My Journey

My Dad

To be honest, I'm not completely sure how to start this chapter. As you can see this is about my father, and I don't really know much about him. As strange as that sounds I don't, he's in my life but he's a quiet man. Not only that; but the majority of what I've been told all has the potential to all be lies. I have a lot of childhood fears stemming from my father. He never really gave me a reason to fear him but as a little girl going to a strange, large, and burly man's house it can be quite scary. Traumatizing even. I was a very shy kid, I've never really liked speaking up, and being in a strange place with a man who doesn't know me means I would more often than not ignore the things I needed like being thirsty or hungry. To be completely transparent, ignoring certain needs became a pretty common thing for me even when I went home.

At this point, I'm 18 and have moved away from my mom's, and am now living with my father. As an adult now observing him in new situations from an objective viewpoint with my niece and nephews, makes me wish I could have been more outgoing and enjoyed my time as his little girl the way my niece does. So in some ways, I'm jealous she was more born into the family than I, for you see, to my knowledge I wasn't allowed to see my father till I was 2-3 years of age. So I really was going to stay with a stranger. It was terrifying. Going to my Grandma and Paps was the worst thing though. My dad would tease me, and make me cry. But he'd stop and wait for me to stop. My cousins and uncles were awful, they tease me and pick on me till I cried and make fun of me further. Out of everything I've been through that probably damaged me the most. My self-esteem, self-worth, and my confidence all suffered. I 100% receded into myself, watching what I said, what I did, and only talking when I had to. This explains a lot of the behavioral issues I have, especially my defensiveness when it comes to being picked on or made fun of even if it's in good light-hearted humor, I absolutely can't stand it.

My cousins, while I was growing up, were all a lot older than me. And it was hard cause I really didn't fit in with them. I was/am very tender-hearted; when you cut me with words you cut deep and I bleed profusely. So they enjoyed teasing me and hurting my feelings and making me cry. One thing they always used to tell me growing up was that my Mom cheated on my Dad and that my real Dad was actually some Asian guy, which stems from the fact that I have very small eyes but I'm double lidded so I'm not actually Asian. My Uncles, more specifically one was particularly harsh on me, now I have blocked out most childhood memories but I know in the back of my mind that I hated him as a child and I still don't like him. As a kid, I called him "Uncle Rolly" cause I couldn't pronounce his name so let's stick with that. Now as an adult I've realized why Uncle Rolly hates me so much. I'll give you a hint, a younger me would never in a million years thought of it. It's because he, like the rest of my Father's side hates her. I mean I can't blame him but I am not my Mom so don't take it out on me. One of my favorite people was my pappy. I don't really remember much of my grandma as a little girl but I very well remember sitting on my Paps lap/big belly and eating honey-roasted and salted peanuts. Those were some of the best memories I have of being there and probably some of the best of my entire childhood.