Poisonous

Y'all must think I'm a sadist

teheheheheheeh :)))))  tehehe ;0 I am a criminal, I am awful... I am an evil evil person. Anyways, enjoy the chapter babes 

"Ma'am, come at once. It's about the Baron."

When Y/N heard him say those words it was like every muscle in her body tensed. Her mind rushed to the worst possible outcome. Desperate for comfort she gripped Bucky's hand.

They walked through the halls of the safe house, making their way to the infirmary. Time seemed to be moving in slow motion. Every event of her 70 something year life played out in front of her eyes.

Y/N had always said she didn't believe in destiny. But that was before him. Now it's like everything was falling into place. He was her destiny, her purpose, her meaning in life.

The time she spent walking to her destination was the last time she could hope and pray for him to live. Once she opened that door and went in she would know if she had failed her mission.

She wondered if this was what love is supposed to feel like. It felt like pain to her. Caring for someone so deeply that their death felt worse than your own. It sounded like torture, the epitome of human suffering.

Her whole life Y/N had never felt fear like this. They were only halfway down the hall when she started to shake violently out of anxiety.

The stone cold nature she was able to adopt during her missions was what made her so dangerous. But right now she didn't feel like the emotionless killing machine she had been told she was her whole life.

One of the reasons she loved Zemo was his ability to look past who she was supposed to be. Of course he respected her skill but he saw so much more in her than just her abilities. That seems like common decency, but decency had been few and far between for her.

Finally they had reached the door. Oznick walked in, waiting for the other two to follow. Y/N shook her head and politely waved him off. "All this commotion is going to wake Sam," she said to Bucky.

"Oh he's already awake. It's kinda hard to sleep right now," Bucky replied.

Y/N raised her eyebrows and tilted her head, confused at what he meant by the statement. "What?"

"Well your emotions are overwhelming. We can all feel them. I thought I was imagining it until you told me about your powers," he explained.

"Oh no. I'm sorry. I can't control it," she mumbled out, embarrassed that she had disturbed everyone around her. Her weak control on her power was another reason she needed Zemo. He always knew what to do. He always had a plan. She had been taking orders her whole life but only now did she fully trust the person who was giving them to her.

"You'll learn to, I promise." Bucky placed a comforting hand on her shoulder and continued to speak. "Can I tell you something?" he asked.

Y/N nodded. "I've been thinking and you were right about Steve. He tried to fix you. He did the same thing to me. But there's no fixing us. Everything we've been through is part of who we are." As Bucky spoke Y/N was reminded of their years at Hydra. The brainwashing Bucky had to endure and the torture she had to endure. But in a way she was brainwashed too. From birth being trained to kill, never learning the difference between right and wrong. The only virtues she knew for so long were success and failure.

Bucky continued "He couldn't handle being with us knowing he had failed. But he didn't fail. I mean not in the way he thought he did. He failed because he didn't accept you."

Bucky was right, Steve had never truly accepted the person she was. He was always trying to fix her and make her whole. Sometimes it felt like his "love" was just a means to an end. She felt like their whole relationship had been a task for him to complete so he could feel good about himself.

His voice began to quiver as he spoke. "And he failed because he couldn't let go of the past. And I'm just now realizing how much strength it takes to let go. But I can see that you're really trying." The whole ordeal with Steve left Bucky just as damaged as her, maybe more. He knew he wasn't the person he used to be. That person was who Steve wanted to be with. But no matter how hard he tried he couldn't be that person anymore. Not after everything that had happened.

By the end of his monologue Bucky was crying. It seemed like he only cried when talking about Steve. "I'm so proud of you. And you are the strongest person I have ever met. Both physically and mentally. No one else could possibly have endured everything you have."

She smiled at him, her own eyes brimming with tears as well. "I'm with you till the end of the line, Buck," she said. There was a strong meaning in her words. They were the same words Steve had said, but that felt like another lifetime. He believed her with every fiber of his being.

Finally she had made peace with her life. Better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. She was learning love was a beautiful and dangerous game. But it was the most entertaining. Taking a deep breath, she opened the door to the infirmary.