My Journey

My Mental Health

</3 I know it's the first chapter so bare with me, this chapter is so you can get a sense of the main character's perspective and personality and obviously mental health. </3

I've always been in one stressful situation or another, My life has never been simple. Never, not once and honestly that's why I wanted to die for so long... I know it's not good to say right? No one really wants to hear about this. Everyone always wants the happy side of everything. Even at funerals they don't want to know how you're really doing because, no one knows how to handle it. When I wanted to get help for these thoughts and how I was feeling my fourth brother was going through the same thing... I didn't speak up for fear that I would be told I'm faking it or I'm just looking for attention. Now this was a few years ago when I was just learning about what suicide and depression were. Looking back now I've had depression for a very very long time. Not knowing why I had mood swings as a child or even now as an almost adult...

Then something happened after I was rejected by a guy I liked I started writing poetry and it helped and from that point, on any time I felt overly emotional I'd write anything I could about it. And so my poetry skills slowly got better. The more experienced I got and the better my poems got I would show my friends them. And after they started liking them the more I relied on my depressed state. And after some setbacks and some changes my depression got to the point of bad where I started cutting... If that wasn't bad enough my mom found a half-done poem about me cutting and how it felt to release and to see the blood... at that moment was terrified being depressed gave me the unwavering ability to feel alone in a room of people. So in a way even when I was with my family "bonding" I was still completely guarded and distant. So I didn't feel comfortable talking to my mom, sister or brothers, about how I had this need to die or this heavy thing hanging over my head pushing me down mentally and emotionally. And honestly I still can't talk to my mom about anything. Now it's more because we don't have the relationship she thinks she does with me like she has with my big sister. The best way I can explain it; is one-sided, but she's my mom and I love her but it's just not working out I guess? I don't know if that's the best way to say it or not but parents don't know how easy it is for them to break our hearts in ways that take longer to heal. But no one's ready for that conversation.

For a long time, I didn't understand my emotions, and they terrified me. How can you confess or express something you don't understand? How can you ask for help when you don't even know why you need it? When it hurts... the looks you're given even if they're not meant to be hurtful. To a great deal of people that statement won't make sense but to the few who have been through it as well... You know how overwhelming a single look can be from certain people. You start overthinking, what if they're judging ______?! fill in the blank... What if they noticed that one thing about me I think is imperfect?! It's irrational but it's how you think right? Well know you're not alone because that was me and still is me mostly. Don't get me wrong I'm slowly changing but it's still there. There are still things that linger, like feeling alone in crowds or group conversations. People mistake you as shy, or uninterested, right? When in reality you just don't feel like you will be heard, and sometimes you aren't heard and that doesn't help. You lose or have lost confidence in your words, actions, appearance, even in your own personality.

Growing up and still, now this is/was me. On the plus side in some ways my trauma and pain helped me learn and feel things I wouldn't have felt without this season of my life. And I wouldn't be able to relate or help other people through similar things or give sound advice. But on the downside, it has caused permanent damage to me. The way I see myself as a person, how I view my looks, personality, and any skills I possess. Mentally I still have barriers, I don't let many through and when I do it scares me out of my mind. I can't see myself as anything more than average, my looks, abilities, ideas. Only a few have tried to change this though and it will be close to impossible. My personality changes depending on who I'm with and it's mostly based on who I like, dislike, am comfortable, or uncomfortable with, if I'm scared or not. I am a master of disguise and honestly could probably make it as an actress. As fake as I seem right now I promise I'm always 100% real no matter what personality I'm using. It's not so much that I change it's the way I talk or present myself, my body language, the tones of voice I use. It's like writing an essay and then changing the font but leaving all the words the same; that's how I work and how many others work too I'm sure.