Under Pastel Skies

Chapter 6

Everywhere Bucky looked his eyes and ears were assaulted by a cacophony of sounds and colours. Red and green baubles hung from the ceiling, shimmering like disco balls and sending sparkles around the mall.

The air smelled like pine and cinnamon, something he usually liked, but it was so pungent and unpleasant that it made his stomach churn and bile rise up his throat. He tried to breathe through his mouth, forcing oxygen into his lungs.

Flashes of silver and gold momentarily blinded him, and as someone walked past him, their shopping bag knocked against his leg. It didn't hurt but it made him seethe with misplaced anger. Beads of sweat broke out on the back of his neck.

Christmas carols played over the mall speakers, more specifically Jingle Bells which they played three times in less than an hour. Enough, enough, enough. He was suffocating, unable to breathe. He felt too big for his own skin, he needed to escape.

Then he felt your hand at the small of his back, guiding him toward what looked like a furniture store. He followed blindly, his vision blurry and unfocused, and sat down when you gently pushed him down onto a sofa.

Bucky shut his eyes and let his head fall back against the cushion. A woman came up and asked if you needed help but you told her that everything was fine. The buzzing in his ears made the voices around him strangely soothing, as if he was underwater. Now that he was sitting down, he felt a lot better.

You didn't try to touch him, something he was very grateful for. He could feel your weight shift next to him and knowing you were there was enough. He focused on you –your heat, your voice, the smell of your shampoo- and his breathing slowly returned to normal.

"Sorry," he breathed out with a small smile, his head lolling to one side to look at you. "I ruined our shopping spree."

The fear and panic had dissipated, leaving him cold, exhausted and craving skin to skin contact. He took your hand and linked your fingers together. Your hands were freezing cold.

"You didn't ruin anything."

He snorted. "Yeah, I did." A sad smile curved his lips, he needed to change the subject. "Do you celebrate Christmas?"

You sank further into the sofa cushion sitting shoulder to shoulder, hand in hand.

"We celebrated so many different holidays," you said. "Perks of growing up in a multicultural family. Christmas was wild though. One tree, five kids. That poor thing never stood a chance. Now I don't really celebrate anything. December used to be so much fun, now it's just not the same."

"We should create our own holiday," Bucky suggested, squeezing your hand.

"Aren't you going to see your family?"

"Nah," he replied with a yawn. "My sister is taking her kids somewhere warm, and my parents are traveling the country in their RV. You can invite your siblings if you want."

"They're not available."

Bucky tried to decipher the expression on your face. Every time you talked about your siblings, you had a faraway look in your eyes, as though you were reliving a memory. He couldn't tell what you were thinking but your face twisted into a painful grimace. Then suddenly it was gone.

"I want a tree."

He watched you with a lazy smile. "I'll get you a tree."

You pulled him up to his feet and decided it was time to go home. Home. It still made Bucky weirdly warm inside when you called his apartment 'home'. You crossed the mall, your arm looped through his as you walked, and took a cab to Brooklyn.