My Journey

My Mom

At this point, I'm not sure where to start. My mother has been a kind, generous, loving mother. But she has also been a horrid, controlling dictator who wanted nothing more than to hold me down and take away my freedom. All while claiming she was treating me like an adult. I could do nothing because I was 100% alone in my mind. There was no one around I could trust to talk to friends nor family could save me from the minefield that was my mind. I wasn't the only one making my mind unbearable. My mother has been polluting my mind with things about people and how you can't trust anyone since I was young. Maybe it was then that I started acting too guarded, not letting people in; I regret some of the choices I've made, but of course, I'm happy I chose some.

From the first time, I remember asking my mom about her past to now. I can tell you I have changed a lot, and I no longer let people step on me. I also have a lot more courage, and my self-esteem is way higher, but I don't have my mother to thank for that. My mother is probably the reason my confidence was so low. The stress she put on me was horrible. It had terrible effects on my mind and body. In my mind, it turned itself into depression. So the more stressed my situation got, the worse my depression got. I used to write poems to express my pain and loneliness. The stress in my body caused heart palpitations, facial twitches, and menstruation problems.

My mother is a very manipulative woman, even if she doesn't mean to be.I think in her mind, she truly believes that she's a nice person. But from the life I've lived, that was with her shows a different story. Everyone makes mistakes, but not everyone repeats them a thousand times. Sending her three kids at the time on an emotional rollercoaster over and over again. Giving them hope and ripping it away so many times it was torturous. One man, she ran to him a thousand times cycling between loving him and hating him, and only now that I'm gone does she finally move on from him. He has been a horrible man to us, but he's also been the person she ran to every time she couldn't provide for us. Because she refused to get a job. Wouldn't leave any of us with a babysitter, and we lived in horrible houses because of it. We thankfully never missed a meal, but we often ended up living in places that were less than liveable, places without heat or running water in the winter. Place's that had bare hardwood floors with nails sticking out of them. Or place's where the ceiling was falling in because of a burst pipe. Don't get me wrong, there have been some nice ones that I remember a nice farm sted, a decent apartment or two, and the times we lived with my grandparents.

To sum up everything so far, the houses we have lived in, the stress she's caused, and her issues with chasing after a man who was horrible to her. She tried. In her own little world, she was a good mom. The few times she got it right for a little bit, it was better. Our relationship has always been strained in some ways. My sister and mother have always been close, but when it came to the same thing with us, it just didn't happen. I've never liked repetition, so only being with my mother and sister drove me crazy. My sister is older than me, so she hated playing with me when we were kids. My mom was too busy for me doing who knows what, so I got used to being by myself and not talking to people. I grew to hate talking to my family and being too awkward speaking to others about anything. I felt unimportant to my family and like a burden to anyone else. My social skills weren't the only things impaired due to my mother's homeschooling. I'm also multiple grades below others my peers. I'm missing a lot of building blocks from previous grades, but I'm managing to stick with a grade below where I'm supposed to be.

*Little side note, if I got off topic and floated around too much please tell me. Also sorry for it being kinda short.*