 30 minutes and move in with someone else. She also Absolutely hated public school, I was "homeschooled" for pretty much my whole life. And I really hated homeschooling for many reasons, I was really bad at a lot of things. Especially the independence that's needed, because my mom was a horrible teacher so I needed twice the normal amount. I really didn't progress in much other than English because of my love of recreational reading, mathematics was and still is my worst subject, I'm decent in science because I google pretty much everything because of curiosity and I generally retain that information. And as for history, I'm okay with it because it is mostly memorizing and I'm really good at that.

After our big fight, she (finally) let me leave, so after a lot of crying and fighting and yelling, I finally got all my stuff packed and she drove me to my Dad's. The first night I just cried and cried till I fell asleep, my heart was filled with dread cause it was scary for me. Sure I've moved like 50+ times but never by myself, and she certainly didn't make it easy she screamed almost the whole time as I was packing making it like I was betraying her for putting my health first. Not just mental health at that point I hadn't had a period in about 5 months due to ridiculous amounts of stress. My second night it was harder to sleep because I had calmed down, but the silence wasn't good for my running mind. So I turned on a fan, and it did the trick, I had something to focus on and I could finally sleep only thing is now I can't sleep without it. She then continued to call my Dad and Step-Mom daily, ranting about me being ungrateful, or exposing everything on my phone. Like how depressed I was and my poetry, telling them that I was suicidal and cutting. I don't know what her game was, I mean she didn't care before that was she just trying to keep her "loving mother" bull crap? I mean I wouldn't be surprised, she liked talking behind my back she at one point told my Step-Mom she thinks it could be some type of birth defect because I was born I believe 6 weeks early. She of course didn't know I was listening, but I listened to every phone call she made to them. They finally stopped being as nice to her after the 6th call, and her trying to call dad while he was at work. But what really drew the line is when she made a comment about losing a child, to my Dad. "You know the feeling of losing a child" This is definitely not the same, she lost my respect, made me lose my patience, and I almost lost my mind being with her. And the more she harped Dad, Step-Mom, and me, the more she started pushing me to hate.

After I left at the end of May she started going out with some guy from Christian mingle and by October (maybe) she was married to him. Good for her, I don't really care, at many points, she told me that she couldn't move forward with him sooner because of me. She put me in a program at the local high school, I had gotten a leadership position in so I couldn't leave unless absolutely necessary. She blamed the commitment she signed me up for on me, she blamed our living situation on me multiple times too. So my point is that if I didn't leave she wouldn't have been able to go off and get married and move to a different city if I hadn't left. And if she had I would have ended up leaving anyway.

Fast forward to December, My grandparents invite me to their house for a mixed birthday party/Christmas celebration. They moved to Florida to get away from the cold winter, so we celebrated my birthday and my sisters because we share a birth month. My mom and her new husband were there, along with my older brother, younger brother, my sister, her husband, and grandparents were all there. It wasn't until some of them left that she forced me into the old bedroom and made me talk to her. She tried to manipulate me into forgiving her trying to defend her actions not knowing that I heard everything she said to my Step-Mom. I went along with it so she'd stop talking and let me leave. It was a horribly awkward, tense atmosphere, it was suffocating. That night I spent the night with my little brother at my Grandma and Grandpa's and went to my old church that day and saw some of my old friends. Before seeing her there I went to her and her husband's place with the rest of the family for Thanksgiving which was also terribly awkward.

At some point, I started my junior year at the high school close to where my dad lives and honestly the only thing giving me trouble is math. I have all A's and B's and I'm very proud of it, I really didn't think I'd be okay in school. My mom always told me that if I went to public school I'd fail because of how far behind I am, but I think she just didn't want to own up to her dodging the homeschool-portfolio laws in our state. In the process, she ruined my confidence in any form of schooling to the point that I was so scared of disappointing her that I just didn't try anymore. It just seemed like the best way to protect me. Any time she'd ask me why I refused to try things other than English or the crappy History curriculum, I'd tell her that and she'd say to find a different reason; because it apparently wasn't good enough?

Here's something that happened recently that really ticked me off on a whole new level. My little brother's birthday was a few weeks ago, and I really wanted to tell him happy birthday so I asked my sister since I knew she'd see him then and I wanted to video chat just so he knew I remembered. But much to my dismay my sister asked my Mom first to see if she could, and like the puppet she is, my sister said everything my mom told her to not thinking for herself. She said that I wasn't thinking about how my appearance and disappearance would affect my little brother as he is only six. But the real kicker is that she texted me weeks before the birthday party was planned asking if I wanted to come but that I would have to spend the weekend and after telling her that I won't be coming because I'm uncomfortable with the idea of sleeping there especially with no fast way to get to my home. I tried to avoid an argument but of course, that didn't work, as usual, she felt the need to try and dissect what I said. And ultimately ended up blaming me for lack of communication and my Dad and Step-Mom for being "bad influences" for one reason or another. So, in conclusion, my whole point is don't you think me staying there would be worse than me saying happy birthday over the phone? Instead of having to sugarcoat why I can't live there anymore, I would only have to tell him that it was too long of a drive to get me and take me home since our Grandparents aren't here anymore to get me. I stand by my idea I think it would have been better for both him and me mentally, but with my Mom, it's her way or no way because she has to try and control me for some ungodly known reason. Anyways that's the update on my new situation, a better one.