Crumbled dreams ( forthbeam) [Completed]

5

My life as Beam Jaturaphoom

(Entry 1)

Hey dear diary. I am beam. You are my only friend here, in my husband’s house. Yeah I still wanted to think that this is all dream. And I will wake up from this dream and work hard for my dream. But it is not a dream. I really married yesterday.

He is handsome. My husband, p'forth. I have never met someone as handsome as him. He looks like one of those kdrama actors. But he is cold. He didn’t even talk to me since we met. Maybe he need time to adjust with me.

Or Maybe I had watched too many drama’s and romantic movies that I dreamed of loving and caring husband, who talk to me for hours. Shows his loves from small things. I should have known, it all exist in the drama only. Real life is far away from it.

I just hope he will warm up to me.

(Entry 2)

Mother-in-law point out how much I eat earlier when we were having breakfast. It’s my first day here and I couldn’t help but think that Mother-in-law already started to look down on me. P'forth didn’t said anything. He remain silent. His silent mean only thing, he also think I am fat and I am eating too much. He also told mother-in-law that I can stay if she want. Isn’t it me that they are talking about, then why didn’t they at least inform me or ask me if I wanted to stay? Was I don’t have that much right in my life now? Why it heart hurt when they take decisions of my life without considering my will? Is this how my life would be from now on?

(Entry 3)

Mother-in-law asked me to get ready for the meeting. She said some of her close friends were coming to meet me. She personally picked the dress that I should were. I don’t like the dress. It was really tight and it making me uncomfortable. I tried to tell her that I am uncomfortable but she glared at me. So I have no choice to wear that dress.

In the meeting, her friends were mean. They were taunting Mother-in-law in there sweet talk. They were indirectly taunting me, pointing out my chubby chicks, the way I dress, the way I talk. I felt crying but can’t let my tears come out. I could feel Mother-in-law was not happy. She didn’t like the way I behave in front of her friends. She scolded me for that. But I seriously don’t know what I have done wrong. I wanted to cry. Tell someone I don’t like all this. But I have no one here. My husband, who supposed to help me in this new environment, was nowhere to be found. I wanted to tell him I don’t want to live here with Mother-in-law, but I am afraid, what if he thought I am badmouthing his mother on the next day of the marriage. He didn’t even talk to me yet, and if I tell him, the small hope I have to have happy life with my husband will also gone.

(Entry 4)

Maybe I misunderstood p'forth. The butler just told me p'forth wanted me to come with him today to Bangkok. Maybe he is not cold as he seems to be. Maybe he will warm up to me when there were just the two of us in Bangkok. May be he is holding himself back. Will he treat me as loving as those kdrama actors treat their partners. Stop, beam, don’t mix up your fantasies with reality. Those things only happen in dramas. I don’t expect him to act like those kdrama actors. It’s just his recognition of me as his husband is enough for me. He didn’t need to be like those romantic fantasies of me, just small gestures of loving and caring are enough. I won’t ask more. He will at least treat me like a husband, right?

(Entry 5)

We reached in Bangkok in early morning. God, the city is so big. The buildings are so tall unlike those I have seen in my town. In my previous town, the tallest building is of eight floors. And the apartment we live in on 24th floor. Wow, I was even scared to look out of balcony of our apartment. It’s so high. The city looks so beautiful from here. Ken always brag about his life in Bangkok. I never told him that but I was excited to live in big city like Bangkok. I always wonder how fast life of these people would be. Always in hurry, Tall building, all facilities. Ken had told me, Bangkok looks beautiful at night. He would used to send me pictures of him and his husband, wandering in city at night. Will p'forth take me to outings like Ken’s husband? I wanted to roam around the city with him, holding his hands, wearing couple cloths. Maybe I am thinking too much. I will be more than happy, if he just take me to see the city once. He don’t have to hold my hand or wear those couple cloths, if he don’t want to. Just be with me. By my side. He will at least do that right?

(Entry 6)

Mother-in-law video called me today. It’s my second evening in this apartment and I am thinking of what she told me this afternoon. She told me about p'forth’s schedule. What he eats. What he likes. Why can’t p'forth tell all those things to me directly? I am his husband, not a servant. Mother-in-law also told me she had hired a female etiquette teacher to teach me all those etiquettes and female dietician for me to reduce weight. She told me she will video call me every afternoon, to check my progress. I was hurt and angry, but couldn’t say anything. I don’t want to be disrespective to her. If she found all those faults in me, why didn’t she marry his son who is perfect in her eyes. At my town, I was called beauty of town. My loved ones always told me to eat more because they thought I am too thin. But I think these rich people think different. If I am fat them I don’t know how thin person look in there eyes. Probably a skeleton.

(Entry 7)

Its my seventh day here. In Bangkok ,with p'forth. It hurts you know when he act cold with me. I was wrong about all those things. I should not have hope. P'forth was nowhere near of warming with me. When we first came to apartment, he told me about our room and I would be sleeping on left side. That was the last decent conversation we had. Whenever I tried to talk with him, he would ust answer me with YES or NO. And that’s it. I tried for days but seeing his response, only make me think that he is not interested to talk with me. So, I stop trying.  

Was this marriage was forced on p'forth? Was I am forced on him? Was he against the marriage? Did he didn’t like me? Did he didn’t like the way I look? Will he accept me if I became thin?  Will he look at me if I would became what Mother-in-law like me to be?

(Entry 8)

The etiquettes teacher is too harsh. She would smack me with stick if I done a wrong step. And this same going for 10 days now. My whole body is bruised. Tsk, After all those 23 years of my life, I didn’t know the way I was holding a cup was wrong. I told Mother-in-law about the instructor but she said its normal but scold me instead. I was so frustrated. I tried to talk to p'forth but he ignored me telling me whatever I want to ask , would aske his mother on phone. What was I expecting?

Oh I forgot. I lost 5 kg in week. I don’t know the diet Mother-in-law want me is healthy at this point. But if after doing all this p'forth will acknolege as husband, then I won’t care about my health. I will do whatever Mother-in-law want me to do. Just for his one glance.

Am I that bad?

Am I that fat?

Am I too ugly for him?

What should I do.

I don’t feel like a person anymore I was before.  

I don’t have all that richess at that time. But I was happy.

I don’t know how I am now?